My Final Weight Loss Journey

MOVED THE BLOG BACK TO THE WEBSITE!!!

2010-05-10T07:07:00.003-05:00

But scroll down as I have posted up through Friday May 7 if you haven't read.

Like I posted a few days ago, I made the decision to move the blog back to the website. I have alot of work to do on it to get it all straightened out and all together again but I felt like at some point in time I needed to draw the line in the sand and make the move. I don't need to create more work than I am already going to have to do. So I'm posting the link below. Don't forget if you have this blog marked in your Favorites to update it.

See you at the website! Here is the link:

http://www.mygoingtogoal.com/apps/blog/

Thanks for understanding.

Year 3, Day 150

2010-05-07T21:43:00.002-05:00

I got up wanting to do alot of things. I did get Mark off to work, drank coffee and got things ready for my coaching session with the Body Bugg Coach who was to call at 9:00. I ate breakfast and finished logging in all my food just in the nick of time that she called.

All I can say is WOW! My Coach's name is Tamala and she has been a personal trainer for 19 years and with Apex for 6 or 7 (I think). I started out telling her that I was a Weight Watcher and how I have been struggling. I was in the process of telling her how I haven't lost any weight since last October when she interrupted me and said "I know what the problem is". She goes on to tell me that our nutrition labels are wrong. She told me that she knows for a fact that I am consuming more calories than I think that I am. She explained to me that you can take the calories listed on a item and multiply it by 9 and take the grams of protein and multiply it by 4 and the Carbohydrates and multiply by 4 to get the true calories of what I'm eating. She took the example of Fiber One Cereal and told me that in Canada the same nutrition label shows that cereal to be 100 calories a serving. Ours states that it is 6. That was just the start. We looked at some other items such as the Kellogg Fiber Plus bars that state that they are 110 Calories but when calculated out they are more like 148. That difference could add up. I was in shock.

I can remember when I was seeing Dr. JoAnne Lichten and she talking about this same formula. I had forgotten it. Anyway Tamala had another appointment at 9:30 so she asked if she could call me back at 10:00 so that we could actually go over the Body Bugg System. She was a really nice lady. When she called me back she told me that she could tell that I knew alot and in fact alot more than most people that she talked too. She wanted to help me. She reset my calorie intake on the Body Bugg and kept my deficit level to be 750 calories which should net me a 1.5 lb weight loss per week. We also talked about working out and she told me that while she hated to tell me that my coach was full of shit that I was getting wrong information. She told me that it would not hurt me one bit to do cardio every single day. She said that I only needed strength training twice a week and no longer than 30 minutes. She said that right now I needed the cardio cause I need the burn and that we would have time to build back up my body mass. Interesting! I still would like to be doing it all. The right amount of cardio and the right amount of strength training. Anyway after she adjusted my program to where she felt like I needed to be she encouraged me to go back and edit all the foods that I had entered into my data base so far. She told me that I should build my own data base based on how to properly figure out the true calories of what I'm eating. She said that when she comes home from the store she logs any new foods into her own data base. So add straightening that out to my list of things to do!

Is there any wonder why we are the fattest nation. We have a FDA that must be totally screwed up. I am going to look closely at this because I'm interested based on this information how much my calories are actually off. She also talked to me about restaurants injecting their meat with fat to make feel more satisfied. She told me that once I really learn the calories and portion control the eating out would be easier. She told me that she never eats more than 1/3 of what a restaurant serves and she totally stays away from fast-food restaurants. She said the more that could be eaten at home the better.

Another tip that she gave me when I we were talking about the recipes that I had entered into the system. She said that even though the recipes to my Beefy Pasta Sauce says that it makes 10 servings to enter it as 9 to cover my butt. I can respect this information because I rarely get a recipe like a soup or sauce to come out to equal servings. I think that I will start doing that. I think for things that have let's say 4 chicken breast etc. you wouldn't have to do this but with sauces, soups, gravies and dips you should. Great Advice.

She walked me through alot of the website that I use for the Body Bugg and showed me how to do many things like I can look at as little as 30 minutes in a block of time to see how many calories I burned. She told me that the Body Bugg is the most accurate device on the market. She cracked up when I told her what the Wii said I burned. She told me that the Wii did not know my body. I will have to put this to the test and see and compare!

You can imagine that after I talked to her how overwhelmed I felt. I couldn't wait to talk to Mike and eventually we did catch up and we did talk about it. He was aware of using the fat, protein and carbs multiplication theory to get the calories. He says that he has talked about it in his meetings but more about the carbs and showing the fallacy of low carb diets. He told me that he knew that the FDA didn't require correct nutritional information. He said that there is a 20% leeway on the accuracy of our food labels. OMG! Why don't we all bitch about this????

He goes on and tells me that I can burn out trying to track too much. He talk to me about trusting the science of Weight Watchers. He told me that he personally knows the head of the Science Department at Weight Watchers and that this person (I can't remember what her name is) knows all there is to know about nutrition. He told me to trust the program. He went on to remind me how companies come up with a recipe and have millions of labels made and how easy it is to somewhere down the line a supplier change and even the recipe changes and the guidelines of the FDA states that there can be a 20% leeway. Mike worked for Campbell soup at one point in time so I feel confident that he knows what he is talking about. Needless to say after talking with him I was confused a bit. Wondering how I should approach all this information!

I ended up taking a nap and woke up in time to feed the boys. Mark and I needed to go out and get Mike his birthday present and a card so we ate at Chick-Fil-A. I didn't manage my points very well today! I got into the dang peanut butter and chocolate chips again! They are gone now. I will for sure have to excercise extra this week!

It's late and tomorrow comes pretty quick! Weigh in day! Oh boy! (extreme sarcasm)

Till tomorrow...say lots of prayers! I need another loss!

Year 3, Day 149

2010-05-06T23:08:00.002-05:00

I got up and did my usual this morning getting Mark off to work and such.

I'm still struggling and if doing program wasn't a habit I'd be in big trouble. I'm realizing that the habit is all that keeps me going. I don't know what else to do. I have enough fear not to lose control and go back up even though I think about it, plan for it but I can't follow through.

I slept alot today which is telling me that I'm depressed. I also found it hard wanting to fix anything to eat so again I'm just grabbing what I can but at least I'm tracking and staying within my points. It seems like I am having the hardest time coming out here and boring you all with my doing nothing these days. I'm surprised that I still have people even hitting the blog. Those of you who are still reading and keeping up with me, thanks for not giving up. I'm sure that I can and I will work through this all. I know that there are lessons to be learned. I wish counseling could be going full throttle and not at the so called discovery stage. I feel like I need help now and quick. Maybe Zoloft isn't the drug that I need to be on. Maybe I need to be on something different. I want to be happy. I want to function. I want to have desire. I hate where I am right now. It is awful.

Tonight I did try a new simple dish that I found on the WW Boards. You take many different dry spices and roll chicken thighs in it. You are suppose to broil them but I decided to grill them and when they are almost done you baste them with a glaze of honey and cider vinegar. They were outstanding. I'll have to make them again and when I do I'll take a picture of them and post them on the site.

Speaking of the site. I think that on Saturday I will move the blog back to the website. I'm fixing to get my iPad back from Mike and I'm going to start working on straightening out the blog so that it will all be intact in one place. It is stupid that I keep posting here knowing that all of these will have to be re-typed back into the website. I might as well pick a starting place and start moving forward with the blog where I really want it. Back on the real website. So...if you come and see a link just follow it and I'll get you all use to going back to the website just like I got you all use to coming out here.

We watched re-runs of The Biggest Loser. I love that show. Oh how I would love to be a contestant on that show. I bet they could get the weight off of me. Don't you? They might kill me too. But I do love to watch the show as it keeps me motivated and shows me that this can be done.

Well it is late and even though I've slept alot today I'm tired and tomorrow is another day. I hope it is a better day.

Keep me in your prayers. I'm hanging in there! Much love to all of you!

Year 3, Day 148

2010-05-05T21:14:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning really feeling backlash from the ordeal with my mom in front of my nieces. I got Mark's lunch made and got him out the door. I went into the media room, found something to watch on TV and I fell asleep till Bobbie called me and we chatted for a bit. I'm concerned about her because it seems that she has quit going to her meeting. The excuses are starting to come and that spells DANGER! She needs this program so badly. If my blood pressure had ever gotten close to the 200 range I would be scared to death. Her blood pressure issue has affected her kidney's and yet she wants to mess around with this. I don't get it!

I drifted back to sleep and then Mike called to make sure that I was hanging in here. I am but barely. I'm so ready for therapy to start making progress. I'm grateful that starting next Tuesday I will see Anna once a week at least for the month of May! We discussed Lost and that was about it.

I don't know what is wrong but I fell back asleep and pretty much slept till the boys woke me up screaming and attacking everything around my chair. Bert loves to get my pens and throw them on the floor and Ernie starts biting paper. Oliver just sits in front of the TV with a I didn't do anything look and scared to death watching his new brothers! They are way funny!

I took care of feeding the boys and then I had to get my act together about what to cook for dinner. I decided to cook some frozen Parmesan Crusted Tilapia with new potatoes and fresh corn. It was a yummy dinner. Easy but hit the spot. I was hungry for fish.

Mark and I watched the first episode of Happy Town on my laptop on ABC's website and just about had it finished when it came on TV. That is going to be a good show. Mike told me about it and highly recommended getting caught up with it. He's also said that "V" was a great show. Now to try and catch up with that one. He also watches Flash Forward but I think that is too far into it to even try and catch up.

We pretty much watched the news and weather and hit the hay! I hope tomorrow I will feel like getting after the office once again!

Year 3, Day 147

2010-05-04T07:38:00.002-05:00

Mark let me sleep in this morning for a little bit. I got up and joined him and my Dad in drinking coffee and Mom soon got up and joined too. I made Mark his lunch and got him out the door. Mom, Dad and I visited and things went pretty good. Mike called me around 7:15 from the road and asked me if I had killed anyone yet. We talked in code for a few minutes and then he told me that he would call me from the road in the afternoon, then we had a regular conversation and hung up.

Mom, Dad and I sat around the breakfast table talking and drinking coffee and having bagels for breakfast. Dad started getting antsy about getting to the airport and getting ready. Mom went and took her shower and it gave me an opportunity to talk to my Dad. I wanted to tell him how much I hated what Mom did yesterday in our confrontation in front of Meredith and Melanie. I was happy that he agreed with me that she was out of line. My Dad knew better to try and discussion the topic further. He handled it like Mom should have! He said that he hoped that the counseling helped and he knew that I needed to talk to her about it all.

Dad went and got in the shower and I went and got dressed. I needed to wash my hair so I decided that I would shower when I got home from taking the to the airport. I still was so tense from the happenings of yesterday I couldn't wait to get them to the airport so that I could just be by myself. I wanted to talk to Mike and I wanted to talk to Anna. I hated the way I felt.

Mom and Dad finally got ready and Dad loaded their things into my truck and we headed to the airport. I flew. I bet I drove 75 miles a hour on the toll road. It was amazing that I didn't get a ticket but there were alot of people flying with me. LOL! I got them to the airport and they gave me a kiss good-bye and Dad got their luggage out of the back of the truck and I took off. FREEDOM!!! That is how I felt! Once I got home I grabbed some lunch and went into the media room and crashed. My feet were still killing me from doing so much Sunday and Monday. I hate this. I really have to watch how much I am on my feet. If my freakin weight would start moving again maybe, just maybe it would get better!

I slept most of the afternoon until the boys started screaming for dinner. I got up and fixed their food and Mark called and said that he was going to have to work a little over. I was o.k. with that cause I was planning to heat up left-over lasagna and make us a salad and call it dinner. I love that recipe and I promise to get it up on the site. It is so easy and so delicious!

I almost forgot! Mike did call and wake me up and we talked about what happened yesterday. He listened to everything that I had to say and he agreed that it shouldn't have happened. He told me that he was really proud of the fact that I stayed in control of my points and didn't go over. I was pretty amazed too. I told him that I was feeling kick-back from it all and that I was having to fight the urge to eat but that I kept telling myself that "they are not worth it!" He told me to keep telling myself that.

Mark got home and we had lasagna and watched LOST and then we watched The Biggest Loser that we DVR'd. I love that show. I also love LOST and I can't believe that in a few weeks it will be all over with. OMG! I think this is the best TV series that has ever been on TV. I can't wait for them to release the entire series on Blue-ray! We will own it. I don't care what the cost is.

We both hit the hay after The Biggest Loser. I'm still tired!

Year 3, Day 146

2010-05-03T23:00:00.002-05:00

I got up tired and had a list a mile long to get done before my parents hit town. I had a few things to finish up with the house but I also had errands to run, a meal to prep and I needed some "me" time so that I would emotionally be ready for my parents. It hasn't helped that I had to ask my Dad to stop reading this blog because all it did was upset him when I was upset. I knew with the start of counseling that if I happened to choose to talk about it here that I wasn't sure I wanted him to drop in since some of my issues have to do with my growing up and some strong feelings that I have lived with for 46 years. (Now you can figure out how old I am! LOL!)

Anyway, I got Mark off to work and then I decided to just throw on some clothes and hit 3 different grocery stores and the bank. I got it all done but I didn't get home till nearly noon. I quickly called my parents and they were about to leave so I knew then my time was going to be tight. I grabbed some lunch and put up the groceries and finished up with the things that needed to be done around the house, hopped in the shower so that I would be clean and they got here as I was cleaning the granite in the kitchen. Everything was fine as I got them coffee and they got settled in and we had the usual small talk. They hadn't stopped for lunch so Dad was looking around for something to munch on and I offered to make them a sandwich but they didn't want me to do it. They know that I cook large meals.

My two nieces showed up about the same time and they came in and I got out the chips and salsa for something to munch on while I finished up the lasagna. Once I got it all put together and sat down my nieces asked me how my weight-loss was coming and I told them that I had lost last week and they were so happy for me. My Mom then asked me what my highest weight was and I told her the highest was 468 but this time around it was 427. I also said that I was close to having 200 lbs off from my highest weight and when it happened I didn't know what I was going to do. She started in on me. "Why you will be happy!" and I said "They will probably have to call 911" (meaning because I would be so hysterically happy) and she took it as it being bad so you know where she was heading.

I know that I shouldn't have waited this long to write this blog but I have had to sort through some things and get away from other things and now I'm not sure I can remember exactly like it all played out but I will share with you the best that I can remember.

My mom gets on the topic of the counselor being able to help me and how ridiculous she thought that I needed one. The conversation got pretty heated and I asked her not to go there and my nieces kept trying to make her understand that my feelings were mine and they were real and her feelings didn't have to be the same as mine. I don't remember how we got to the topic of how I felt growing up and my feelings about my brother but we went there. I told here that my feelings at 7 years old were real that I really felt like they loved Robby more than me. I told her that it was unfair how I got my butt beat for that! She told me that I had a vivid imagination and I lost it! You don't imagine feelings that well up from your toes. You don't cry yourself to sleep at night as a child feeling like this. You don't feel like you had never been born and you don't feel like you would never wake up! Do you? IF THE FEELINGS WERE NOT REAL????

OMG! You can only imagine how this went. It is probably a good thing that I can't recall every word spoken. I know that I will at some point in time but I'm still reeling for it all. My two nieces were crying. I know at one point in the conversation I told my mother that I had never felt loved by this family. My nieces went berserk! Melanie grabbed my hand and started going "You know that I love you Aunt Laura, don't you?" and Meredith got up and ran to me and threw her arms around me telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. My mother didn't say a word. My nieces were apologizing for how my brother makes me feel and I was telling them it wasn't their place that Mom should have taught him better. I was bawling and the pain inside of me was almost more than I could bear. My Dad came in at some point in time and said a few words and I don't remember exactly what he said but he said something about let the counselor handle my feelings and let her help me work through them. About that time the buzzer on the oven rang and the lasagna was done but nothing else was ready so I jumped and wipe the tears from my face and moved double time to get dinner on the table.

We made it through the night without another incident. I was wanting to die inside. I was so angry that my mother wouldn't take my warning when I said "Let's not go there" and continued to push me to exploding. I hate that my nieces had to see first hand my pain. I fear that this has had an affected on them because when they left they both told me that they would see me in 2 weeks. I don't want them to say anything to Rob and I fear that they will tell him how shitty he has treated me. OMG! It is a mess. But we made it through the evening o.k. I texted Mike and told him that I had a melt-down and needed to talk. I knew that he wouldn't call but would make sure that he will talk to me tomorrow. Boy do I have alot to say.

Mark doesn't know what happened because he was at work when it all went down. I'll have to tell him tonight before we hit the way.

I hope I can make it till I get them to the airport! I need some time before they come back. Luckily I will see Anna the day they come in. Hopefully she will be able to help me.

Year 3, Day 145

2010-05-02T23:29:00.002-05:00

We were suppose to get up at 5:00 to get going on getting this flippin house ready for my parents to come up on Monday. Mark decided that we needed to sleep in. OMG! When I woke up and saw daylight in the bedroom, I about flipped out. We had so much to do, plus errands and it was our pizza day!

I don't have to tell you that the first thing out of my mouth was not "Good Morning Sweetie". I woke up biting his butt! I thew on my house dress, made me a cup of coffee and came in here and got Saturday's entry up. Mark??? He got up and got his butt busy and didn't have a whole lot to say to me other than "Don't worry about it!" He worked his fanny off while I did what I needed on the computer then I started dusting and stuff.

We took a break close to noon and headed for Brother's Pizza and for Costco. Just before we left the house Mike called to check on how my day was going and to tell me how the iPad worked with the TV. He said that it was great! He was going to hook it up to his TV that is just like ours and give me a report. He was on his way to Brother's to pick up pizza at the same time but he beat us as we passed each other on the road. He never called to tell him how it worked on his other TV. He must not have done it yet.

When we got back home from Costco, we decided to take a little nap. Mark set a timer for a hour and we closed our eyes and then got up and got after it again. While we were at Costco we bought one of those Shark Euro Pro Steam Floor Cleaners and we were both anxious to try it out! OMG! If you don't have one and you have alot of tile and wood like we do it is a necessity. It is the easiest thing to mop with and your floors feel like silk when you are through. I love it. I might actually start mopping! Get one! Trust me!

We moved the breakfast table out and removed the rug and mopped and moved everything back in. This house is so filthy. I see first hand what depression can do to a house. It is sick. I hope that I can snap out of this to at least try and keep up better with it. I'm sure going to try cause Mark worked his fanny off.

We took another break to watch the season finale of Ruby. OMG! It brought me to tears. I don't know if you keep up with it or not but they went through this 6 day ordeal that makes you face your addiction to food and you can't believe the things that came up. I can tell you at one point, it brought me to tears because it shows me that I truly have a fear of what is really eating me. I juked and jived through that whole show. Mark kept his eye on me and that just bugged me too. We made sausage dogs during the commercials and after the show was over we got back after the house. Mark hung new pictures in the media room and I dusted the media room and guest room. I folded laundry and put it up. I'll have some to do tomorrow but Mark did an amazing job on this house yesterday. Lots more than I did. What a sweet guy! I really need to learn no to bite his butt!

Well, I have lots to do tomorrow so I best hit the hay. Wish me luck. I don't want to do my feet in but I do have some more rooms to mop, granite to clean, grocery shopping and the media room to vacuum. If I have time our bedroom and bath is filthy and the office is still junky. But the rest of the house?....One word....Ah!!!!!!!!!

Year 3, Day 144

2010-05-01T23:14:00.002-05:00

I woke up before the alarm and just laid in bed. Mark kept reminding me to get up but I fell back asleep. When he told me that it was a quarter to six I jumped out of the bed, hit the shower and got ready to go. Needless to say we were out the door late!

We got there and weighed in, chatted with Mike in-line and went and sat in the meeting room. I then looked at my book and was shocked that I had lost 1.8 lbs. Mike had come in and sat a little down from me and was talking to another member and then asked me how I did. I handed him my book and he was really happy. He asked me if I was happy and I told him that I was but that I wasn't going to get real excited until it happened next week. He told me that he felt like a big one was coming. Yea right! We'll see. Until I start seeing the weight coming down consistently and he lets me have my points back! If ever!

The meeting was good but I was about to dance a jig cause I had to go to the potty so bad. So right as he closed the meeting I ran out of there to the nearest potty! Thank God we meet in a church and you don't have to wait in line like you do at a center! I would have been up the creek!

I went back to get Mark and we started to leave when Mike hollered out for us to wait cause he had something for us. I knew it was the VGA plug that wasn't right. We went ahead and went downstairs and sat in the lobby and waited for him. We went out to his truck and he gave it to me and then we all chatted. While we were chatting I got so light-headed and felt like I was going to pass out. Mike was leaning against a SUV and walked in front of him and said I'm going to lean against your truck, I feel like I am going to pass-out and throw up. Both Mark and Mike flipped out. I just leaned against Mike's truck feeling like I was going to hit the pavement while the two of them chatted. I finally said to them. I've got to get out of here. Mike told me that he felt like I needed to eat that I was having a drop in my blood sugar. I just rolled my eyes and walked past him around to Mark's car. He followed me telling me to go across the street to Denny's and get something to eat and to make it a healthy choice. We ended up leaving and going to Cracker Barrel. Sure enough I felt better after I ate. The same thing happened last night. Could these flipping diuretics be draining too much from my body? I need to call the Dr. if this continues.

When we were talking to Mike we decided that we would go and get the new plug and bring it back to him. So after breakfast we went to the Mall and I went into the Apple store while Mark waited for me to get the plug and I scored big time because they also had the case in stock. I texted Mike as I was going back out to the car but got no response. He was between meetings when were there. We then went over to Best Buy to get a refund on the one that I had bought yesterday. We then went and checked out the new 3-D TV's and I showed Mark the Apple computer that I want watching his eyes roll back in his head. I know that I can't get a new computer but someday I will need one and I want an Apple! I went to the bathroom and Mark found some Klipsch speakers for a computer and they sounded great. We went and found them but they were $159 so we decided to shop them on-line.

We left there and went back to WW's and Mike's last meeting had just let out. I went upstairs to give Mike the goods and he was shocked about the case. He hadn't checked his phone so he didn't know that I had texted him. He was happy. We chatted for a minute and then I left and went back down to the car and we left. We stopped and got a Diet Coke on the way home and drove through some favorite subdivisions. Oh how we would love to move! Won't happen but it is good to have a dream right?

Once we got home I fixed me a sandwich and chips and started to catch the Blog up when Mike called and we chatted a bit about me getting the case and he said that he would talk to me later that he was going home to take a nap. I was watching TV and I don't know where Mark was but I fell asleep and when I woke up Mark was sleeping next to me and Mike had texted me about the case telling me that it was great and that he would call me later.

I worked on this blog and finally realized that we needed to have dinner so I stopped and ended up sending Mark to the store for some White Wheat Hot Dog Buns and some frozen fries so that we could have sausage dogs. Mike called and we chatted a bit and he told me that he would be trying the TV later tonight and that he would call me when he checked it all out. We hung up and Mark got home and I got dinner made and we watched some TV.

Mike never called. I assume he and his sweetie had a date so I'm sure that I'll hear from him tomorrow. Mark and I watched an old Biggest Loser and Mark has gone to bed. I wanted to get this caught up and now I'm exhausted and I'm headed to bed because I have so much to do tomorrow to get ready for my parents who are suppose to be coming on Monday!

I've got so much to do! PRAY!

Year 3, Day 143

2010-04-30T23:01:00.002-05:00

I got up this morning in a o.k. mood. Got Mark off to work, had breakfast and called Bobbie to check on her since she wasn't feeling well. She has gotten worse and thinks that it is a cold that she caught from Doug. Poor thing. We talked for a bit and she was going back to bed and I needed to try and get myself motivated to do something....anything!

I received an email from Apple in regards to them releasing the newest 3G iPad and I thought to myself that maybe I should check on the accessories that I want for mine. I started calling Best Buy's and one pretty close had the keyboard dock and the VGA plug to hook it up to the TV. I also wanted the photo plug and the case so I called a few more and had no luck. I texted Mike and told him that I would be bringing him the keyboard and the VGA plug and not to leave his meeting location until I got there.

I got dressed and ran out the door. I'm going to share with you something that was funny, yet pathetic. I got into the car and my pants zipper was unzipped. I thought WTH! I never do this. I got to Best Buy and ran in and had to go to the potty again. The fluid pills work! I checked out the Apple accessories to make sure the salesperson didn't miss something and to make sure that the TV accessory was the right one. There were many TV plugs. I talked with the Apple Specialist and she really didn't know which one I needed and we both determined that the VGA is what I needed. I got in line, paid for the stuff and walked out and got into the truck and low and behold my damn zipper was down again. WTH????!!!!! OMG! What is wrong with me??? Now I'm paranoid!

I started the drive to where Mike was at and Rhonda called and I talked to her all the way up there. When I got there I jumped out of the truck and started towards the meeting when I heard someone calling my name. Because of my deafness I can't determine direction very well so I stood in the middle of the parking lot trying to determine where it was coming from. It was Mike not to far from where I parked talking to a lady in a truck. I walked over to where he was at and he introduced us and I had met her before as she also works for WW. We talked to her for a few and she left and I gave him the stuff and told him that I would let him keep it another week. He was so happy. I also told him to rent a movie from iTunes and really check out the TV stuff. We talked for a bit and he gave me a hug and he went in to do his last meeting and I left and came home.

I had some popcorn and decided that was lunch. I then decided that maybe I should call Apple and ask them if I got the right TV plug. I called Mike and he was having lunch with his sweetie and told him that I was going to call Apple and if we had the wrong plug would he be willing to meet me to get the right one and he said that he could. I call Apple and sure enough after waiting on hold I had the wrong plug. I then got on-line and called the closest Apple location to where Mike was which was a Radio Shack. I also called the Apple Store at the Mall and they had it. I called Mike and told him that a Radio Shack had it close to where he was at. I couldn't get him to understand that they were a Apple dealer. He kept going on and on about getting the Apple product and not the Radio Shack equal. I finally got him to understand. He then decided that he didn't want to meet me and that he would go tomorrow and get the plug at the mall. He wasn't feeling well again. He wanted to go home and take a nap.

I started watching my afternoon shows and I fell asleep. Mike woke me up calling me to tell me that the keyboard dock was awesome. We talked a little bit about the TV and poor guy is going to have to move furniture when he goes and gets the plug!

I wasn't feeling really well by the time Mark got home. He had a bad day at work and he didn't meet his draw for the month so now we owe the company money. Dang! I thawed some Beefy Pasta Sauce and I boiled some Beef Ravioli and that was dinner. We watched TV and messed around on the computer but guess what? Did I get the blog written? No! What is with this???? I hate what is going on with me!

Well, I've stayed off the scale all week. I've finally gotten sick of the up and downs that I see during the week. I feel that my weight is up! I'm so pissed! I'm really getting sick of it! I best get to bed so that I can get up and go to the flipping meeting!

Till tomorrow...

Year 3, Day 142

2010-04-29T23:57:00.002-05:00

I am tired of getting up feeling like I do! What has happened to me??????

Another day to get through...

I had a couple of cups of coffee and then had to get Mark out the door. I hate his early weeks. HATE them! I feel like I can't wake up till there is a rush around to make his lunch and get him out the door. I can't get him to wake me up when he gets up to feed the boys. Bless his heart he thinks he is doing me a favor by letting me sleep until 5:45. That gives me 20 minutes to suck down 2 cups of coffee and get after it. I'm not a morning person!

After he left, I fixed my breakfast and grabbed another cup of coffee and jumped on-line and checked in with the cookies and then Bobbie called and we talked about our day and she tried to boost me up. We both promised to work out and I walked a mile with my Wii Walk It Out. I was socked that I was able to walk in place equal to a mile and it was fun as you click bubbles along your route opening up trees and street lights. By the advertise me I guess eventually I will get to the point that I will create buildings! It is alot of fun. I still need to get the nerve to see about joining a gym and getting a personal trainer.

Mike called and checked on me on his way to his meeting and we just talked about electronics and my iPad (which he still has and has had it since I bought it LOL! Does that tell you how my bad my mood has been? To have a iPad and not care about messing with it???? OMG I am really losing it!

Today I just didn't feel like eating so I munched on bags of popcorn and chocolate cupcakes. It was easy to grab as I didn't feel like fixing anything else. I did manage to prepare a stir-fry for dinner which we enjoyed. So I didn't junk out all day long. Mike called a couple of times during the afternoon to check on me. I really think that I must have scared him yesterday. He has actually been nice! LOL!

We didn't eat dinner till late because Mark didn't get home till late because it is their month end close. It doesn't look like he is going to get a commission this month and we are going to have to owe the company. OMG! Something else to stress me out about! Our money is way too tight to have to have this happen. I told him tonight that I couldn't take on any more stress and if we had to drain the retirement fund I didn't give a crap. Mark knew to not say anything but encourage me that it will all work out. He needs to pay all the flippin bills!

I don't know what I did to dinner but I made it hotter than hell! I finally went out to the recipe and figured that I added 3 tablespoons of Sriracha instead of 3 teaspoons. Mark was burning up. I'm such a pepper belly it wasn't until I quit eating that I noticed the heat. He had to stop and cool off his mouth before he finished it! Poor Guy! I was telling him while I was cooking that I was sick of cooking (which is real unusual for me as I usually love to get in the kitchen and create!) These days I'd be happy with what I could open in a bag that didn't even need to be nuked!

I fell asleep in my chair once again. I woke up with Ernie next to me. I turned everything off and picked him up. What a little sweetie as he laid his head on my should and we walked through the house to go to bed. He then snuggled with me till I fell asleep. I love my baby kitty boy! Ernie is my little shadow. I love that cat! I love the others but I'm really attached to this little yellow boy!

Year 3, Day 141

2010-04-28T23:07:00.002-05:00

I don't know what happened but maybe it was backlash from my session yesterday. I fell into my not wanting to do a single thing mode!

Bobbie and I talked for awhile this morning and right now I don't know what I would do without her. She understands so much and sits and listens and encourages me. She is the greatest friend.

Mike called on his way to his meeting and we chatted a bit. I made the mistake of saying to him when he said to me "I'm so tired!" and I go "I know cause you haven't been yourself" He goes "What makes you say that?" (here is my mistake) "You have made me feel like you are ready to throw me away!" OMG! I got a lecture of "You are too sensitive and blah, blah, blah" I just finally just said to him "Mike, I'm just screwed up" and of course he agreed. He finally got off the subject and I was so pissed off I really don't remember what else he said.

I got blessed with a couple more phone calls from him in the afternoon. I also had to get the house picked up because Oliver's family was going to come and see him. They haven't seen him since we got him. I felt so sorry for the kids! Having to give up their kitty and then go to some one's place and see him run from you and hide and not want to play. Bert and Ernie played with them more than Oliver. He finally warmed up as they were getting ready to leave. I bet it was hard on the kids to leave him. Luis, their Dad seemed to be happy how he has blended into our family and seemed to be well adjusted and happy. If this was all about him wanting to know about Oliver I think I will scream. I just don't know if I would put a 7 year old and 10 year through that. Maybe I'm crazy. I did offer them to come back. I didn't know what else to do.

After they left I called Mark and told him that I wanted to go to Mike's meeting. I have been struggling all week having to cook dinner and I have really lost my drive to do this program. I was willing to do anything to see if it would help me make it through the week. I ran a brush through my hair, grabbed my phone, blue-tooth, keys, bottle of green tea and headed out.

When I got there and checked in with the receptionists, I walked in and Mike gave me a hug and welcomed me back from Dallas. OK. I sat down and I'm not one to strike up conversations. Believe it or not I'm shy when I'm in a room of people that I don't know. Mike finally came in and started the meeting and it was about "Habits". It made me realize that right now the only thing that is keeping me going is that program is a habit. I can't not do it. It comes natural! Thank you Lord! I know that I could be doing it better (better food selections) but at least I'm not doing what I would have been doing 6 years ago before I started WW.

After the meeting as I was walking out of the meeting room Mike hollered out at me "See you Saturday, Laura and he pointed his finger at me sternly" I just said o.k. and kept walking. Luckily on my way to the meeting I had told Mark how to get dinner started and when I called him on the way home he was doing what I had asked him to. I helped him some when I got home but I'm so flipping depressed! I told him that they way that I am feeling is driving me insane.

We got all settled in the media room with dinner and decided to watch a re-run of the Biggest Loser that I had DVR'd. Mike called about that time worried about me. OK we go from telling me I'm too sensitive and agreeing that I'm screwed up to being worried about me because I was quiet. Hell I'm always quiet in his Wednesday meetings. I personally think that he could tell by the look on my face or in my eyes that I'm extremely depressed and that telling him that I'm losing the will to do this may have hit home because things between us changed tonight. We talked for a bit and he had to run into a store.

Mark and I finished watching our TV show and I fell asleep in my chair till the wee hours of the morning. He had gone to bed without me. I woke up with my laptop in my lap and my fingers still on the keys. LOL!

Year 3, Day 140

2010-04-27T23:35:00.003-05:00

Boy I had problems getting up this morning. It took Mark working on me for nearly 45 minutes! OMG! I just wanted to sleep! I got up and jumped in the shower because I had my therapist appointment this morning and then Mark had coffee waiting for me.

We watched the news and had breakfast and then he went to get ready to go to work and I got his lunch put together and got him ready to head out the door when Mike called to talk a bit. I sense some real tension and I'm not getting it. When I talk to him I feel like turning off my phone so that I don't know when he calls. I need to just be bold and ask him what is going on. Right now I'm not giving a crap!

We really didn't talk about anything other than about the message I left him yesterday along with a text. We talked about 20 minutes and frankly I don't remember much about that conversation but keep asking myself "Why did you call?"

My friend Bobbie called next and we chatted until it was time for me to get ready for me to go and see my therapist. I caught her up on what all the Dr. had to say and we chatted about program and encouraged each other. She had her weigh-in today and she was up but she hadn't been in a couple of weeks as she has been out of town and such. She is ready to get busy. I'm so proud of her.

I left the house and drove across town with dread! I didn't know what to expect. She had said that she was going to do some hypnotherapy and I hate that stuff. Done it before and I hate the way it makes me feel. At least that is what I remember of it. Maybe it was because I let go of some pretty painful things under hypnosis.

I got to her office and got lost in finding her office! LOL! They building has 4 hall ways and I think I walked all four hall ways! When I got there she was with a patient so I had to wait a few minutes. Then she came out and called me back. She asked me where I wanted to start and I told her that I would let her pick. She decided to start at the top of my list which involved my feelings that my parents love my brother more than me. I really do feel this way and it has caused deep sadness all my life. Mark can tell you that he sees a difference on how they treat my brother and how they treat me. We talked about me giving up playing the musical instruments that I know how to play. We talked about how Mark and I met. It was a "eh!" visit. I know that they have to kinda go through things in order to figure out their plan of attack. At the end of the visit she realized that she hadn't scheduled me forward which really ticked me a bit so I'm having to wait another 2 weeks for the next visit but we did get me scheduled weekly through the end of may and then we will re-evaluate. I want this to be over with! I am ready to find happiness and to stop being so sad! I hate where I am at. HATE IT!

It was a long drive home and I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few things that we needed before getting all the way home. Once I got here I hit the popcorn and ate 3 mini bags and that just about triggered a binge. The longer time away from that session and thinking about it the more irked I got. I ended up having a high point lunch and left myself with only 11 points for dinner. I know for some of you 11 points is alot for dinner but for me it just sucks! I like having more like 15. Did I want to excercise to earn some points? Hell No!

I fell asleep after lunch watching TV and when I woke up the boys were starting to make noises for their dinner. Mike then called and we talked about the session and he confirmed what I thought that a therapist has to find what the problem really is and then will go to work at making me realize it on my own. The conversation was better than this morning with Mike but there is still some tension. I think that if he calls tomorrow I am going to ask him what the problem is. If he is wanting to pull away just freakin tell me and let me move on.

I ended up boiling some potatoes for dinner along with one of the Green Giant Veggies for one (corn and peas) and then I took some corn flake crumbs and seasoned them with garlic, salt, pepper, paprika and cayenne, dipped some chicken breasts in egg beaters and then put them through the crumbs and baked them on a rack sprayed with Pam. We ate as we watched LOST which was good. We then watched the Biggest Loser and then called it a day.

I did go over my daily target points by 5. Oh well! Do I give a crap? Not right now. I'm just so frustrated with it all! Tomorrow will be a better day. I'll work out and let my 4 AP's go. That will help. Maybe...just maybe I'll get a loss this week. I hope so because right now I'm up about 3 lbs. What in the hell is going on???????

Year 3, Day 139

2010-04-26T23:05:00.002-05:00

Mark let me sleep in till 6 this morning. I really wish that he hadn't. I had a Dr.'s appointment and I really needed to shower before him this morning. I was rushed to get him out the door and then to get myself showered and out the door for my 10:00 Dr.'s appointment.

I really do like Dr. Youngblood. He really cares and he listens and understands. My blood work from last week showed that my kidney's are handling the lasixs and I talked to him about if there were any tests that could be run on my metabolism and he said nothing other than the TSH (thyroid) He looked at my last 2 thyroid tests and he knows that we just went up on it a bit. He wants to test it in about a month and see if maybe if he can't push it a little higher. He told me that diuretics and pushing the thyroid to the hilt isn't the way to lose weight and I told him that I couldn't agree more. I showed him that I had the Body Bugg and while he said that he didn't know much about it, once I explained to him how it worked, he was pretty impressed. He told me all about calories in versus calories out and I understand all of that and I couldn't agree more. Mike just doesn't want me to excercise more than 3 times a week unless I can find something else to do. I told Dr. Youngblood that I was thinking about hiring a personal trainer and he told me that he didn't think that would be a bad idea. We talked about what I read in Julie Hadden's book about the machine that showed her muscle/fat/bone and how in the beginning she had no music and it was hard for her to lose the weight. I'm beginning to think that could be my problem as well. I should be able to get myself off the floor and get down on the floor with ease but I can't. What is with that?

I also told him about me starting therapy and he thought that was good too. I told him that I was so sad and while I wouldn't try killing myself that I wanted so much at times not to wake up. He immediately said "Let's up the Zoloft to 200" and wrote me a prescription. He also wrote a prescription for the lasixs. He doesn't need to see me after my next blood work. He said that he can communicate with me after he gets the results with a phone call. He told me not to ever stop trying that I'm doing well and reminded me that from my highest weight I've lost 175 lbs. He told me that this was going to take time.

When I got out I called Mike but he didn't take my call. I'm not sure what is going on with him but frankly I'm getting where I don't give a shit. I texted him a couple of times and he finally texted me that he was swamped and that we would talk later. Whatever! I'm getting the feeling that now I've agreed to see Anna he is backing off and I'm o.k. with that but tell me that is what you want to do and don't make me feel like he is making me feel. We've gong from talking at least every day or several times a day to I haven't talked to him since Friday. WTH?

I stopped and put gas in my car and picked up a few things from the grocery store and headed home and made me some lunch when I got home and ate. I soon fell asleep in my chair and I woke up around 4:00! OMG! I then thawed some chicken for dinner so that I could marinate it and then I started preparing veggies for the grill. I also boiled some red potatoes. Dinner was delicious. Mark cleaned up the kitchen for me and washed a load of clothes. I watched Ruby that I fell asleep during last night and then we watched Jamie's Food Revolution from Friday. I hate to see this show end. I think that people/sponsors should get on board with what he is doing and they ought to show him going all over this country turning us around. I can't imagine living long than our kids! SAD! SAD! SAD! I almost can't stand it! What are we doing?????

Well, it is late and I'm tired. I have to get up early and hit the shower to get my hair done before I get Mark off to work and then finish dressing and get out of here by 9:00 to go and see Anna. May she start this new journey. I'm ready to be o.k. I'm so ready not to be sad anymore. I'm so ready to see this freakin scale move. READY hear me?????!!!!!!!

Year 3, Day 138

2010-04-25T23:45:00.002-05:00

Boy was it nice to sleep in this morning. No cats screaming at 5:00. We slept till almost 7:30! I guess we were tired. We got up and Mark made us some coffee and we watched a little HGTV will we woke up. Mark's middle sister wanted to take us to breakfast so he called her to see what time we wanted to meet.

She ended up coming to our hotel room and they had to wait for me to finish getting dressed. Mark went and checked out and we loaded up the car and headed for Cracker Barrel in Arlington. We almost missed it because it was surrounded by trees. Very pretty. We had to wait a few minutes for a table. We got seated and the waitress came and got our order. I always order off the menu because of my points. I order a egg beaters omelet with no meat, no cheese and just veggies (tomatoes, onions, peppers and mushrooms) They never can get it right. I either get it with cheese and veggies or meat and veggies. The only time I got it right was when the waitress remembered they got it wrong and she stood back there and made sure that they didn't screw it up. Then I order a side of hash brown casserole and I have a wonderful 7 point breakfast. If I want to spend an additional 4 points I add 1 biscuit. Yum!

We visited for a bit while we drank some coffee and then we headed out. His sister wanted to stop by a brunch the family was having for my nephew's baby's dedication and then she had to go to work. We had to get back to feed the cats and Mark wanted to work the yard. We had another beautiful day for traveling but the direction we had to go put the sun right on my legs and I burned up all the way home. LOL! I couldn't even adjust the a/c vents to hit my legs! It was pretty funny. We made one stop for gas and got home and unloaded the car put our feet up for a minute and then decided to go have our Pizza meal since there would be no more eating out for the rest of the week. It was so good!

When we got home, I fed the boys and Mark headed out to work in the yard. I got on the computer to catch up with my friends and I fell asleep. I could not keep my eyes opened. Mark came in after dark and he fixed me a cup of coffee and I drank it but fell back asleep pretty quick. I woke up at 1:00 a.m. and went to bed.

I hope this sleepiness goes away! I need to get some things done around here!

Year 3, Day 137

2010-04-24T23:31:00.002-05:00

The plan was to get up at 4:30 and finish getting things ready to go! BUT NO! Mark didn't wake me up until 5:40 and we were suppose to be leaving at 6:30!!! WTH????!!!!! OMG! I never jumped out of bed running around here like a chicken with it's head cut-off! I could have killed Mark! His step-up from death attitude just kills me. I was snapping and biting at him and he was snappin back! His attitude was "We'll get there when we get there." and I'm like going "I told both of your sisters that we would leave at 6:30 and to expect us around 10:30! Well it was more like 7:30 when we got out of here. ACK!

Thunderstorms rolled through during the night and the day ended up being beautiful. Not a cloud in the sky. We drove up there with the sun roof open and we listened to tunes on my iPhone. We didn't stop one time which is really unusual for us! We got to his sister's around 11:30.

Here was my shocker...I don't know what I was expecting but nothing was said about the weight I have lost! Nothing! We visited and Mark's other sister came and she said something about "There's skinny" and that was it. Mark and his oldest sister went and picked up some Subway's and his youngest sister left to go and get his Mother. Our plan was to surprise her for her birthday.

We waited and finally they showed up. We all had cameras ready to catch Nannie's expression as she walked through the door seeing Mark. It was priceless. Now she said something to me about my weight. She saw me and hugged me and told me how good I was looking. We all visited and then my nephew and his wife and their new little girl showed up. What a doll baby that little girl is! OMG! She is beautiful and has such a sweet personality, just jabbers up a storm and is such a happy baby and loves everyone. Just precious!

We then celebrated Nannie's birthday by watching her open up her gifts and having cake. I brought some Blue Bird Chocolate Cupcakes as my cake and only took a bite of Mark's. The cake was really good and I wished I could have enjoyed a piece but it would have cost me alot of points. I was happy with my cupcakes and after that celebration my other nephew showed up and it was great getting to see him. His wife and kids were off doing something that they had planned for a long time. It was great getting to see him as well. He ended up staying for dinner.

I brought my shredded pork for tacos, along with tortillas, cheese and spanish rice. We had a really good dinner and visit. Mark's mom had to get home to take her evening meds so his sister took her home and we ran by Walgreen's to get some meds for me as I wasn't feeling too well.

We went by his Mom's and she gave me a beautiful antique milk glass bowl that has little feet on it and has fruit all on the underneath side of it and it comes up on parts of the sides. Really unusual shape but very pretty. I'll have to find a special place in our house for it.

I must say this...his oldest sister finally said something about my weight as we were leaving. She told me that I was looking good and to keep up the good work. I guess I was hoping my weight loss would have been more of a shock. It really kinda hurt and I was really hoping for a shock and good reactions to help me feel better about this journey. Do I? No? I still feel like I'm losing my will to continue to do this. I'm just tired. I'm sick of what has been happening for the last 6 months. I want someone to figure this out and fix it!

We had a hard time finding our hotel but Mark finally found it. We stayed at Homewood Suites and we had a awesome room. It was like a small apartment with a full kitchen, dining room table, living room with a TV and a bedroom behind french doors! All the counter tops were granite and even the tub surround was granite! Very beautiful room!

We fixed us a pot of coffee and we both fell asleep trying to drink it. It was hilarious. We finally hit the hay and trust me our eyes slammed about the same time our heads hit the pillows!

Year 3, Day 136

2010-04-23T23:52:00.002-05:00

Got up this morning and got Mark out the door and then I got some breakfast, jumped in the shower, got dressed and left for my trip up to the Woodlands to do my weekly weigh-in. I did not want to go. The scale at home showed that I was up and I was fit to be tied.

Here I go out and I buy the Body Bugg and I log in both my WW journal the points and in Body Bugg the calories and such to make sure that I have a 750 calorie deficit so that I will have a 1 1/2 lb weight loss! What in the hell is gong on? OMG! I just wanted to cry!

I drove up there in traffic and drizzly rain. It wasn't fun since I left at the end of the rush hour time but I made it. I walked in the meeting and got in line and Mike came in behind me and I handed him some CD's that I had burned for him. He thanked me and said to me "I thought you weren't coming early" I told him that I wanted to get it over with cause I was up. I then teared up and told him that I was losing my will to keep going. He put his arm around me and hugged me and told me to go home and look at my before picture and that would make me feel different about it all. I just kinda shrugged and he hugged me again and told me that it would be o.k. I then almost lost it and asked him if he would just let me go home and he said to me "No you need to stay!" I stayed in line but I was teary and I just didn't want to weigh in.

Well here is what happened...

Up 1.3 lbs!!!! What the hell???? Body Bugg said that I maintained my 750 calorie deficit so why didn't I lose 1.5 lbs like it said that I would? I'm so pissed!

I went in and sat in the meeting. I didn't want to be there. Mike asked me a few questions during the meeting which just further ticked me cause I didn't want to talk. As soon as he dismissed the meeting I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came out low and behold my therapist was there. She said hello to me and asked me how I was and I told her o.k. and what I really wanted to say was "I'm screwed up. I hate where I'm at. I'm losing my will. Mike won't save me so will you?!!!!" Mike mentioned that I was going to Dallas and Anna said "Oh how fun!" and I said "No so much, but a "have to" trip" I told both of them to pray that I control ed my eating and they both told me that I would be fine. Then Mike said to me "I'll call you later and then told Anna "I need to give her a pep talk" I thought "Yea right Mike!" I told them "bye" and headed for my truck. I was sobbing before I got there.

I got in and got my iPod hooked-up and I started the drive home bawling! I finally cut off the iPod and called my friend Bobbie and she talked to me and let me cry and gave me a understanding shoulder to cry on and told me how much she needed me to be strong yet she understood my frustration and that we needed to support each other. She kept telling me I couldn't quit even though I told her I couldn't go on.

Once I got home I got into the food and I blew it! After all my strength with my last ordeal with Mark I lost it. I probably went over my daily target by 16 and that isn't terrible but the fact is I chose to blow it and I did it and I feel weak and like a failure.

I ALSO DON'T WANT TO GO DO DALLAS!!!! NO LIKE THIS!!!! NOT IN THIS MOOD!!!! NOT UNDER THIS STRESS!!!!! I WANT TO STAY HOME!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!

Mike called this afternoon and assured me that he was going to figure this out and told me to hang in there. He wants me NOT to eat out after Sunday. Monday-Friday he wants everything prepared at home PERIOD! I told him that I could do that.

I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping so that I would stop eating! I had so much do but it just didn't get done. So...here it is late and I have more to do before I will be ready to go! I still don't want to go and Mark told me that I could stay home. But after buying new clothes, paying for a hotel, getting hair, feet and face done I best go.

Mark brought home dinner and a still dozed. I'm just about ready to go. I have a few things to do like pack up this computer and packing in the morning.

I guess I better shut this off and get to bed! Pray for me this weekend!

Till tomorrow night!

Year 3, Day 135

2010-04-22T23:20:00.002-05:00

I got up this morning and got Mark off to work and then I got ready to go and get my hair done and to run a few errands.

I grabbed some breakfast, jumped in the shower and got out the door and to my appointment on time. Vann, my hairdresser decided that my hair needed some highlights so she started working on my hair and then I got my face waxed and on to get my pedicure. I love getting those things! Love it! My toes are painted with "red tulip" and my feet are nice and soft and look tons better. I love getting my pedicures! After the pedicure Vann cut my hair and another stylist flat-ironed my hair. Vann finally got my hair to look like I want! I am so happy! Now ti keep her cutting it the same way. She can have a mind of her own at times!

After getting done there I went to Target to get the movie Avatar and then to Kroger's and picked up some sausages that they had on sale and then headed home, fixed some lunch and then went back to another store to get the rest of the stuff to make mexican rice and other things to take to Dallas this weekend.

Once I got home I got everything put up and then I watched some TV and fell asleep! Nothing else got done today! You know...same o same o!

Mark and I went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner and and on the way over there I called my friend Gayland to double check with her about keeping Bert, Ernie and Oliver. Well after explaining to her the times that the boys needing to get fed she backed out on me. OMG1 Talk about being freak out! We had to scramble to get someone else to come and take care of them or we were going to be forced to lose our hotel room and not got! OMG!

While we were waiting for our order to come up at Chick-Fil-A I called our old neighbor Wayne and asked him if he could watch the cats and he said that he could but he also had a concert to play in on Sunday morning. I told him that I would talk to our neighbor's across the street when we got home to see if they could take care of them and would call him back.

We ate our dinner just a little freaked out about the situation we were in with the cats. Once we got home we walked across the street and talked to our neighbors and Claudia said that she would take care of them and would come over tomorrow to find out what she needed to do. Whew! What would we do? I called Wayne back and let him know that we got the neighbor across the street to do it and told him we would plan to get together when we got home.

We watched some TV and we both fell asleep! Now it is time to get to bed. Tomorrow will be another busy day...getting ready to go!

Year 3, Day 134

2010-04-21T23:52:00.002-05:00

You know what?...I hope like hell that I get out of this funk that I'm in!!!!!

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time coming out here to do this blog! I just don't want to do anything! I have been feeling like crud and I just want to sleep! I can't wait for my Dr.'s appointment on Monday so I can see if these fluid pills are missing me up and pulling too much off of me.

Again today I got nothing done. I just walk through the house and can find no motivation to do anything. It is the pits! I have so much to do. A lot of projects to work on. I just don't want to do it. I haven't even wanted to be on the computer! This is getting bad.

Dinner was out again and we watched TV.

Sounds like the same o same o doesn't it?

I can write about this. I am really loving this Body Bugg. It is a real neat thing. I'm not crazy about journaling twice but I do love seeing the percentages of protein fat and carbs that I'm eating and I also love that it is tracking the sodium since Mike seems to think that is a issue for me. It is cool cause it tracks by the minute how many calories I'm burning. Even just sitting around! I really do love it and I hope that it pays off and gets this weight moving again. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that this past year my weight would be doing what it is doing. I feel like I'm losing my drive. I can't let this happen.

I need something to light my fire again. SOMETHING!

I also don't want to go to Dallas this weekend. I want to see Mark's family but I hate dealing with the food issues away from home because people don't understand. You are dependent on what people are planning and I just plain hate the unknown. The saving grace is that Mark was kind enough to agree to us getting a hotel room just in case it all gets to me. At least right now he understands how important it is for me to keep my sanity!

Tomorrow and Friday will be a busy day. I'll be getting towards the deadline to get things done!

Please keep sending BIG LOSER VIBES my way. Pray for me! I'm scaring myself!

Love you guys! Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Year 3, Day 133

2010-04-20T23:39:00.003-05:00

Got up this morning feeling like crap still! I don't know what is going on but I have no energy. Today was suppose to be a day that I worked out and I just couldn't find the energy to do it.

I dozed on and off all day long. I hate when I am like this. I managed to get a load of clothes washed but didn't dry them. I needed to go to Costco but decided to save it till Mark got off work and we go together. We did and I thought i was not going to make it through the store! Pretty Bad! After we had dinner we went to Brother's Pizza and had dinner and when we got home I put the pork loin that I bought in a crock pot to make the taco meat to take to Dallas this weekend.

I still need to call Animal Control because they haven't called about the"cat" or "thing" that we caught and I can't believe we haven't heard anything. Mark is doing OK but deep down I know that could all change! I need to find a pet sitter for the boys and if I could say this I really do not want to go!

I know I bought some clothes to wear but deep down I just don't want to ride in the car up there and turn around and drive back. I guess I'm such a home body and I just like being at home in my own environment. I like doing what I want to do when I want to do it! LOL!

We watched the Biggest Loser and we're saving Lost for tomorrow night. Mark went to bed and I stayed up and finished watching Ruby that I didn't finish Sunday night. I'm sleepy and I'm having a hard time staying awake.

On the Bodybugg...I had a 500 calorie deficit and so far this week I'm on target to lose 1 1/2 lbs. That scale had better show it! LOL!

Tomorrow has to be a better day! Has to be! I have to feel better period!

Stay strong! Send me some good strength vibes!

I almost forgot! I also started posting my food journal again! So if you were checking out what I was doing then go and check it out!

Year 3, Day 132

2010-04-19T23:07:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning and got Mark off to work and got myself ready to head out to the Dr. and to go up and spend the day with my friend Karen.

I got up to the Dr.'s office and I had to wait for a bit to get my blood drawn. Why do they make appointments if they don't go by them? OMG! One of my pet peeves. I got finished and headed to Karen's. How I wanted to just go back home and crawl into bed. It was a drizzly gray day and I was so sleepy.

Karen and I left her house and ran a bunch of errands. We both had to go to the bank and she needed to Mail a package. By then, it was time for lunch so we headed to Pallotta's. I had a chicken dish that had goat cheese, fresh tomato sauce, black olives and artichokes over wheat pasta. I also had a tossed salad with their home made Italian dressing.

After lunch we headed to Conroe to shop! I want some new outfits to hear to Dallas this weekend. That was a depressing event! I don't know what has happened but when I was at the 100 lb gone mark, I wore a 22/24 size pant. Today...28! WTH???? How can you lose 40 lbs and go up in size? The only thing that I can think of is the skin sagging more! I could hardly stand looking in all the mirror at the grossed-out body. What have I done? I really wanted to puke looking at my own body! I mean PUKE!

I did end up buying a capri pant outfit and about 4 t-shirts and a pair of denim capris. When we got through shopping till we were about to drop we drove through Chick-Fil-A and got a diet lemonade and headed back to Karen's. I just ended up dropping her off because I had to get back home to feed the boys. I was so sleepy and had the hardest time staying awake on the trip home but I made it. I still didn't feel the greatest.

Once home I got the boys fed and Mark got home and I tried all my new clothes on for him and he liked them all. He was just as dumbfounded that my size would go up like it has. I forgot to tell you I asked CATO's if they changed their sizing and they said no.

Mark and I decided that we were going to have pizza again so I measured out some salad dressing and we headed to Brother's pizza. I was so hungry! When we got there we found that they were closed on Monday's. So we debated as to where to go and I almost lost it because of the hunger but I held on and we decided to go to Applebee's and save my extra points for pizza later this week. Applebee's had a new drink "A Skinny Margarita" $6 but it is only 97 calories including the alcohol! We decided to have one because it was only 97 calories and we knew that was only 2 points! OMG! It was delicious. The manager and the bartender came to ask us about it. Apparently it is made from a recipe and not a mix. It has to be measured very accurately but it was fantastic. They were very happy that we liked it. It was served in a really long and tall skinny glass with a salted rim. I want to go back and have another!

When we got home we were going to have a coffee and a dessert but we both were both so sleepy we decided to close our eyes for an hour and that is about all I remember. I remember waking up and trying to drink a cup of coffee but I couldn't keep my eyes open. I remember stumbling to bed...That's it!

Year 3, Day 131

2010-04-18T23:06:00.003-05:00

Got up this morning and fed the boys and let Mark sleep in. He has worked so hard this weekend getting the garage ready for the sale, doing the sale and doing some things around the house. I've been interested in getting a new digital SLR camera to take better food pictures for the website. (I know you are thinking...yea right..you can't even keep up with the blog and it's been forever since you've posted a recipe!) I know! I've been bad but I am gearing up to get on fire about moving this blog back to the site and getting the recipes caught up and adding some new helpful pages. As soon as I get my iPad back from Mike then I will be getting after it.

Anyway, back to the day...

I started looking at camera's waiting for Mark to get up. There is a site I love called Gina's Weight Watcher Recipes and she told me what kind of camera that she uses. Dang they are expensive! When Mark got up we spent the rest of the morning looking at cameras, pricing cameras, searching for cameras, calling about cameras and looking at Consumer Report On-Line. I wish I knew someone who had a DSR Digital Camera that was looking to upgrade and would sell me theirs! I just don't trust E-Bay for a purchase like this! Well, we will continue to search and research till we find a deal.

Mark had a hair cut appointment at noon so we got dressed and headed there and the plan was to go and have pizza and do our normal Costco Run. While Mark was getting his hair cut the sky opened up to one huge thunderstorm. We headed over to Brother's Pizza and it let up long enough to get in and then it really stormed. We tried going to Costco but it was raining so hard we decided to blow it off till one day later this week.

We got home and Mark took a nap and I tried catching up on some TV that I had DVR'd. I fell asleep until the boys started bugging me to death to get up and feed them. They turn into little devils when they are hungry. Bless their hearts! I really do feel sorry for them because they have to wait 12 hours for the next meal. But if I leave their food down they eat till they black-out. They are like their Mommy so we have to keep them on their little diets. At least they are all at a healthy weight!

Mark got up and he read the paper while I worked out. Do I have to tell you how much I wished he would have worked out for me? LOL! I worked out hard on the Wii Fit and I burned 406 calories in 50 minutes. After that I put in my Biggest Loser game and worked out on it for a bit. One of the exercises had you get on the floor so with Mark there I got down on the floor. OMG by the time I got situated to do the excercise it was over. Then...OMG we had a hell of a time getting me up off the floor. Man, I haven't gotten on the floor much over the last 30+ years and this old body just doesn't know now to maneuver! SCARY! I think that I need some physical therapy or something to help me re-learn or build some strength to help me get up off the floor. Pathetic! Really made me sad!

Mark fixed us a sandwich for dinner and we watched Ruby and during the last 15 minutes or so his sister called and we talked till 1 a.m. She is a talker and we don't talk often so...needless to say I was exhausted! I haven't been feeling the greatest either! Starting to worry that maybe the lasik are staring to get things out of whack. Oh well, tomorrow I go in for blood work to have all my levels checked...so until then be good and continue the journey.

Year 3, Day 130

2010-04-17T23:41:00.005-05:00

Don't you just hate when you wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off?!!!

I hate it! Especially when you haven't been asleep for very long. Well, I laid there anyway and when the alarm went off I got up and jumped in the shower and started getting dressed for Weight Watchers. I really didn't want to go and I'm finding myself not wanting to go each week. It is a "You had better changed your attitude or get your butt beat by Mike, so get dressed, put that fake smile on your face like you love this and get going" NOT! I'm not loving this too much these days but I know that I can't quit. Quitting is death. Death is not a real option even though there are times I wish for it.

Meredith was up once I got dressed and we visited for a few minutes till Mark brewed me some coffee and I left the house. I thought I was going to be late cause it seemed that I was hitting every single red light on the road. I hate that!

I got there and emptied my kidney's and got in line to weigh in. I noticed that they had come out with a new Celebrations cookbook and since I buy them all I had to had this one as well. Mike came walking up and was telling everyone about it and he noticed that I already had one in my hands and he said to me "New one Laura and you will love it! Hot off the presses. Shouldn't be here today but it is" That told me that he just got them in and made an effort to get them up there for his Saturday's group. Booger. Never told me that a new cookbook was coming out. He has been weird lately. I swear the man goes in cycles. Sometimes he will tell me everything and other times he just talks about the weather. Oh well. I'm just glad that he is willing to help me and has done all that he has done for me.

I got up to weigh and I was fully expecting there to be a gain because of what the scale said I was up yesterday. I was shocked to see that I had maintained. Hell, I'll take that. It is sure better than a flipping gain! Woo Hoo!

After the meeting Mike and I talked about the Body Bugg and we looked at my journal 4 weeks ago when he dropped me to 25 points. There was some confusion as to how much those points converted to calories. The Body Bugg is saying that I need to eat 2800 and he has me eating between 1450 and 1700 depending on flex point days. We didn't get anything resolved except to use it ad track it and let's see what happens and we'll talk again. We walked outside and talked some more and then he introduced me to a lady that is in his 9:00 class. I left after that.

When I got home the garage sales was going in full force. I'm so happy because we got rid of the furniture and my nieces were happy with what they sold. The garage sale was suppose to end at 12:00 but at 2:00 Shannon was selling stuff from the hatch of her SUV! LOL!

Meredith had to leave to go take a test around noon and Melanie and Shannon stayed and visited for a bit. I fixed us some fresh strawberries and Cool Whip. Yummy. Once they left we wanted a nap but it almost time to feed the boys so we decided to feed the boys on the early side and we drove up to the Woodlands for dinner at Pallotta's. YUMMY!

When we got home we tried watching some TV but we both crashed. It has been a long day and we have lots on the agenda again tomorrow. I'm so sleepy I don't want to connect the Body Bugg so I will share how that goes tomorrow as well.

Stay strong and just do it!

Year 3, Day 129

2010-04-16T23:18:00.002-05:00

Got up this morning and was thoroughly disgusted with what I weighed. I swear I can't take this up and down and up and down crap much more. I came in here and got on the lap top and started researching the Body Bugg one more time. I've looked at them once before and I keep seeing them use them on The Biggest Loser and I've read about them in Julie Hadden's book. Once Mark got up, I talked to him about my frustrations and we looked at them and read the reviews and before you knew it he was on his way to 24 Hour Fitness to get me one.

Well this evening my niece and her partner and my other niece were coming for dinner and go through come old cookbooks of mine and then stay for the garage sale tomorrow. I had so much to get done today as Mark was concentrating on the garage and I needed to be cleaning house, getting to the store and cooking dinner. Well, with the purchase of the Body Bugg I spent all morning long reading, upload and installing everything that I need to use the thing. I was really trying not to move too much because I couldn't get it up and running till I charged it. It also had some questionnaire's to answer to set up your program. Pretty cool. Once it calculated what calorie level I needed to be at and how much I needed to burn each day to lose 1 1/2 lbs a week then I had to start entering what I had eaten for the day. This ought to be fun tracking the points and tracking the calories for this thing. Just what I wanted to do...track everything twice.

I will get a phone consultation with one of their professionals so maybe they can help me get by not having to create all the food that I am eating. Maybe there is a way just to enter the calories with out adding all the fat, fiber, carbs, protein, calcium and all the other stuff. However the one cool thing that I do like but I'm not sure how to pull the information out, when you create food it also asks for the sodium and I wouldn't mind being able to trace my sodium since Mike seems to think that I am suffering with fluid retention problems and I'm not sure what I think. Maybe that is all a bunch of bull!

Anyway, it was about 12:30 when I got it all going so I jumped in the shower and washed and dried my hair and got the thing on and started out on my afternoon. Well, I wasn't sure what time the girls were all coming so I talked to Mark about just taking them out for dinner so that I could concentrate on getting the house ready. He was o.k. with that. A little later my youngest niece call and said that she wasn't coming to dinner but that she would come Saturday for the garage sale. She wanted to stay after the garage sale and have dinner and I'm o.k. with that.

Meredith called on her way home from work and told me that they were going to try to get out here as soon as they could once they loaded up the cars and get the their dog Ollie. We waited and waited and finally they called and it was going on near 8:00. I could have cooked if I would have known that they wouldn't have gotten out here till that late. Once we got them unloaded and got Ollie situated and the cats all situated we left to go and have dinner at On The Border.

We had a wonderful dinner and a great time visiting and then we came home and they were going to go through my cookbooks and Meredith ended up falling asleep on the couch and Shannon and I sat up and talked for a bit. Finally we both got sleepy so she has gone to bed and that is where I'm headed. Oh yes, I also finished my stats on the Body Bugg.

Today this is what the report told me:

I burned 2244
I consumed 1474
I had a deficit of 770 (on target for my 1 1/2 lbs per week)
I took 2,064 steps.

Interesting...I can't wait to see if this is worth my $179!

Year 3, Day 128

2010-04-15T23:58:00.002-05:00

Happy Tax Day!

I hate today! I hate letting go of all that money that we always have to pay into the IRS! It just stinks!

I needed to have gotten alot done today but I didn't. I just piddled around the house and didn't get alot done. Tomorrow I am going to have to hit the ground running.

I am still managing my food and that makes me happy. I just hate being cut back on my points. Mike tells me that it makes me mad cause I can't get to my drug. Sad thing is "He's Right!" I sure would like to have my 7 points back per day. Maybe soon.

I did get a nice nap in today and I really did need that.

We had Chick-Fil-A tonight for dinner and we caught up on LOST. That show!!!! OMG! I think that it is the best one ever done. I don't want to see it end. It just boggles your mind. I can't wait to own it on Blu-Ray!

Tomorrow I've got so much to do to get ready for company and the garage sale. Luckily Mark will be home to help. He has the job of getting the garage ready and I have to get the inside of the house clean, cook dinner and I want to make a breakfast casserole. Not sure when the girls will be showing up but I know that we all plan to have a great time. I'll have to take pictures of all that we do! That reminds me. I best be getting the battery out of the camera and getting it on the charger! I'll do that before I go to bed!

I'll continue to work backwards as I go forwards and hopefully I can end this insanity soon.

Then I have the food journal to catch up! OMG! Calgon take me away! SNORT!

Year 3, Day 127

2010-04-14T22:59:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning determined to stay motivated to start cleaning up the house and getting ready for Meredith and Shannon to come and help with the garage sale on Saturday. They have some things to sell since they combined households and they want me to help them with some recipes for a open-house/birthday celebration for Meredith's 30th birthday. I also need for them to go through some of my old cookbooks and some kitchen stuff that I want to sell and get out of the house.

Well....ya'll know be by now. I give in to procrastination. I did get bills paid today and I tried a new workout game for the Wii Fit called Walk It Out but the batteries on the controller were weak and I couldn't get it to work right. Bummer. I really wanted to work out today. I guess there is always tomorrow.

One thing that I haven't written about because I feel like I'm going backwards trying to keep up and catch up but I've been turned on to Green Tea. Man that is my "go to" workout drink. I love the Lipton Citrus diet green tea. It costs more than I really would like to spend on tea but hopefully I can find some coupons or sales.

Another thing I'm looking for and can't find here is Smart Beat Fat-Free Mayo. Kim Bensen swears that it is good and she sells it on her sight for...get this...$9 plus shipping! I don't even think so! I've found a place that I can get it cheaper on line but I have to buy a case and until I can try it and agree that it is good then I don't think so. I need to get my "Cookies" to check their grocery stores and possibly get them to get me a jar to try. I'll have to post this on the WW Boards.

I was a lazy bum tonight and let Mark bring home dinner. He worked tearing down boxes in the garage and loading them up in my car to take to recycle and then he wrote out our national debt check to the IRS and took it to the Post Office. Glad that is over with!

I'm bushed and I need to get some shut-eye because tomorrow I have got to clean this house because Friday we have Meredith, Mel and Shannon coming for dinner and the garage sale.

One last thing...have I told you lately how much I hate being at 25 points?!!!!! I DO! Mike hasn't changed me yet! This is getting old and I hate being hungry all the time!

Booger!

Year 3, Day 126

2010-04-13T23:55:00.003-05:00

I didn't sleep very well last night. In fact I hardly slept at all. After staying up till the wee hours of the morning making my list for Anna and thinking over my life I was simply wired. I am depressed, I cried buckets of tears as I re-lived some of the most painful days and time periods of my life. But I still hate like crazy to go through with it.

I so wanted to talk to Mike yesterday. He was so busy and we only chatted a little about trapping the cat. I wanted to talk to him before I had to go this morning. I was mad that he didn't call after I texted him last night and then I also had to finish my list this morning and I debated should I or should I not answer my phone if he called. I was in a bad mood.

I got Mark off to work and I went back to working on my list. I could tell by where I was at in going through my life that I either had to be more brief or start leaving things off. I almost started to panic a bit as I wanted it to be perfect and I knew that I should not have procrastinated about it as well. I know that I had waited till the last minute to write it because I have been going through so much.

Well, Mike called and I took his call. He asked me if I was ready and I told him that I was working on my list and I immediately started getting teary. He reassured me that it was going to be o.k. and it was the best thing for me. He told me that he was anxious to see how I liked Anna and he thought that we would be a good match. I told him I was having the hardest time making the list and he told me not to worry about it. He told me that I probably had enough to get started and that I could add to it. He said that all therapists have you do this so that they can have something to start with and not have to try and guess what all the issues are. He told me how I was feeling was normal and told me that it would be all o.k. He told me some jokes and got our conversation lighter and got me laughing and then told me that he would call me from the road after he did his morning meetings. We hung up.

I worked on my list a little more and check in with my "cookie" friends. I then went and jumped in the shower and got dressed and came back to the list and finished things up and I left the house. Oh how I wanted my cell phone to ring. I tried calling some friends and of course they were not answering. I finally got a hold of Rosie and she talked to me all the way to Anna's office. I was a nervous wreck and I felt like very single emotion I had was in the back of my throat. I hated the way that I felt.

I got out of the car and started walking towards the building and I really felt like I was walking to my prison cell. She left out some paperwork she said that she would and I got it all filled out and the person who was ahead of me left and she shook my hand we went into her office.

Her office was beautiful. She has a corner office and she is on the first floor. She is in a forest type environment so it was alot of trees and had a small brook running through it. Peaceful. When we started talking it dawn on me that she greatly looked like Dr. O'Malley my last therapist. I know that my mouth fell open. Her looks, the softness of her voice, the whole thing. I ended up telling her so.

She started going down my brief list and asking me questions and I think for now I will leave things just been between us. At some point in time I may share but right now it's too painful and I need to get better and I'll let my emotions be my guide. Knowing myself like I do I'm sure it will not be long before I will be yapping about everything! But for now...no. I will say that cried alot and things that came out of my own mouth shocked me. I really do have some issues. I hope that we can fix me once and for all. I told Anna that I would take apart every area/part of my life I will work like crazy but what I want out of this was to walk away free from my past and live the rest of my life without pain and to be happy!

When we set up my next meeting (April 27) she told me that she wanted to do hypnotherapy. I've done that before and while it is a little freaky I know that it works. After the way everything hit me this week I would love to be put in a peaceful state and be able to talk without the pain!

When I got back to the car I called Mark and told him how it went then I went my FM transmitter so that I could listen to song from my iPhone and headed back across town. I felt a little anxiousness and for a very few minutes I wanted to eat but I was able to talk my way through it and I made it home and fixed me a really good lunch and all was well.

Because I hadn't slept much I was sleep and I fell asleep. When Mike called he woke me up. We talked nearly an hour about the session amongst other things. He was so happy that I liked Anna and that we connected. He told me that he really had great respect for her and held her high as a professional. He went on and told me that he would consider going into practice with her if he ever decided to stop leading WW. That shocked me! I can't see Mike not doing what he is doing. He is too damn good at what he does.

After we talked I called Mark again and told him that I wanted to go back to Pallotta's for dinner. He said that he could go back across town to have a great meal. So when he got home we went.

I did also worked out on the Wii. According to it I'm down 8 lbs from the last month. Not sure if my WW book reflects that but that is what the Wii said. Boy did I ever sweat but I did burn 425 calories and since Mike will let me keep half of my AP's I earned 4. Woo Hoo!

I cleaned up and drove across town and had an amazing dinner of baked chicken parmesan with whole wheat pasta and marinara and a serving of fresh veggies which was cauliflower, broccoli, carrots and zucchini. YUM! They also served a salad with the best Fat-Free Italian Dressing! It was excellent. I'm so glad that we listened to Mike and check it out last Saturday night!

Once we got home we tried watching The Biggest Loser and we both fell asleep in our chairs just before they got to the point of voting someone off. Shame!

Mark went on to bed and I tried writing the blog and my eyes kept slamming shut.

Year 3, Day 125

2010-04-12T16:37:00.000-05:00

Year 3, Day 124

2010-04-11T16:36:00.001-05:00

Year 3, Day 123

2010-04-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

Year 3, Day 122

2010-04-09T16:35:00.000-05:00

Year 3, Day 121

2010-04-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

Year 3, Day 120

2010-04-07T16:34:00.001-05:00

Year 3, Day 119

2010-04-06T16:32:00.001-05:00

Year 3, Day 118

2010-04-05T16:32:00.004-05:00

I got up this morning and got Mark off to work and as soon as the Dr.'s office opened up I called and got a appointment to go and see him. I want to put this fluid retention problem to bed! Mike says that is my problem and my soul says it is not! So...the Dr. and I are going to talk.

I got dressed and got out the door and I called Mike and told him I was headed to the Dr. He told me to call him when I got done.

Dr. Youngblood and I talked all about the fluid retention problem that Mike thinks that I have. He doesn't think that it is a issue that the Dyazide isn't taking care of. I took him a copy of my stat page and I also took him the last 5 months of journals to show him how I was eating and that I wasn't blowing program too often. Dr. Youngblood says that a 4-5 variance in my weight is normal fluid retention. I know that is a lot and I hate to think that this is true but he is a Dr. He reminded me that Mike wasn't and he also told me that he didn't think that it was a good idea that Mike was lowering my points. I thought to myself. OMG! Don't put me between a rock and a hard place! We continued to talk about how 3,500 calories equals a pound and that you have to have a deficit in order to lose weight. I understand all of that but I'm just not getting the fact that this weight is not moving. He agreed to put me on a low dose lasix and he wants me to come back in a few weeks to make sure that all my blood counts are in normal range. He also wants to see me a week after that. So we will see...

I paid and set up my lab appointment for 2 weeks and my follow-up with Dr. Youngblood and I left. Once I got in the car I called Mark and told him all about the visit and told him that I didn't know if I should tell Mike about Youngblood telling me that he shouldn't be missing with my points. Mark said that he wouldn't. After Mark and I finished our conversation then I called Mike and we talked about the Dr. and I ended up telling him what the Dr. said. I should have known. He went off telling me that Dr.'s only study nutrition for one semester and he has been helping people get to goal for almost 12 years. OMG! We finally going over all what the Dr. said and I also brought my iPad with me to see if I could just drop it by his house on my way home as he wanted to mess around with it and frankly I wanted him too because he is such a technical geek I knew that he could figure everything out about it all and then teach me and I won't have to figure out all that it does. Well, he was out running errands and he didn't know how long he would be at each one of his stops. He said that he would call me later and see if we could meet up. I told him that I was going to go ahead home and if anything I would just drive it up to his Monday night meeting.

I went home and had some lunch and I burned a few CDs and synced my iPod and iPhone and iPad and headed up to his meeting. I called him before I got there and he couldn't believe that I would drive it up to him. I didn't have anything else to do but I'm telling you I about fell asleep at the wheel driving up there. When I got there he was on the phone as the computers were down and one of the receptionists I know took the iPad and we talked and she told me that she couldn't believe that I would drive it up to him. I told her I was a idiot. I also told her to say a prayer that I could make it home cause I about fell asleep at the wheel on the way up. I walked over to Subway and bought a Diet Coke and headed home and I made it just fine.

Mark and I decided to go to Applebee's for dinner and on the way home Mike called and thanked me for bringing it to me and yada yada. I told him to check it out, learn it well as I expected him to teach me all about it!

Mark and I watched TV the rest of the evening and we both fell asleep in our chairs! What a day! I'm tired and I'm going to go and hit the hay!

Year 3, Day 117

2010-04-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter!

We got up this morning and since we didn't get to do our Cracker Barrel breakfast yesterday we went to one close to home this morning. We really did enjoy it and I really had too many points considering my 25 points per day Mikie restriction! We left the house around 7:15 so we really ate early.

On the way back home we still talked about our landscaping re-do and and some of the things that we needed. We decided that we would go on to Home Depot to buy mulch and look around there. We found a beautiful gold pot for the front porch but it as nearly $100. I told Mark that we needed to go and check out Garden Ridge Pottery and see if we could find something cheaper, so we bought the mulch we needed and loaded it in the back of my truck and left.

I almost forgot...While at Cracker Barrel I found the cutest red rooster fan! I have a rooster theme in my kitchen and this thing is over the top. I'll have to take a picture of it to let you all see! I also found my Dad his unique Father's Day gift but I can't put it out here in fear that he will decide to read and find out about it!

I wasn't even 10 in the morning by the time we headed for Garden Ridge and I was already hungry and I could tell that this day was going to be a challenging one in the food department. I texted Mike and told him that I only had 10 points left for the day. Of course this would cause some pretty strong text messages and then a pretty strong phone call in the middle of Garden Ridge. The man knows how to scare the living daylights out of me to be good! Thank You Lord!

We scored big on all our purchases at Garden Ridge. We spent $400 but we got 3 more pictures for the media room, a umbrella for our patio furniture (it is on a stand and it bends over across the table). I can't wait to use it. I got some black place mats and napkins for the dining room table, plants for the media room, candles for the scones and I know that I'm forgetting some of the things. While I was at Garden Ridge I ran into my friend Pam (who owns the cross-stitch store) and joked around with each other because it's been a long time since we've seen each other 2 days in a row. Too funny!

The we headed for Costco to get the things that we needed for the week. When we got home we took a nap and then Mark worked out in the yard a bit. It is really looking nice. I will have to take a picture of it as well once we get finished. Mike called me in the evening to see if I was able to manage my points and we had a discussion on how I counted some chips and salsa and he listened, didn't raise his voice but told me that he was going to let me make the decision. OMG! I was shocked. He told me that when I told him that I was going to fast when I was upset with what has been going on with my weight. What in the hell is with this? I knew better than to say anything other than OK! I made my decision but I didn't like the way I felt about it. But more than anything I am bugged with Mike telling me "you decide!"

We watched TV the rest of the evening and I made sandwiches for dinner and managed my points. I wouldn't have been able to without staying gone most of the day. So...that really works. If you can't control the eating, then get out of the house. It may have cost us $400 but it was well worth what I binge would have been! Right?

Onward....

Year 3, Day 116

2010-04-03T23:29:00.001-05:00

Boy was I tired when I got up this morning. It was like moving in slow motion! I got dressed but the whole time I wanted to crash back in the bed. Two hours of sleep is not enough!

Mark was a sweetie and he got the coffee made and put into our cups and got my packages loaded into his car. We got away a little later than I wanted to but we got to the meeting in good time. The receptionists were surprised with their little gifts. I gave them some of the cookies that I made (I made them at Christmas and I know I have been bad and they are NOT on the site. I promise to get that done!) along with a bottle of anti-bacteria hand soap in Bath and Body works newest tropical scent along with a little roll up tote bag to carry in your purse for shopping and a little holder that attaches to your key-ring that holds a small bottle of the anti-bacteria hand cleanser that you don't have to rinse. I also put a package of the new flavored Altoids Creme De Mint. Those are yummy!

I was shocked after week 2 of being at 25 daily target points and only 20 of my flex points to have a 2.2 gain! I could have screamed! I really wanted to cry!

I went calmly into the meeting room and sat down and Mike came in and did the meeting. I had told him yesterday that I had a little gift for him as well, plus I had burned all the CD's that he had wanted from my Itunes library. After the meeting he walked down to the car with me to get his bag and on the elevator he asked me how I did. I told him "2.2" and he looked at me shocked yet very happy and he goes "Down right?" and I said "No...UP!" I wish you all could have seen the look on his face. I was so pissed off I could hardly talk. There is nothing like feeling like you are starving yourself to death and then gaining weight. As we walked outside Mike started giving me his fluid retention talk. I'm so sick of hearing this I could scream. How can it be when you are taking fluid pills and you just got your Dr. to increase them? How can it? I don't get it and I don't understand it.

I gave him his gift and he also knew that we were headed to Best Buy to buy me a new iPad. He told me that he would call me after his next meeting to see if I got one. Well, Mark and I went to one Best Buy and waited and found it strange that there was no line out the door. When they opened at 9:00 we found out only certain Best Buy's sold Apple Products. We jumped in the car and headed for the location that they told us would be selling them. When we got there we rushed and I was the first person to purchase a 32G iPad! I was so excited. I will have to wait for all the accessories I need till next week. Here is the funny. They were going to issue me a ticket and I was going to have to come back that afternoon between 3 and 5, but while I was there the truck came in and they were there so they pulled it off the truck and brought it to me! I got to play around with it at the store and you can't believe all that it does. It is really like having a component computer. It is so much more than a reader!

We left Best Buy and went through Starbucks cause we were dying of thirst and felt like we needed so more coffee. Then we headed back to WW's to show Mike but he was doing a meeting so we were going to wait for him in the car. (He had never called) Mark decided that we should leave and go get gas in the car and come back so that is what we did. While we were getting gas Mike called and asked if I had it and I told him that I did. I asked him if he and his sweetie wanted to meet us for lunch for we all decided to meet at Brother's for pizza.

We all got there about the same time and ordered our pizza and I handed Mike the un-opened box. He looked so surprised and said to me "You haven't opened it?" I laughed and I told him that I thought that I would give him the honor since he is such a electronics techie and because he stopped me for wasting my money on a netbook computer. He carefully opened the box and we were all excited about connecting it to Brother's Wi-Fi and guess what? It wouldn't work! OMG! The look on both Mike's and my faces. Mark and Sandy were laughing at Mike and I cause we were not laughing! I was going to have to register it with Apple before it would launch! So we all enjoyed our pizzas and visited and left to go about our day.

Mark and I left and went to my friend Pam's cross stitching shop. April 1 was her 15th year anniversary. It just doesn't seem that long ago that she opened it. It was such a special time for her so we went and bought her some yellow roses and card and went to her open house and I got to see some of my old stitching buddies. We are going to plan to get together really soon.

We headed home cause we were beat. I was really tired since I hadn't had any sleep. We decided that we had better hit the garden place before tomorrow because of it being Easter Sunday they might be closed. So we went home and got my truck and went back and bought the most gorgeous azaleas (magenta color) and some daffodils to add to our landscape make-over. We came home and Mark started planting the daffodils and I went in and fell asleep.

This evening we ate sandwiches and just watched some TV. I couldn't keep my eyes open. Mike kept calling me all after noon to see if I got the iPad up and running so I did get that taken care of. I was too tired to mess with it. He was dying to hear all about it. I probably should have sent it home with him with my itunes log-in and password and let him start playing with it. Funny guy!

Well, I'm exhausted and tomorrow is Easter and we are getting up and going to go out and have our Cracker Barrel Breakfast.

Happy Easter!

Year 3, Day 115

2010-04-02T23:28:00.003-05:00

I got up this morning and I wanted to get after cleaning this house. I decided early on that I didn't want to sit around today so I got busy. I got all the laundry done, folded, hung whatever i had to do. I got the kitchen and dining room clean and I also washed and dried the sheets on the bed and re-made it.

I loved being busy today but I wore myself out. My stupid feet are still giving me problems standing for long periods of time. I really do need to go and get my ankles looked at to make sure that there isn't something that could be done for them including some physical therapy to get them stronger. I'm just sick of them hurting and then having to hear them pop and crack and shift and the list goes on.

I really did enjoy cleaning the house and such which is a huge change for me. I would do a little and then I would get off my feet a little. I even made up some cookie dough to make cookies for little Easter treats that I was putting together for the Receptionists and for Mike. Needless to say Mark was shocked when he got home and saw all that I did. The house looked great.

I did have Mark bring home Luby's because I was in the middle of baking cookies and ripping CD's for Mike. We had dinner and Mark watched TV while I ran through the house like a chicken with it's head cut off. Limping of course. My feet were killing me.

Mark went to bed at the normal time but I stayed up till nearly 3 getting things ready for Mike and the girls. I hope that they are surprised with their little remembrance gifts! I really had fun doing it. I love to surprise people!

Year 3, Day 114

2010-04-01T23:46:00.004-05:00

I got up this morning feeling hung over. There has been way too much emotion going on lately! In spite of it all I'm still surprised that I am hanging on and not running to food. Not even having strong thoughts about it...nothing...AMAZING! Never thought I would live to see the day.

We are suppose to go and meeting my parents this weekend to get their cat. They are going to Washington next week and Blue is a diabetic and has just had a bad time with this health. I'm not comfortable with them leaving him with just a neighbor checking in on him. So I told my parents that I would keep him.

I had talked to my niece last weekend about the possibility of my parents coming up to bring us Blue. I told her that we were in the talking stage but I wanted to let them know that there was a slight chance for them to come up. I wanted to make sure that my nieces didn't make plans just in case if my parents did come up that we all could have a meal together. I told her not to say anything to them but to let me work it out and I'd let her know. Did she listen to me? Hell NO!

I hate when you ask someone to do something and they tell you that they are going to do it and then they don't. Ticks me to the hilt! So that was my surprise when I called my parents this morning, I was hit with Meredith this and Meredith that and I just lost it! It got ugly! I didn't hold back any feelings or emotions in telling my parents what I thought about her sticking her foot into these plans after I told her I would let her know what we worked out and not to get involved in it. Of course my parents came to her rescue. The whole conversation reminded me so much of how things were growing up with how my parents always took up for my brother...Robby this and Robby that and today I just felt like Meredith this and Meredith that and I lost it! I be damn if I want these feelings and emotions to go on one more day. I hate the way it all makes me feel. You have to understand that my earliest memories of this kind of stuff goes back over 45 years ago. A long time...to damn long!

The conversation got really heated and my sometime during the conversation my Mom got off the phone as she had an appointment to get to. My Dad hung up on me which just added fuel to the fire. I could have thrown everything I could have gotten my hands on. Not one time did I say that I was going to chew Meredith out for jumping in the the middle of this but I did say that I was not going to tell her anything anymore. My Dad got all concerned that I wouldn't talk to her anymore nor would I ever have her over. Come On! OMG! She is my freakin niece! I love her! I would do anything on the earth for Meredith and Melanie and Trey! But I don't have to share my world with them. Get real DAD!

My Dad called back ad we talked (argued) some more. I wasn't going to tell him or my Mom what had happened between Mark and I or that I was going to go see a therapist but it all came out. It came out in a fury and it wasn't pretty. I told him how I was sick of how they make me feel most of the time. I told them that I didn't want to go through another day of my life feeling like they make me feel. My Dad got real upset but for once I didn't care. For once with them it was ALL ABOUT ME! It needs to be! Or at least that is how I feel. Of course my Dad got all concern about how I was losing it and told me that he was glad that I was going to counseling and that if I needed help he would help and if they needed to be involved that they would. For the first time in my life he agreed that these feelings and emotions needed to be dealt with.

The rest of the day was a continued roller coaster emotional day. I jumped into cleaning house and starting the laundry. I needed to shift my focus somewhere else. In the afternoon I took a break from what I was doing and I feel asleep for several hours. I was exhausted. Mark bought home dinner and we watched TV and plunked around on the Internet mindlessly. I should have been writing this blog but I just couldn't get motivated to do so.

In spite of all the stress, arguing and stuff going on, I'm still not having a draw to the food. Managing my points and in the area of food I'm still as cool as a cucumber!

It just blows me away!

By the way...Happy April Fool's Day!

Year 3, Day 113

2010-03-31T23:08:00.004-05:00

I got up this morning feeling the backlash that Mike kept warning me about. I was so depressed. I still didn't want to eat but I didn't want to go on either. I knew that I had totally let all of you down and that bothered me so much. I still just couldn't get my mind and my heart to post and share all that was going on. I felt like I was on a roller coaster.

I felt like I needed to do something to let you all know what was happening. I told you that I had bought Julie Hadden's book on Monday and the book lured me to look for her website. When I found it I just started click through it all. It had her transformation video on it and some really neat music. I noticed on the credits that one of the songs was "Proud" the theme of the Biggest Loser and another was "The Real Me". Both songs pulled at my heart strengths and the words to "Proud" got the tears rolling down my face...

"I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

The verse to the song made me reflect back to December 2007 when I started this journey. I thought I had done all of that. But today I felt like a failure, I felt like I had not stepped out of the ordinary. I feel LOST!

When it got to the Chorus I felt like I had done nothing for months to FEEL PROUD. No pictures. No great victories. Just out here every day bitching and complaining and boring everyone with my stupid conversations with Mike. My mind got to thinking "Is he really coaching me anymore? Why hasn't he done anything up till I threw my fit and threatened to start fasting? Why the flipping 25 points? Why does he keep thing that this is fluid retention? I don't understand that one? Still trying to wrap my head around it all. I started having the biggest pity party that the world has ever seen. I wanted so bad to just walk away from everything but the last flame in my soul started screaming "But!!!! You promised that you would be here no matter what through the good and the bad that you were going to share what it was like to lose all this weight!!!! Don't you walk away. If you touch and change one soul it was worth it!" I just cried.

After I got myself together a bit the phone rang and it was Mike. I didn't want to answer it but I knew that I had better. When I answered Mike asked me how I was and I told him "OK" and he immediately told me that I didn't sound OK. Mike has gotten where he will not let me get a word in edgewise at times. This was one of those times. His conversation moved to asking me if I had thought anymore about seeing Anna a therapist in one of his groups. He is highly recommending her. I keep resisting. A part of me understands that I need therapy simply from some of the deep conversations that Mike and I have from time to time. The problem I have with it all is our finances and the fact that the last time I was in therapy over my abusive marriage, the rape and the abortion it lasted for over 3 years. Three grueling years! I relate going into therapy again to the length of time it will take to concur more that bugs me. I know that we can't afford it either!

Luckily Mike didn't push me but told me to think about it. He encouraged me some with his thoughts about Anna and how he thought that she could really help and between the two of them working with me that I could make great strides. OMG! We talked till he got to his meeting and he told me that he would call me back as soon as he got through. I think that he knew that he was getting to me.

After we hung up I decided what did I have to lose to go on-line to see if Anna was on our insurance. If she was then I knew that I might be stuck and if she wasn't then I would be free from any more discussion of her. I could put this off a bit longer. Well...do I even need to say that Anna is on our insurance! My eyes rolled back into my head. I called Mark and told him what was going on and his response was if I thought I needed to go back into therapy then we would work it out. When Mark and I hung up I just cried and cried. I texted Mike and told him that Anna was on our insurance. I bet he loved his phone vibrating in his pocket! LOL! Why I did that I don't know. I think I was in shock. I then decided to call and ask some questions thinking that I would talk to a receptionists or something. I wanted to see if they thought 12 sessions would help my circumstances since that is all I feel like we can afford.

When I called I didn't get a receptionist...I got Anna. OMG! I introduced myself and told her that Mike was referring to me and we talked about how she does her visits and if she thought 12 sessions would even be worth starting. Her response to me was that she understood that finances can be a issue and that she usually sees new patients once a week for the first 3 or 4 weeks and then it moves to every other week or once a month or once every 6 weeks. That told me right then that there wasn't going to be anyway of getting out of this one. I made my appointment so...

April 13 at 10:45 I start a new journey of therapy. When I hung up from Anna I wailed and wailed and wailed. I hated the way that it made me feel. Bert, Ernie and Oliver came running and those 3 babies were all over me loving on me and trying to comfort me. I just cried and cried feeling dumb, feeling psychotic, feeling like a wadded up piece of shit! A real mental case. I hate the way that I feel! PERIOD!

Mike called as soon as he pulled out of the parking garage at his meeting. When he called all excited about Anna being on our insurance he started encouraging me to call her and I then I told him that I had already called and that I had an appointment for April 13 at 10:45. Mike was elated. Me...NOT! When I started trying to tell Mike how I felt he says to me "If you don't want to do this then don't". I tried telling him that it wasn't that I didn't want to do it but that it was making me feel awful...dumb and he stopped me and told me the same thing..."If you don't want to do this or you are not ready then don't" But in the same breath he tells me how he thinks I will connect with Anna and how much he respects her and how much she will be able to help me. I just choked up. He told me that we would get through this that he wasn't going to let me go. He told me "You, Me and Anna will walk across that finish line along with some Clydesdale's" He must have known that it all had gotten to me. It had! I hated the way that I felt...however what he said to me was so beautiful as I could see Mike and I and another woman walking arm in arm across a finish line with the budweiser Clydesdale's coming up behind us.

The rest of the afternoon I cried a little and then alot. I hate the way that I feel which also is telling me that I really do need this. Anna wants me to bring a list of things that I think that I need help with. Where in the hell do I start? How much to do I want to say? Do I talk about everything that bugs me? Do I just keep this at what is going on with WW's or do I really bring up some of the tough feelings of my past.

Mark and I talked about it this evening. He wants me to talk about everything and not to hold anything back. He now is committed to doing whatever we have to do to be able to afford all of this. I just can't quit crying. I don't know how to think much less how to feel.

Mixed emotions. Very screwed up. Feeling dumb, ugly, hopeless, worthless and the list goes on.

I guess I do need help. Oh God!

Maybe someday...this will really be my song. I hope so. There must be a reason why today I was led to it. I'm leaving it attached.

Year 3, Day 112

2010-03-30T23:39:00.002-05:00

I woke up still in awe about not losing control with the food with all that is going on in my life right now. It has been weird living this. This must really be a change because as alot of you know once you realize something like this, it is like the circumstances goes ahead and gives you permission to do it. Make sense?

My mind is just not scheming, desiring...nothing...nada. My heart hurts, I'm confused with my feelings, I'm very emotional but the food is still not calling my name. I'm so blown away by it all.

Mike and I talked on his way to Huntsville but we really didn't talk about program stuff. We just chatted about things going on in general. He always has stories to tell. The things that goes on in his meetings that the members say and do are amazing. What fun it will be to someday be a leader. Not sure that I will be able to handle situations like he does but it will be interesting to see all the crazy things that he deals with.

Bobby and I talked again this morning too. She is getting ready for her family reunion and has so much to do. She is a bit frustrated as everyone says they are coming but no one is offering to help her. I encouraged her to start telling people what to bring. She was really stressed out.

After we talked I called Mark as I wanted to see if Pat wanted to go to lunch. We hadn't done that in a long time and I also had some errands to run. I had forgotten that yesterday Karen and I also went to Bath & Body Works as I needed to get some refills to their plug-in air fresheners. I also found the neatest little hold for their mini anti-bacterial no rinse hand wash that you can attach to your key ring. I decided that I wanted to do a little Easter present for the receptionist at my WW meeting. Pat was able to go to lunch but she had to go early so I had to hurry and get dressed and get out of here to go and get her. We went to Applebee's. We love that place because even at lunch time it is a pretty quiet place and we love to talk, talk, talk!

I told Pat about what was going on with Mark and she was shocked. I told her that she would be able to read about it once I could get back to feeling like I could write about it. She shared with me a book that she was ready by Dr. Shapiro (I think that was his name) and she read me a part of it that touched her life and she thought would touch mine. Once I ready the 3 books that I want to read I will have to get the title of it again and ready it as well. As usually we got yakky and we were gone longer than we needed to be! Poor Vickie! She had to wait a pretty long time for us. I really felt bad.

After I dropped Pat off I ran to another Randall's to look for some more of those Manischewitz Chocolate Macaroons. They didn't have them so then I went to Bath and Body works to pick up the gifts that I wanted to give to the receptionists. I also decided to include my nieces and my mom as I was going to see them this weekend to get my parents cat to take care of him while they went to Washington DC. I got everything that I needed and I still wanted to go by the liquor store as Mark and I decided that we wanted to stock a bar and wanted to start having a drink every night. Hummm....are we planning to become alcoholics? No! But maybe sitting in the evening sharing wine or a cocktail would aid in our communication and time together. On the way to Specs I passed a Hobby Lobby and decided to stop to get Easter Cards and bags for my goodies. When I came out...OMG!...my damn truck would not start! Dead as a door nail! I can tell you I hate car trouble. Long other story but I hate it so bad that I could leave the keys in the car and walk away.

I didn't. I called Mark and told him he had about 5 minutes to come and jump the damn thing or I would leave it. He takes me very serious and since he loves my truck he said to me "Don't go anywhere I'm going to grab a charge box and tell Ken and I'm on my way". Of course, it took him more than 5 minutes but he did get it started and he followed me home. So much for getting my errands ran. After work he went to Costco bought a battery and came and got me and we went out for dinner and when we got home he installed the battery and all is well with the truck.

Mike called when I had gotten home and I told him what had happened and he lost it! He told me that if it had been him he would have told me "Have fun getting the truck fixed." and gone about his day. He couldn't believe that Mark jumped for me. I got the Mikey lecture about how he wouldn't put up with this and that and the other and at one point when he came up for air I said to him "That is why I'm not married to you! nor would I want to be! That is exactly why I'm married to Mark because he doesn't have that cocky behavior!" Of course Mike tried to have the last say and I just ignored him.

Once we got home from eating out I watched some TV and had some coffee. I ended up calling it a early night. I was exhausted.

Year 3, Day 111

2010-03-29T23:44:00.008-05:00

I woke up today still feeling like I just needed to make plans on leaving. I feel so hopeless and I'm wondering how Mark really feels about me. I got up before him and came to the media room and got on my lap top. He finally got up and came in here and I shared with him where my head was. I told him that I couldn't get out of my head my plans to leave him. Well, today he doesn't want me to leave...What The Hell? We had a heavy conversation about yesterday and he kept telling me that he didn't want me to leave. He just wants me to stop biting at him. He doesn't understand that I don't think that I am biting and like I said yesterday if I'm doing what my Mom does to my Dad I just want to die! I hate the way she does my Dad. HATE IT! She never has anything nice to say to him. When they are up here I am constantly having to tell her to stop it and leave him alone. The poor man can't hardly even eat a meal with her having something to say! Please tell me that I'm not doing this!!!! My head hurts and I'm so confused. He told me if I bit at him one more time he would leave me. I'm thinking "Do I really want to risk saying something that would send him packing?" Hell No! I like my idea of sneaking up on him and leaving him a note saying "Have A Nice Life!"

As I sat there just clicking around from website to website, to the blog and all around a big huge realization came over me...

I HAD NOT RUN TO THE FOOD...I HAD NOT BLOWN THE PROGRAM...I HAD NO THOUGHTS ABOUT DOING SO...FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, LIFE WENT ON AND THE FOOD STAYED WHERE IT NEEDED TO BE. OMG!

I got up and went back into the bedroom and said to Mark. "When was the last time that we had a major happening in our relationship that I wasn't telling you "Order the extra large pizza" or "Let's go to Molina's tonight", Hey can we stop by the store because I'm in the mood for some Reese's Peanut Butter cups and while we are there I think that I'll also pick up some Kisses with Almonds and some Hugs"...When was the last time that the next day I wasn't in the car going to Whataburger and buying 5 taquitos and then going to Luther's at lunch and ordering a rib plate, a combination plan and ordering a stuffed baked potato and then that night saying that I wanted mexican food again?" "Do you remember?" Before he had a chance to answer me I told him...I just realized how much work Mike has successfully done on my head. I realize that even though I've lost only 30 lbs in the last year that I've lost 100 lbs in my head! I stood there and started crying about all the realizations that had gone on in the last 24 hours. I was in control of the food. I had no wild ideas. My head could not go there. I didn't want it. I didn't want to do it. I was simply upset at the circumstances and situation but I wasn't trying to kill myself over it.

THIS IS HUGE!

Mark stood there and tears started coming down his face when he thought and realized all that I said was right! He said "Man, I guess we do owe Mike alot!" "How do you feel right now? Do you want to just go and eat?" I told him 'No, I couldn't try to do the things I use to. My mind can no longer wrap itself around that kind of behavior" He grabbed me and we both cried. He told me again that he did want to end the marriage and that he didn't want me to leave. He told me "We'll get through this. we always do." He finished getting ready for work and left.

I was suppose to be at Karen's this morning to spend the day with her. I was glad that I was going to be able to get out of the house. I was suppose to leave our house at 9:00 as I promised her that I would be up there around 10:00. My friend Bobbie called and we talked all about yesterday and my realization of this morning. We talked too long! Does that surprise you? I got off the phone and I was running around here like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get ready and get out of here. It was already 9:45!

About that time, Mike called which was unusual for a Monday. We chatted about how things were going as far as managing my points and such. Then I told him that I had something bad to share with him but I have to share the bad stuff so that he would be happy about the good stuff. I told him the story. By the time I got to the end I was choked up pretty good and it seemed like Mike was in shock as he was so soft spoken and yet so excited. He proceeded to tell me how far I have come and that I had done alot of good work but that we still had a long way to go. He was happy about it all and asked me how I was feeling for today. I told him that I didn't feel any different in the area of food that I was calm just shocked about it all. We talked a little bit more about it and then he got off the phone because he was where he needed to be to do his meeting and we agreed to talk later.

I finished getting dressed and I headed for Karen's calling her on the cell as I left. She was so understanding and told me that she would be ready when I got there. Once I got up there and picked her up we went look at Randall's for those Manischewitz Chocolate Macaroons. No luck. We then headed for Chili's for lunch. I ordered their Salmon and it was the best ever! I enjoyed it so much. Spent more points than I really wanted but Mark and I had already planned on going to Applebee's for dinner.

Karen and I did some shopping and went to Lifeway Christian Book Store. She had some bible study materials to get to share with a friend so I took a look around at the self help section. I found a book written by Julie Hadden from Season 4 of the Biggest Loser. I flipped through it and it just grabbed my spirit. i had to have the book so I bought it. I also bought another book of prayers in regards to weight loss written by Sherrie Rose Sheppard who I love!

After we got through at Lifeway we went to Sally's Beauty Supply where Karen had some things to pick up and then we decided to blow off Sam's and go on to Barnes and Noble where I wanted to get a hard copy of Jillian Michaels book that I have on my iPhone Kindle App. They had 1 copy left. We then went through Chick-Fil-A for a diet lemonade and then I took her home and started the long road home. I had a good day and after yesterday I needed to have one.

When I got home I fed the boys and then Mark came and picked me up and we went to Applebee's for dinner. We had a really good dinner and our conversation was less tense and I was happy about it but I still feel afraid to say much to him. I still feel threatened.

We came home and watched some TV and had some coffee and a whole lot was not said the rest of the evening. I was tired and I'm telling you my head hurt! BAD!

Year 3, Day 110

2010-03-28T23:57:00.001-05:00

I hate to say this but I'm getting where I hate writing this blog! I hate it because I hate what is going on in my life right now. I hate where I am on this journey. I hate the point level that I'm at...and this morning Mark gave me such a blow...I HATE LIFE!

Things seemed to be fine when we got up and had coffee and watched some TV. I made us some steel cut oats for breakfast and we mixed in fresh blueberries. I don't know what happened or what I said exactly but we were talking about all these changes we are doing to our landscaping and it seemed to me that Mark was repeating something that we already had words about and something that I disagreed with and I must have raised my voice or hit him the wrong way and he jumped up and started walking out of the media room and he turns and says to me "You jump at me one more time and I'm out of here. I will leave you and file for divorce." Well, he might as well just loaded a gun and shot me. He kept going off saying the same thing but in different ways and saying stuff like you had better understand what I'm saying. He has never talked to me this way. He is always saying that I bite at him. I guess I just really don't realize that I even do it or how much I do it or whatever it is that I say that it makes him feel this way. I just hate having discussions over and over and making a decision and then he brings it back up. It would make anyone lose their patience...wouldn't it?

He went outside to finish planting the plants that we bought and to pull some more weeds. I was in such a state of shock I started having wild thoughts. One thought I had was that maybe we needed to separate for a while. I walked outside and asked him if he would like to separate for awhile. Right now I don't remember what he said but he finished with I don't want to you to leave I just want you to stop biting at me. I remember not having much to say, but I came back into the house and thought about maybe it is time for me to get the house put together (totally), go and find a good paying job and just walk away. Let him have it all. All the belongings in the house except for a few things, he'd have to keep the debt and I would just file for a divorce and let him keep all of his retirement, the house, the debt and take no money just leave and start over.

I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head all day long. Maybe it is over. I don't know. I know that I am like my mother who likes to bitch and bite and I hate it about myself. Why do we have to be like our parents? Is it because it is what we grow up and learn to emulate what we see and are around or is it in our genes? What in the hell is it? I do see my mother bitch at my dad all the time, the poor man can't hardly do anything right or that pleases her. This is my perception anyway. I'm telling you if that is what I'm turning into I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to be like her in this way. I don't want a dual personality like I see her having. I don't want it and OMG will someone save me from being like this.

It takes a lot of guts to put all of this out here because my parents can read this at any time and my Dad frets and he usually reads it first and I risk my mother hearing me say such things. I love my parents, I do think that they are good parents. I also realize that we all have our faults and are not perfect human beings. But you know this blog is my journey. It is about learning about myself, it is about losing 263 lbs. It is about ugliness. Isn't that how people get better. I know that all of this is out on the web and I have many friends who read this but like so many of my friends say "It is what it is"! This is what is going on in my world right now and I need to let it out and vent about it. My feelings are... who gives a shit that this is out on the web and anyone can read it. The thing is I don't have to know and I don't have to hear their thoughts. I am probably the most screwed up person on the face of the planet but I'm not going to stop writing about what is going on with me.

Mark continued to work out in the yard and my mind couldn't quit thinking about just calling it quits. My mind kept scheming to get a job and leave him a note to come home to. I didn't want to talk to him. I was in shock as to what he said to me. I was screwed up! I decided to get dressed before he came him to clean up. Our plans were to go and have our weekly pizza and to go to Costco.

Mark came in, cleaned up and off we went. Nothing was being said. I was scared to death to open my mouth. We rode in silence all the way to Brothers. We went in and Mark ordered our pizza and I got the cheese and peppers and sat down and got our salad dressing out of my cooler bag. He came and sat down and started trying to make small talk. I got the feeling that he had already forgotten what he had said to me. I hadn't and I was pissed! While we were waiting for pizza, Mike calls as I had texted him about picking up a large cooler bag for him. He said that he and his sweetie were having Brother's and going to Costco so maybe we would meet up. Oh Boy, I sure didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood for anything. We finished our pizza and went on to Costco. While we were in Costco we ran into Mike. We talked some and I directed him to where he could find the coolers. The tension was lessening some with Mark but my mind was still making plans to just get the hell out of here.

When we got home Mark went back outside to work in the yard and I just sat and thought, pondered, surfed the web, wondered what was going to happen, wondered if we were going to make it through this crap this time. I wasn't holding out any hope. Mark fixed us a sandwich for dinner and he pretty much watched TV and dozed and I watched TV and pondered.

What a day! I'm so depressed, upset, hurt and the list goes on. Bottom line...

I don't want to live anymore!

Year 3, Day 109

2010-03-27T23:20:00.002-05:00

I got up this morning at 4:30 cause I needed to wash and dry my hair. Got that done and started getting ready for the meeting. I was feeling awful. Didn't want to even see Mike. Didn't want to go to the meeting, didn't care, thought strongly about throwing in the towel, biting the bullet and walking away and start the search for another meeting.

I knew better than that but that is how I felt. I was teary I hated the tension that I was feeling. In spite of getting up early to go to the meeting I was late getting out the door. On the way to the meeting I got teary and told Mark how much I hated the way that I felt. Of course he didn't have alot to say. He never does. I really don't think that he understands what this is all like, dealing the realization of having a food addiction, facing and working hard at losing at least 268 lbs, the emotions of it all. Frankly the way that I feel is that he doesn't care or he really doesn't want to try and understand it. It is what it is.

We got to the church and went upstairs and stood in line to check in. I heard Mike coming down the hall talking and I just wanted to die. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to vaporize. He walked by and put his hand on my shoulder squeezed it and said "Good Morning" as he walked by to go and do something. I could hear him talking behind me and I just stood there waiting for my turn to weigh in. I wasn't excited or even cared. I was in a real bad funk. I weighed in with Sandy and when she told me that I lost 3.2 lbs I actually had no reaction. I hate being at 25 points a day and 20 flex a week. I'm hungry and I'm miserable. Now my fear was..."What is Mike going to say and do?" Sandy tried to get a reaction out of me and I just couldn't get excited. I didn't even wait for Mark to finish, I just walked to the meeting room and sat down and started reading the weekly hand-out.

Mike came in and started the meeting and I listened and I enjoyed listening to people talk about their plateaus, hanging in there and I needed to hear that they all WOULD NOT QUIT. That was how I was feeling was QUITTING. After the Meeting I grabbed my journal as he had me also counting calories this week and my weigh-in book and I walked up to him and handed him the weigh-in book and he started flipping to the back. When he saw what I had done he was really happy and excited and said great and at the same time grabbed me and hugged me. I could hardly talk. I asked him if he wanted to see the calorie count and he said No. My thought was so "Why in the hell did you want me to do it?" I let it go and said to him "So what is my next assignment?" He said "Do the same thing this week" and I asked him "Count the calories too?" and his response was "Do exactly the same thing" I then told him that I had Bonnie's cookies in the car and if he would give me the keys to his truck I would put them in there for him as he had some new members needed program explanation. He said "No I can walk down there and get them." So he told the new members not to leave that he would be right back. Mark and I walked out and someone else caught Mike who needed to talk. We went to catch the elevator and Mike and this guy walked passed us to go down the stairs.

When we got down stairs they were still talking so I went to the car to get the stuff and I put my purse in the car and got things situated to go to breakfast. He came walking over and I went over and handed him the stuff. He asked me "What is all of this?" I told him that it was Bonnie's cookies, the 2 movies that I told him that we would loan him and I shared with him the new chicken sausage that I found at Sam's along with some Baby-Bel cheese. He grabbed me and hugged me again and told me "We'll always be friends. Don't worry about it, once you are my friend, you really have to fuck up before I walk away and I can tell you that I won't." I looked at him and said "You don't understand that I can fuck things up. I seem to be able to do that alot in my life." and he said to me again. You can't fuck this one up. I then looked him in the eyes and asked him if he forgave me and he said 'Always" and then I said to him "Come here" and I gave him a big hug and told him Thank you. He walked up saying "I'll talk to you later."

I got in the car and Mark drove towards Cracker Barrel and I called my Dad to give him my weight-loss report. I'm still not excited about it for some reason. I guess because I hate the thought of staying at 25 points per day and only 20 flex points. It scares the hell out of me because if this is where I need to be then where am I going to end up 140 lbs from now? 8 points a day? OMG!

Mark and I had breakfast and then we went to Fry's to look at Netbooks. I want one to help me get this blog transferred back to the website. I'm going to have to re-type nearly every entry on the website and edit and fix all the pictures to get them back into the blog. Then I'm not sure if I will have to re-type everything that I have done here on blogger or copying and pasting will work from here back to Webs. It is a mess.

We found a Toshiba for $349 but they didn't have the color that I wanted. I also talked to them about my laptop which is starting to give me alot of problems. We have a service agreement on it and the salesperson told me that it sounded like it needed to be gone through. He told me that their turn-around time on checking out my key-board and finding out why it keeps locking up on me would be about 2 days. I can live with that. So I think next Saturday I am going to take this thing in and get some work done on it while it won't cost me anything.

Mark wanted to see what kind of price they had on Sandra Bullocks movie Blind side and I want to find Julian Michael's book in a hard copy. I have it on my Kindle App on my phone but the book is so good that I want to mark it and refer back to it as I feel like she really has alot of good ideas that could help me on this journey. I went off looking for the books which I never found but what I did find was a 3 CD collection of all the Rolling Stones Hits! OMG! I had to have it. Mark doesn't really care for the Stones but I love them. I was so happy to find something that had it all! He agreed to let me spend the money on it.

After Fry's we went to Houston Garden Center to look at plants because we need to replace some plants in our flower beds and I want to add color. We picked up some little plants that are either a dark purple or black. They have the tiniest little deep purple blooms. We also bought some gorgeous caladiums that have a dark green edge and the darkest burgundy color on the inside. They are not like usual caladiums as they don't show any vein color. We walked the whole center thinking about other things that we can add to or replace in the yard.

Since we were in Mark's car we were limited to how much we could buy. We came home and dropped off what we bought and decided to go and rive through some neighborhoods and get some ideas of other plants with color and what everyone else is doing. Neither one of us has ever been interested in sprucing up the yard. We went and grabbed a sandwich from Schlotzsky's and went driving around.

While we were out Mike called and wanted to know why I was pouty this morning. He said that the "girls" (meaning Sandy) said that I was pouty and wasn't very excited about the weight loss. I told him that I was happy about it. He told me that was what he told them. I made the mistake about mentioning that I hated being at 25 points and he jumped at me and told me to do what I wanted. OMG! I told him that I knew that I should have kept my mouth shut. I told him that I would do it but it was hard. I got lectured about it not being that hard that he could do it easily. I told him it was hard because I flew by the seat of my pants last week thinking it was easy and for me that wasn't. I told him all that I was trying to say was that I was going to need to plan better this week. I told him that I needed to make some 0 Point soup and really look at some low point meals.

I told him about the Rolling Stone CD set that I found and that I was looking at Netbooks. He is such a electronics techie. He told me that I should hold off and see what all the iPad will do. He said that he has heard that Apple is working on a full size external keyboard for it. He said that he knows that it has wi-fi capabilities and that getting one of those may be the way to go. I have been waiting for that to come out because I wouldn't mind have a electronic reader and I knew that the iPad is going to do alot of other things. He then told me that he needed to call Sandy because she was so tired he was worried that she wasn't going to make it home.

Mark and I went to a few more subdivisions and then came home and he got busy pulling weeds and getting the bed ready to plant what we had bought. I stood out there for a bit and pulled up some plants that we lost to the freezes that we had this year and I pulled some weeds. Mark wanted me to place the purple plants and then I came back in to start working on a menu plan and to figure out dinner.

I fixed dinner and we watched some TV. I got so sleepy that I didn't get this written nor did I finish the menu for the week like I promised. I promise that I will get it finished tomorrow and it will be posted with tomorrow's blog.

Say some prayers that I can hang in there. I hate my points being this low. Oh yes, I nearly forgot...Mike only wants me to work out 3 times this week. Won't net me alot of AP's either as he only wants me to eat half of them.

Thanks for listening! Thanks for pulling for me. I need all the warm thoughts and hugs I can get right now. I feel like this is really going to start to be HARD!

Year 3, Day 108

2010-03-26T23:14:00.001-05:00

...I live in fear of losing Mike's help. I'm scared to death that I can't lose this weight without of help because my weight always does what it is doing right now...STOPS! I know that my fucked up personality drives everyone crazy but you know I was born like this, it is who I am, I don't know or understand why I do the things I do there are just times that I wish so badly that I was DEAD, NEVER BORN, I WOULD LIKE TO EVAPORATE AND FALL FROM EVERY ONE'S MEMORY OF WHAT A SCREWED UP PERSON THAT HAVE HAD THAT TOUCHED THEIR LIFE!

I have alot of faith and trust in Mike. I know that most of you don't know him, have not seem him in action, listened to him talk. The man knows his stuff and I've seen results over the last nearly 6 years. From the first time I sat in his meeting I knew that he was going to be the person who would be able to get me to goal. He is very intelligent and smart. I can't really even describe him but I can tell you that it is a total honor to have someone like him to be a part of my life but more importantly a part of this journey. If I lose this I'm sunk-ed!

It really bothered me what he texted back and it nearly sent me over the edge when less than 5 minutes later he would not answer his cell and even talk about it. I cried till I couldn't cry any more. I thought about what would it be like to try to do this totally on my own and I just can't deal with it. Too much dependency on him...HELL YES! DO I LIKE FEELING THIS WAY? HELL NO! It is really showing me that my head is really fucked up!

I could not sleep. I could not calm my nerves down enough nor could I get my mind from thinking over every scenario that I could about what was going on with Mike, was he sick and tired of me. Did he really not get the text nor hear his phone ring? The longer I pondered over everything the more that I couldn't sleep.

I opened a Word Document and I wrote a letter to Mike explaining how I felt as I had pondered the fact and the recognition of him not yelling at me but being stern and how it makes me feel like I'm be reprimanded (which I acknowledge that I need in learning how to deal with this food addiction). I think that when we are being corrected or reprimanded for a behavior we feel like we are being yelled at and that is why when he goes off in trying to help me I feel like he is yelling and then I tell him things like "I hate you yelling and me" or "Stop yelling at me" and he continuously tells me that he is not yelling, that he understands what I'm going through and on and on...

Once I wrote this letter I wanted to try and email it to me just to get it out on my iPhone and then try to copy and paste the letter in several text messages. I wasn't even sure that it would work of not but I figured it was worth a try. I wanted him to hear what I had to say in hopes that he would understand that I know he isn't yelling at me but correcting me but I feel like I'm in trouble and being reprimanded so I strike back because realizing having to make changes is just hard. It is hard to see what a mess you really are!

I then tried getting my mind off things by deciding to figure out how to have answer tones on my iPhone. I spent hours in the middle of the night listening and finding the songs that I would like as answer tones. I then discovered that your can shuffle them. I sat up and tried to get my mind off of things and to find really cool songs that mean alot to me to be those answer tones.

The next thing I knew it was 5:20 in the morning and Mark comes in and asks me if I slept in my chair. I said "Uh No! I haven't been to bed yet." he asked me why and I lost it. Mark and I talked for a few minutes. We couldn't talk long because he had to go to work. I had an appointment to get my hearing check and to get it injected again. I haven't been doing it and I can tell that my hearing has dropped.

I got Mark off to work and I tried to get my crazy head from thinking. I also got my letter to Mike onto my iPhone and was successful in texting it in sections to him. As that was happening I got a text stating that the last did not go. I didn't realize that it was Mike texting me saying that he wasn't getting it. I just kept texting. Later when he was through with his meetings he texted me saying that I never resent my message. I then realized it was Mike so I texted him and told him that I would try sending it again. This time I got it to go and he finally acknowledged that he thought he had gotten it all.

My friend Bobbie called and we talked a bit and then I had to get out the door for my appointment. Well, do I even need to tell you that I caught hell from my audiologist and my ENT. The hearing has dropped. They injected the ear and I jumped and unfortunately they tore the ear drum a little. No more injections till that closes up. I go back next Tuesday to let them look at it. I got my hearing aid adjusted and Brandi talked to me about going to a different hearing aid. Mine is about 5 years old and technology is better and she thinks that she can get me hearing better and happier in difference situations. She says that what they have been able to do with hearing aids, noise reduction and hearing in crowds has come a long way in 5 years. So...we're look at a couple of thousand dollars. I know that I can just forget it cause we don't have the money. I haven't even said anything to Mark cause it doesn't make any difference.

I got back home and just hoped that I would hear from Mike and that we could talk more. I slept off and on during the afternoon because I was so tired. I never heard from Mike. This was so unusual and of course it was driving my head crazy. It was confirming what I feared. I text him really late in the afternoon and asked him if he got the text. He texted me back and said "I think so" and that was it. Time went on and he still didn't call and my mind was really getting crazy and I was wondering, fretting, worrying what in the hell I was going to do! I started debating about what it would be like to have to change meetings, how to deal with the loss of a great friend. During the evening I texted him and just got bold and asked him walking on my tippy toes. He texted back that Everything was fine. Whew! But then again...

WAS IT?

I stayed up trying to catch up this blog some getting things ready for the meeting tomorrow and trying to get my brain to slow down and to stop running wild with all kinds of crazy stuff. It was about 2:00 when I went to bed.

Year 3, Day 107

2010-03-25T23:40:00.002-05:00

I got up this morning and got Mark off to work and then I should have been getting dressed to go and spend the day with Karen but Bobbie and I got to talking on the phone and the next thing I knew I was going to be late!

I hurried and jumped in the shower, blew off my make-up, jumped into some clothes, packed my little lunch cooler bag of spray butter and some pre-measured salad dressing. I grabbed the big cooler bag for our trip to Sam's and threw all the Blue-Ice pieces that we own in it. I got out the door and texted Karen and told her I was running late and I would be there in 50 minutes! I took off!

I listened to the iPod portion of my eye phone all the way up to the Woodlands. Mike called just before I got to the freeway to shoot up north to Karen's house and he told me that it sounded like I was out and I told him I was going to the Woodlands. He thought that I was going to the Dr. and I told him I was going up to see Karen cause I needed to get out of the house. He asked if I was going shopping and I told him a little and that I needed to go to Sam's. Then he got a call and had to go and I went on to Karen's.

When I got to Karen's she wasn't quite ready to go and her housekeeper was there. She introduced us and she got her things together and we left. We sat out in front of her house talking a bit about being serious about our weight loss< the time we spend on the computer and all the other negative aspects of our lives and how bad we need to change.

I told her that I wanted to check out the Randall's grocery stores in her area because we want to buy some more of the Manischevitz chocolate macaroons that are only made during Passover. Neither one had and Mike had shared with him that he hadn't had any luck in finding any more. I guess I have all that I need and/or were meant to have and I'm o.k. with that.

Karen and I then went to Chili's for lunch and we did really good. We split their Guitless Sirloin Steak and ordered extra sides and a salad. I brought my own dressing and spray butter so it was a great meal. I really need to get use to splitting meals and I can tell you that I was a bit panicked about splitting a 7 oz. sirloin. I was shocked that I was satisified!!!!

We then went to Bed, Bath and Beyond to pick up some more K-Cups and then we went to Sams to check out all that they had. I really wanted to check out their Breakfast items and they sell the best chicken breasts in individual packets and they are only 6 ounces. Perfect for a WW! They also had a chicken sausage that is made by Beeman's for Member's Mark that is Poblano Pepper with Mexican cheese. Cool! A new food to try. They also had Fat-Free Feta Cheese and I they had the new Baby Bel Light Cheese! SCORE! Something else new to try. They also had the Bagel thins. WHen I found the sausages and the Baby Bel cheese I called Mike but he ignored the call for some reason. I didn't leave a message. Karen and I continued to shop. I had also come to the conclusion that I needed to tell him about the Peanut Butter adventure that I had yesterday, especially since we are trying to pin point what could be going on with my metabolic rate. I knew that he needed to know. So it wasn't too long after I called Mike that he called me back and I told him about the sausage, cheese, bagel things and such and of course he didn't want any of it because he claims to not have any freezer space and has to much blah, blah, blah...I then said to him "I need to have a confesstion time later" and he said to me "Start talking" I said to him "Here in the middle of Sam's" and he repeated "Start Talking...What did you do?" I started telling him but only got to the part of telling him that I stuck the knife in the peanut butter before he just went off.

Every time he goes off on me he analyzes (if you can really call it that) what I've done and by the things he says I see huge flaws in myself. Excuses! He always tells me "You need to ask yourself Why? Why do you keep missing this up?" Today I told him I was hungry and the thing that he brought out to me was if I was so hungry that I stuck the knife in the peanut butter then why did I want to take the time to toast the bread. He said if you can't wait to properly fix the food then you need to do something that you can stay in control of and do faster. OMG! I wanted so much to get him to understand that there were no thought processes when that knife went back into the Peanut Butter. NONE! Have you ever caught yourself doing something similar? Anyway he made me so mad because he wouldn't let me finish! He wouldn't let me tell him how I wasn't going to tell him and I decided that I would and that I wasn't even going to count it but ended up counting it and I feel that I was within a point of doing so. OMG it was really bad when he asked me how much I thought I had had and I told him that I figured a safe amount was 10 points worth which is 10 tablespoons which is 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons. OMG the man came unglued!

When Mike and I get into these types of snits I feel like he does nothing but yell at me. The reality is he is being tough and stern on me making me realize the areas that I need to pay attention to and work on. I get that so much! But I keep telling him that I hate him yelling at me and he keeps telling me that he isn't yelling. I don't know why that word comes out of my mouth but that all I can think of that describes how he makes me feel. We kinda argued about him "yelling" and he assured me that he wasn't mad and he wasn't yelling that he understood. He told me that he loved me and I was crying so hard that all I got out was bye.

While he was going off I had sat down on a patio furniture set with Karen. Karen had run into a friend of hers and I sat there talking to Mike trying not to yell or stomp too much. When I get mad I just cry. I started crying. When he hung up I took off down one of the isles where no one was at. I lost it! Karen was running after me and she hugged me and comforted me. She tried talking to me about it but I just couldn't talk! Eventually I was able to talk and we discussed what happened. Of course we discussed it on our way back to her house where I got some Mary Kay products that I am out of and then I left and started my trip back across town. I talked to Bobbie on the way back and told her what happened with Mike. She was furious. She thinks that he controls me and abuses me. I don't he is a psychologist and he just uses his skills on me showing me where I need to work and making me think. Bobbie and I talked all the way home.

When I got home I got pretty teary about it all over again. I was angry but yet I had bits and pieces of our conversations poke up and it was all making me really think about what I did. I'm so far away from getting this right and being able to keep this weight off. I'm a mess!

Mike called before Mark got home to check on me. Again we got into a discussion about his "yelling" We talked the yelling thing through and he told me that we would get through all of this and that he would get me to goal and that we would figure out how to keep me there. Got to love the man!

So Mark brought home dinner and he wasn't too happy with how Mike had me wo worked up. I continued through the evening to think about "his yelling" I finally got the term in my head of what he was doing and it was "Stern". Mike is stern with me and he makes me feel reprimanded and that is why I keep throwin the word "yelling" at him. I started feeling bad so I wanted to explain to him how he made me feel and to tell him that because he reprimands me for the times that I miss things up I realize that I keep throwing the wrong word at him. I texted him asking him if we could talk more about my feelings of feeling like he yells at me. This is what he texted back to me. "I don't yell at you. sorry you feel like that. Sorry if I came across that way. I can't bring myself to say it's OK." OMG! I just freaked out so I grabbed my phone and just about threw my laptop on the floor as I went out of the media room to call him.. He would not answer his phone so I left him a message trying to tralk to him about my realization that he is being stern and was not yelling at me. I then felt like it was late enough that he could have walked away from his phone and/or wouldn't realize that I left a message so I texted him again and said "You are taking this wrong and I hope you will listen to your message. I hope you understandd what I was trying to say a message doesn't give alot of time. Good night. Love you. Thanks for loving me enough to be hard on me. I will never ever tell you, you yell at me."

This all happened around 10:00. Mark went to be shortly after it all and I wanted to try and get the blog updated. The more I thought about things, the more upset I got and then the tears came...

to be continued

Year 3, Day 106

2010-03-24T23:00:00.004-05:00

Behind again...

Not in a very good mental state...

I got Mark off to work and I grabbed some breakfast, packed up the computer, made me a lunch and headed out to my Remicade appointment. I kept telling myself to make sure that I get them to give me half the fluids or whatever it was that Gina told me that they could do.

Of course Mike calls me right as they bring me back to weigh me and do all the preliminary evaluation to make sure I'm healthy enough to get the infusion. I didn't get to see my normal Rheumatologist but I got to see one that I really do like. I talked to her about what was going on with my weight and fluid retention. She told me that a 4-5 lb. fluid retention is normal. I really didn't buy it but I listened because she is the Dr. I'm still concerned that something is wrong with what is going on with me and the weight loss.

This time they did my infusion with half saline which will cut down on so much fluid. With cutting my points so drastically I don't need anything to give us a false weight loss.

I was able to stay awake during the infusion and maybe some of you have noticed that I got more of my food journal caught up. I think that this was the first infusion that I was able to stay awake in.

Mike did call me while I was hooked up and I told him what the Dr. said about fluid retention and he didn't agree with her at all. He told me that he felt like it was a "I don't know answer and/or one that she just didn't know the right answer to". He thinks that 2-3 lbs is a normal fluid retention problem and not what we are seeing in me.

I finished up and got my lab work done and headed home and talked to Bobbie on the way home. She asked me how could she get her 18 points in and I gave her some ideas. I was starving and one of the things that she brought up was having a Better Than Peanut Butter Sandwich. We talked about all kinds of stuff on the way home and once I got home starved as well because I didn't take enough food with me. I grabbed a Bagel Thin and the jar of Better than Peanut Butter out of the refrigerator. I measured out a tablespoon and while waiting for the bagel to finish toasting I took the knife and scooped out some peanut butter. I did it again and then the toaster popped. I put the measured peanut butter on half the bagel and then I measured and did the other half. I went into the media room and ate it. I knew that we were planning to meeting Jimmy at Applebee's and I had some extra points. I decided to have another one. I went and got the bagel thin and popped it in the toaster and got the spatula out because the jar I had was down to having to be scrapped. This time I took the spatula and scraped out the jar and ate it while the bagel thin was toasting. By this time I had to get another jar out of the pantry and once I got it opened I stuck that stinkin spatula in there and ate some then I did not measure what I put on the bagels. If you know the size of a Thomas Bagel Thin then you know that you can't pile it on all that thick. I really believe that I didn't have more than 2 Tablespoons between the two halves. The other bad thing that I did was stuck my coffee spoon in there and ate another bite.

I never once felt bad, never thought why I did it. It happened and the other bad thing was I debated on even trying to figure my points on all of it. I was satisfied with just counting the 2 Bagel Thins and 4 Tablespoons of peanut butter. I even made the decision that I would not tell anyone.

I then got really sleepy and I called Mark and told him to call me when he left the shop to come and get me for dinner. I crashed! Mark called and woke me up and I hadn't fed the boys so I hurried and did all of that and then I got my salad dressing together and grabbed my spray butter and put it in my little cooler bag and freshened up and Mark was home. We had a good time having dinner with Jimmy and then we came home and then...

The guilt hit!

I knew that I was going up to the Woodlands in the morning to spend the day with Karen and I had already planned to use my last 5 remaining Flex Points. The ordeal with the Better Than Peanut Butter ordeal hit me right up side the head and I knew what I had done and I knew that I needed to try to closely figure out what damage I had done and I knew deep down that I needed to make Mike aware of what I had done. I toyed even still with telling him.

Mark and I watched TV and then hit the hay. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I am going to have to be strong...very strong!

Year 3, Day 105

2010-03-23T23:38:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning and decided to weigh. Bad choice! I can't believe at 25 pts per day and only 20 flex points that I could be up 2 lbs since Saturday. What in the hell is going on?????

I had my coffee and got Mark off to work. I knew that Mike was going to call this morning so I waited for him to call. I told him what was going on and he told me that it had to be fluid. There was no way that I could be gaining weight. We talked about me possibly having congestive heart failure and both agreed that wasn't going on because I'm not short on breath and I can move around like an Energizer bunny when I want to and/or need to. Mike decided that he wanted me to also track my calories the rest of the week. I'll do anything to get to the bottom of what is going on! We talked some more about other things not related to WW and he said that he would call me this afternoon to check on me. He told me to stay out of the kitchen. He told me that he knows that this is hard but we need to do it so that we can get to the bottom of this. Oh yea, he asked me if I was working out and I told him that I had thought about it and reminded him that I don't mind exercising but that I feared that we would not get a clear picture of what is going on with my base metabolic rate and he agreed. So until we see what is going on at this level and/or figure out exactly where my points need to be in order to have the proper weight loss then I'm not going to work out. That can be phase II...figuring out my actual activity points.

Tomorrow, my friend Rhonda is having a double knee replacement. Please keep her in your prayers. She has a close friend staying with her and has agreed to stay through her recovery. Her mother is also there. She is one brave woman to do both at the same time. I saw what my friend Karen went through and just knowing what she went through for months has scared the jeebies out of me with Mark's upcoming knee replacement. I can't imagine what is in store for Rhonda but I pray she has a very successful surgery and a quick recovery!

I worked most of the day on figuring out my calories for the week. Boy Mike has it nailed as far as knowing how many calories can be in a point. By the time he called this afternoon we went over what I have figured so far and we agree on the calories that I had to figure in regards to the eating out that I have done. Now to track the rest of the week. When I get up to this week on my Food Journal I will also post the total calorie count for the day. You will be surprised.

I hate this because I'm so point oriented. I have never worried about calories because I have felt that is WW's problem. I hate seeing how many calories 25 points really represents. I don't want to do this for long. I'm really hoping when we talk tomorrow that he will be satisfied that I have counted enough. I don't want to miss up my thoughts in regards to the point system. I love POINTS!

Tonight I made my own version of General Tso's Chicken. I was shocked when I figured out the points and calories. I just weighed veggies and made the sauce as stated in the recipe only adding more red pepper flakes because we love spicy Chinese! I just about messed up the day by not figuring it all out before I ate it! Live and learn. I had 1 point left over after I figured it all so I was able to have a little dessert this evening.

Mark and I watched LOST which was soooo goooood! LOVED IT! This show is so outstanding and if you never have watched it you have really missed out. I can't wait to own the whole series on Blu-Ray later this summer. We still have it on our Netflix streaming menu and we have recorded all of this season. We both want to sit down and watch it all over again! When we got through with LOST we watched The Biggest Loser. Too much to keep up with right now! LOL!

Well tomorrow is Remicade. A very long tiring day for me. I hope to catch Mike's meeting tomorrow night but will have to see how I feel. Usually it is hard enough to make it home. I just want to sleep.

So...you have it...my boring day! Well, I shouldn't really say that but I had no excitement! I'll get through this stage of the journey. My prayer is once we figure out where I need to be that the journey will be fun again. Right now...not so much.

Stay strong!

Year 3, Day 104

2010-03-22T23:06:00.002-05:00

Boy was I ever on a rant yesterday...

My mind is still as full and I'm still a bit where I was but I will try not to go off today. I just have to be honest.

I ended up changing my Remicade treatment because my stomach seemed to be quite upset and I couldn't stay out of the bathroom. I did alot of thinking yesterday and I did work a little on catching up my food journal. I will try to get that all caught up in the next few days.

I hate being at 25 points. I hate it! But one thing that I realized today was I'm still eating more food than I did when I had the Molina band. Yes, I could eat alot and get past it but when I ate the kinds of foods that I eat now I couldn't eat squat! That is why I resorted to baked potatoes, bags of Reese's PB Cups, M&M's, home-made pimento cheese, queso dip, chips, crackers, soups and chili and mexican food. If I tried to eat a sandwich, chicken, steak etc. it would just come up. So do I need to say more as to how I ate?

Anyway (getting off subject) I feel so restricted and this feels so much like a diet right now. It is amazing what 7 points can do for you! At this level I literally have to 1 point this program to death to stay happy with the quantity of food! So what does this say to me?

I AM A FOOD ADDICT IN THE WORSE FORM!

I have felt panicked at 25 points. What in the hell am I going to do at maintenance. I had better really start working on this head and quit fighting Mike so much.

"Eat for the body you want...not for the body you have"

"No, you can't have 3 of anything, 2 at the most, if you are still hungry find something else to eat. You have to learn that you can't eat a whole pizza because when you get to goal you will relate eating a whole pizza when you have it and the reality is you can't. So only 2 of anything"

I hear you Mike and I'm starting to understand! I'm such a mess!

These were my thoughts most of the days or at least I can say it was the jest of my thoughts. Mark had to work a little late but since I had 16 points at dinner, he brought home Luby's. It did cost me about 3 flex points this evening but I still have 6 or so still in tact.

We had bought the movie "The Hurt Locker" on Saturday at Costco and planned on watching it tonight. It was a great movie! I want to see it again, mainly because Mike called toward the end of it. I didn't hear from him all day and since I knew that we were going to watch a movie I texted him and told him that I was managing my points and things were going well. I also told him that we were going to watch "The Hurt Locker". In the middle of the movie we stopped it to have a cup of coffee and a couple of the chocolate macaroons that we've been enjoying and I texted him again telling him that we were taking a break to get some coffee and the movie was great and that I would lend it to him if he wanted to see it. We got back to watching the movie and that booger called! When I answered he asked "Are you watching Lost?" I told him Lost wasn't on and then he asked me about another show and I told him we were watching the movie. I ended up getting up and leaving the room because I wanted to talk to him about how the obesity shows stirred my pot. We talked about it sum. He hates gastric surgery as much as I do so it was a heated conversation not at each other but just because of the topic. He ended up getting a call from his "sweetie" and had to go. He said that we would continue our talk in the morning.

Mark was kind enough to back up the movie and I got to finish it but you know how it is when you stop and lose your focus. I just want to see it again. After the movie, Mark fed the boys and he went to bed and I'm up writing and I'm not sleepy yet. I do want to get started on getting some plans ready for the rest of this week's meal and work on next weeks since I promised I would post our dinner menu.

So...I'm hanging in here, not happy, realizing what a mess I really am, yet determined to win this battle. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! I WILL NOT!

So...you'll have to keep coming out here and read my boring journey and put up with my whining because I'm keeping on keeping on and if you want to share you'll have to put up with it! LOL!

Stay strong and keep doing what is working for you! If it isn't working fix it! I'm serious!

In my life, a casket isn't an option!

Year 3, Day 103

2010-03-21T23:37:00.002-05:00

We really had a laid back day. We both slept in which is way unusual. Mark got up and fed the boys and came back to bed. I woke up at 7:30 and got up and let him sleep and he got up about 8:30. We had coffee, watched TV, picked out some music for the iPods, paid bills, washed clothes, ran dishwasher...get my drift...laid back!

Mark got out and ran some errands. He went to both banks to make deposits, picked up a few groceries and picked up our pizza from Brother's. I stayed home and did some things around the house, talked to Mike and made us salads to go with our pizza.

The afternoon we spent watching Discovery Health and seeing the shows on extreme obesity. I cried through most of them because it took me back to my 468 lb days and really showed me who I really am and if I hadn't had the surgery when I did I wouldn't be here today. I would have eaten myself to death. The band actually taught me how little food one has to have in order to sustain life. Please don't get me wrong. I HATE GASTRIC SURGERY OF ANY KIND!!!! NOW THAT I AM DEAF, HOW MY HEALTH WENT TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET SUFFERING WITH ANEMIA AND I'M NOT REAL SURE THAT WASN'T WHAT STARTED UP THE PROBLEMS IN THE COLON! Sorry to yell! I had to! My anemia was so bad from NOT eating right taking liquid iron for months didn't correct the problem. They ended up having to give me an iron IV. Boy I remember how that IV woke myself up to just how bad I felt, how little energy I really had.

You can't eat properly with such a restriction on your stomach as the banding, lap-band and gastric by-pass surgery leaves you. EVERYONE learns how to get around and it takes unhealthy food to do it! TRUST ME!!!! I lived with a band from August 1993 until September 2005!!!!! If you are considering gastric surgery people that these Dr.'s put you in touch with are people who are in the honeymoon phase of living with their decision. There are not people around that have lived with it for 5 or more years! That is who you need to talk to who has chosen to take this step.

UNTIL YOU FIX YOUR HEAD, UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION, AND YOU WORK ON CHANGING THAT ASPECT OF YOUR LIVE YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP THE WEIGHT OFF. Did you hear me? I didn't say that you couldn't lose your weight. I SAID YOU CAN'T KEEP IT OFF!

The shows that I watched today were people who weighed over 550 lbs and 2 of them were over 800 lbs and one as over 1,000 lbs!!!!!! Guys, we are in trouble in this country. Real trouble! Our kids and grand kids are in trouble if we all don't learn how to eat and what our bodies really need. We need to teach these kids!!!!!

All of us start out with needing to lose 10, 20, 30, 40 or 50 lbs. If we don't catch it at this level we can bat an eye and it becomes 75, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300, 350, 400 lbs that we need to lose. One show that I watched yesterday was a 29 year old Mom of one who weighed over 800 lbs. You heard me! She was obese as a child. She was born in 1977 and she suffered with being over weight her entire life. She was in a car accident which left her bedridden and before she knew it she couldn't care for herself or her child. She was on the web daily trying to find a Dr. who would do gastric surgery on her and no one would even talk to her about it because of the risks involved being her size. I be damn if she didn't find a hospital and a group of Dr.'s here in Houston, Texas to do the surgery! She got TV coverage because of her passion of wanting to help others in her same circumstance. She made it through the surgery and she was about 2 weeks out and the Dr.'s said that she was doing great! All of a sudden she died of cardiac arrest. They showed her daughter heart broken over her mother, they showed her casket which was a triple wide. Her burial plot was the same. They had to move the casket with a crane. It was the saddest yet sickest thing I had ever seen in my life. Her child was overweight also.

This was one show. Then last night I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on ABC and I got so grossed out over the family that he is going to help. He cooked up what they ate for a month to give the mother a good look at what she is feeding her kids. All of them were overweight. It was the grossest thing that I've ever seen. It broke my heart to see one of the children say that he wanted to lose his weight and he wanted to learn how to eat. He is also helping a school and it was sick to see the battle that kitchen staff is giving him. This is sad!

A couple of years ago my parents saw a news report on their local station where a reporter interviewed overweight kids and their response "I don't care, I can have by-pass surgery!" What in the world are we teaching our kids????

Enough on all of that. Now to tell you what all of this did for me.

I have been out here playing around with this program by not getting serious about the Healthy Guidelines and also bitching about my points and my weight loss. I eat like crap most of the time. I AM A FOOD ADDICT! I want to beat this monster and I'm so glad that I recorded all of these shows because when I get in my whiny mood I am going to watch them.

Just today when Mike called to check on me around noon and to see if I was managing my points I told him "I'm managing them but I'm not happy. I will make it and I can tell you that I have a great respect for the so call "thin" (in my eyes) people in our class. How they live on 20-25 points a day is beyond me. I can see that I have alot of work to do on my head and I'm starting to understand what you are saying about portions. I don't need 3 or 4 of something. Mike, I have such a long way to go!" He told me "We'll make it" This was before I even watched these shows that I'm telling you about. Just cutting my points since last Wednesday has given me a huge different view on what I get to have. Now I'm scared to death that in order to get this weight loss moving again like it should Mike is going to have to lower my 32 points down to something alot lower. Right now he says he has me on what is a normal maintenance level for women who reach goal. OMG! If 25 points a day is going to be where my actual metabolic rate is today where am I going to be at goal? How can we fix this? I have to leave this up to the my coach MIKE! He has to figure this one out! He will cause he's good!

So...I'll get off my soap box. Please, please, please think about what you are doing. Food is not worth it! It's time to help everyone we know that isn't on a journey who needs to be!!!

One last thing and I'll really shut up. This will be something that all the Baby Boomers can relate to. Mark and I talked about tonight how we all played outside for hours a day. Playing hide and go seek, red rover, hopscotch, riding bikes, running the neighborhood. We didn't want to be inside. We hated it when it rained and we couldn't go out to play. Remember? Think about today...

Also think back to how the grocery stores use to be. They were small. You got the meat from a butcher, there were no frozen veggies, we ate canned or fresh. Pizza and hamburgers were a treat. Eating out was a huge treat. A pound of hamburger fed a family of 4 with left overs. A can of veggies did the same. What has happened? Technology has happened and the fast food industry is killing us! Miss Anti-Cook (me) is going to change right now! PERIOD! END OF SUBJECT! Starting with this coming Saturday blog I will post my dinner menu for the week. I am going to get off my lazy rear and move more and get the recipes caught up on the sight. I want to start with fast meals and crock-pot meals because I know so many of you have to work and time is of essence. We don't have to eat out. We need to plan and make the time to throw things in a crock pot and/or find a healthy meal and turn things around not only for ourselves but for our families.

It is time to change!

Are you with me? I hope so!

Lots to do starting tomorrow...I'm going to bed!

Year 3, Day 102

2010-03-20T23:56:00.006-05:00

Now you catch you up with the happenings of Saturday!

(I hate when I get behind!)

I got up at 4:30 to shower and wash and dry my hair but quickly decided that I would try and make my hair go another day! LOL! I was L - A - Z - Y!!!!!!!!

I climbed back into bed and watched some TV until about 5:00 and then jumped in the shower, got dressed and we headed out for the meeting.

I lost 1.2 lbs!!!!

That is from last week's weight, however it was more like 2 lbs from Wednesday morning when I weighed and Mike and I had the blow out for the week and he jerked me down to 20 points for 2 days and then up to 30 on Friday and took away my 145 flex points.

We went and sat down in the meeting room and visited with our friends and Mike came in to do the meeting on portion control. A lady in our class brought in a new product to share. She bought it at Costco so I don't know if they are available in stores. I assume that they would be but it was a bag of Brown Rice chips. You get 33 chips for 2 points. The chips were round like a half-dollar and very crispy. They would be excellent for salsa and also for dips and such.

After the meeting Mike walked down to the truck with us to give me my 2 blue bags and blue ice and also to get his 4 cans of chocolate macaroons that we picked up for him. When we got on the elevator I told him that I lost 1.2 lbs. I didn't frown or do anything but I guess he read my eyes cause he said to me "Well, that is better than I thought you would do, aren't you happy?" I said yes even though I felt like I deserved more suffering with such low points! When we got off the elevator and walked out the door I asked him "So, what is the plan now?" I should have known that he was going to put his "HORN" hat on and be MEAN! He said "25 points. Flex 20." I grunted and grabbed his arm at the same time and before he had a smart comment to make I said to him "You know I have to bitch!" He said "I know it" He stopped to talk to another member and then came out to the cars. We stood out there and visited about different "non-program" things and then it started to sprinkle so he said good-bye and grabbed my hand and squeezed it and said "I'll talk to you later."

While we were standing out there and discussing the plan for the week I looked at Mark and said to him "I guess this means we can't go to Cracker Barrel." and Mike goes "Why not? You can go you just have to manage your points." He said "go and have a omelet with veggies, no cheese, have a biscuit." He looked sternly at me and said "I said 1 biscuit!" But I told him "If I do Cracker Barrel then I can't do pizza!" He says to me "Yes you can. You have flex." i could tell that if I just didn't agree with him a fight would pursue!

Mark and I did go to Cracker Barrel and I got a veggie omelet with mushrooms, tomatoes and peppers, no cheese, no meat and made with egg beaters. I opted for the hash brown casserole instead of the biscuit because I felt since they were the same points that the potatoes would fill me up more than a biscuit.

While we were eating breakfast, I mentioned that I would love to see Bobbie. It was turning out to be such a ugly day! I know that we were going to work on our office but I really wanted to spend time with Bobbie. Mark said that he didn't have a problem with it so I called Bobbie and told her that we were going to come and see her. I got a Costco list from her since she loves some things from there and doesn't have a membership nor is there a Costco on her side of town. We took off. I got drenched running into the grocery store on the way home. We loaded up the car with what we needed and headed for Costco to pick up what Bobbie wanted. Then it was about an hour drive down to her house. Mike called on the way down there we chatted and he questioned me about breakfast and told me to be strong and manage my points. We talked about whether or not he was going to leave me there and he told me he hoped not but that we were going to figure out where my metabolic rate really was. This is scaring the crap out of me! I'm scared to death having to manage such low points! My head isn't ready for this!

When we got there she had prepared the most yummy condiment tray for sandwiches and we all made sandwiches and ate lunch and visited. We then decided to go shopping and get Bobbie a heart-rate monitor, we all wanted some K-Cups so that meant a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond and then Bobbie wanted some of those chocolate macaroons so we got lost looking for a Randall's (grocery store) to get her some. We finally found one and we bought all that they had! LOL! We headed back to her house where we had some coffee and we made bowls of strawberries and FF Cool Whip and then we headed home.

It was about 9:00 when we got home, so I don't have to tell you how the boys were screaming. We got them fed and Mark made us a Kashi Roasted Vegetable Pizza and we watched some TV and called it a day! A long one!

I know that I said that I would get everything caught up and I didn't but I am working on it! I will get to that food journal of mine. I promise!

Year 3, Day 101

2010-03-19T23:26:00.002-05:00

I love Mark being home. Retirement will be fantastic! I think the most wonderful thing about Mark's and my relationship was that we started out as friends, became best friends and then fell in love. We love being together and love doing things together. Now just ti straighten out this debt mess and get ourselves ready for retirement and hopefully we can do this in the next 7 years. I'd love to see him able to retire at before 65!

We got up this morning and had coffee and breakfast and then he ran to pay the water bill and go to the courthouse to get his temporary handicap tag. I know that will help him so much. Lately he has really gotten sore and tired quickly having to walk so far in packed parking lots. It will be good for him and bad for me because I need to walk!

When he got home I was ready to go and we went to Costco and got what we needed for the week and then we came home and had some lunch and then Mark wanted to work in the yard some because tomorrow the weather is suppose to turn cold again and it is going to rain. We also bought some Encore Azaleas to plant in a small bed on the side of the garage while at Costco and he needed to get those planted. So that is what he did all dang day!

I missed around on the computer, talked to Mike and we talked about the reason why he asked me yesterday about going to the bathroom so much. Of course at first we both were dying laughing because he couldn't remember why he asked me that, but when I told him that he said something about cells and lowering my caloric intake would be like a diuretic it came back to him. A couple of weeks back talked about (in our meeting) about how we all lose weight really well the first couple of weeks of doing program. He talked about how our bodies will store glycogen for energy and when we lower our calories from what our bodies are use to the cells will release the stored glycogen for energy and that also causes us to lose the fluid stored in that cell (water weight). I hope I explained that right because I can't remember what he said word for word but that is the jest of what I understood from him and why he would ask me about how much I was going to the bathroom. I also told him that I felt like I was down since Wednesday and that I was dreading what he was going to decide for the next move in trying to get my weight loss going consistently again. He told me not to worry about it! Yea right Mike! With you I have to worry!

I also took a long nap, I went out to see how long Mark was going to work in the yard and he told me that it wasn't going to be much longer. It was around 5:00 at this time so I came back in and defrosted some of the chicken from our dinner last weekend and put some thought into what veggies I wanted to stir-fry and was ready to start dinner when he came in to clean up.

I then got carried away playing FARKLE on Facebook and then I realized that it was near 8:00 and he wasn't in, we still needed to get Oliver some food and it was the day before weigh-in and I didn't really want to eat late. I was furious! He told me earlier that he wanted to fertilize and plant the azaleas and then I found him pulling weeds in the flower beds when he said he had to mow before he fertilized. The plan was also to work on the office today. I got dressed and stormed out of the house and found him sitting in a lawn chair, drinking a soda and staring into space. He asked me where I was going and I lost it! I yelled at him where I was going and I got into the truck and peeled out of the driveway to go and get Oliver some food and pick up that stinkin Chick-Fil-A for dinner cause I wasn't going to cook at 9:00 when I got back home!

We ate dinner and didn't have alot to say. Mark knew I was upset but as he talked I could tell that he was confused because of daylight savings time. He really thought that it was earlier. I was also deep in thought about tomorrow's weigh-in and wondering if 2 days of 20 points and one day of 30 points would make a weight loss happen. I also was still feeling anxious about what Mike was going to do based on what we saw at the scale this week.

Mark went to bed before me and I stayed up and listened to one of Kim Bensen's on-line meeting archives. The one I watched was on doing the program 100%. It was really good. She really talked about BLT's (bites, licks and tastes) and falling off the wagon, why it happens, how to get back on and how not to bet yourself up. It was really good. I really enjoy watching her meeting archives. Some are better than others but I feel like my $14.95 a month is well worth it. It is a great run to when you feel yourself slipping or if you need a boost. I would never replace my meeting for something like this but I do like it as an enhancement. The meeting that I watched tonight really gave me some things to think about in my own journey and to be more careful with and such. Mainly being very accurate with weighing and measuring and watching the BLT's!

Well, it's late and I do have to get up early. I'm going to close this here and get some shut eye. I wonder what tomorrow is going to bring. I know that tomorrow will be a busy day as we want to hit the office hard!

Year 3, Day 100

2010-03-18T23:34:00.002-05:00

This is the 3rd year that this day flips me out! There is something about Year ?? Day 100! That means that I have 265 to get some serious weight loss going for the year. I hate where I'm at but I'm sure you all are sick of my whining.

Today Mark and I got up and had breakfast, finished getting our tax stuff together, showered and headed out for his Dr.'s appointment. I don't know what is going on with me but I got car sick on our drive to the Galleria area here in Houston. I thought I was going to throw up all over the place. I haven't been car sick in a long time. What is going on?

While we were waiting to get called back to see the Dr. Mark was reading a magazine and I was reading Jillian Michael's' book "Winning by Losing" on the Kindle App on my iPhone. I love that thing. This book is fantastic. I haven't quite made it through the first chapter but I'm telling you this is a book for any body struggling with weight issues, food addictions and emotional eating. She talks about goal setting, journaling, dealing with the emotions that make us want to throw in the towel and eat. Mike has talked about keeping a emotional journal and I've never took him serious. I just didn't know how to get started. I'll explain more about what she has said about in in the next few days. Today I want to share what we found out about Mark.

As you know yesterday was a emotional day for me and Mike and I were at each other's throat and I was really scared that it was going to be the end of his help and his coaching me. It was so tense but he called today while I was reading and just before they called us back and he was a totally different person and we talked some more. He asked me if I had been using the bathroom more and I chuckled and told him yes. He said good. I wish for the life of me I could remember exactly what he said but bottom line he intrigued me with wanting to understand more about what he was saying. He had to go and do a meeting but I was able to tell him that I wanted to talk to him more about it. He agreed to call me back.

Mark and I were finally called back and we got in a room where they had Mark change into a pair of short and they took him for x-rays. The x-rays showed that the outside of his knee joint is bone on bone and the inside still has good spacing but it has a bone spur. Also it showed us that above the area that he is bone on bone there is a bone chip floating around. A pretty good size one at that! The Dr. told us that is the cause of all his swelling. The bad news is that he doesn't qualify for a partial knee replacement because upon examining moving his leg around the Dr. wasn't able to straighten it out. Mark's leg bends outward. He can't put his feet together the bottom half of his leg is so kicked out! The Dr. said if he could shift that leg he could have done a partial.

He further explained to us that the way they do this type of full knee replacement is that they will send Mark for a CT Scan 6 weeks prior to surgery. The Scan will show the Dr. exactly how to shave off both bones and will show the factory how to customize the plates that will replace his joint. Here is the cool thing...this Dr. doesn't cut out the entire joint and replace it with rods and such. This will pretty much be just like a partial but the plates will go across the full bone instead of just being attacked to one side. Cool huh? He will keep his knee cap and the Dr. said that he will spend 3 nights in the hospital because they do rigorous physical therapy during this time and then when they send him home they will send a therapist to our house to continue the therapy for 2 weeks after surgery. He will be on crutches for 2-3 weeks but will be able to return to work in about 10 days. He won't be able to crawl under cars or around cars but he can work. His employer is fixing to have a lift installed so that the estimators will be able to put the cars up on the lift to write their estimates and not have to crawl around anymore. So right now it looks like if we can have surgery on a Thursday or Friday he will only have to take 7 days off from work. Woo Hoo!

The Dr. also told Mark that most likely he will have difficulty getting up and down after the 6 weeks but with time it will continue to get better. He assured us that Mark's knee isn't going to break and that there is not a problem with us waiting to have surgery when it works out the best for his employer. Right now they are entering some of their busiest months. We are looking at starting the journey in mid to late September.

Mark did talk to his boss and his boss told him that he could do it anytime after June. Mark just feels like he really needs to work closely with his employer because the last thing he wants to do is lose his job or put the shop in a bind. He is really busy all the time and this will probably cause his boss to have to do his job. I'm sure for 6 weeks or more I will have to drive him to work and go and pick him up. Luckily he is very close to home! The Dr. also gave him an application to get him a temporary handicap placard for his car. He really has been having a hard time when we have to park a long ways off from where we are going and doing alot of walking. He will get that taken care of tomorrow.

Once we left the Dr.'s we headed for our CPA to drop off our taxes. Boy do we dread to find out how much we are going to owe. It just about makes me sick! We should know in the next few weeks.

Once we got home we fixed some lunch and then we both wanted to close our eyes. We'll we crashed and burned! LOL! I ended up fixing us dinner and we watched some TV and headed for bed.

Mike and I did talk a couple more times today but never got on the subject that I needed to talk to him about. I want to talk about Jillian's book and get him to explain to me why he is so happy that I've been running to the bathroom. When I can get him to explain it, rest assured I will explain it all to you. It's a good thing that Mike and I are close friends. The things that we talk about! OMG! Mark blushes more than I do! LOL!

So today I kept my points at 20 like Mike told me to. I can't wait till tomorrow because he will let me go back up to 30. I'm scared to death as to what he is going to do on Saturday! There is just no telling!

Year 3, Day 99

2010-03-17T23:50:00.003-05:00

What a crazy wild day! OMG!

I got up and got Mark off to work and I sat and caught up on Facebook and with my email and my "Cookies". I drank my coffee and had some breakfast. Around 8:30 I decided to get on the scale and see where my weight was. I felt like it was up! Sure enough it was and I lost it.

I was so upset, I texted Mike and told him that I was going to fast for the next 3 days and the war was on! OMG! Between several text messages with him suggesting that I go down to 20 points, to eat celery and grapefruit I texted him back and said "Why can't I freaking fast?" OMG! No response and I knew that I had infuriated him. I texted him back telling him I'm frustrated and that I would stop the shit. About 30 minutes later he called and as soon as I answered the phone he goes "You can do whatever you want to do. It is your decision. I'm washing my hands of this one." OMG! I freaked out and the war was on.

We argued till he got to his meeting. I at least got him calmed down enough to talk to me. I swear I think that if we had seen each other there would have been a fist fight. I know that I have a tendency to push buttons. Ask my parents and Mark! For the first time I pushed Mike's. The good thing was I didn't cry!

We didn't get anywhere so when we hung up I jumped in the shower and washed my hair. I talked to my friend Bobbie and told her what was going on. I took a look at my Stats page and all kinds of things started popping out at me. Bobbie and I agreed that Mike needed to look at it because we both knew that he just didn't understand my frustration. Bobbie and I hung up and I then I called Mike. He had just gotten out of his meeting and had gotten on the freeway. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about some things that I could see on my Stat page. I couldn't believe it but he agreed to listen to me and he kept quiet till I got finished practically reading it to him and asking him questions. It was back in October that he wanted me to go to the new calculation method of figuring my points. It pushed me up a point. My weight has done freaky things ever since. He told me that he was getting a better picture of what was going on. (Duh!)

I asked him if 7 points would be causing this and he said "No" He told me that 7 points pushed to the limit on calories is only about 700 calories and that would not be causing the weight to do anything. He then talked to me about doing a diabetic plan using points. He said that we would limit my carbs to 45 carbs per meal and told me how to do it and told me to eat 5 times a day. We continued to talk over things trying to figure out a plan and he basically decided this until Saturday. I will keep my points at 20 for today and tomorrow. If I excercise and burn 400 calories he wants me to add 2 AP points. On Friday he wants me to take my points back up to 30 but to stay out of the Restaurants. We'll see where I am on Saturday and I guess he will make his next decision to watch sodium, watch carbs, lower my points or whatever.

I told him how he scared the crap out of me telling me that I was on my own. He told me that he didn't mean it but that I had pissed him off. I knew that. He told me that he was going to see me through and that we would get through this together. He told me that we would get the weight going again if it meant him putting me on a maintenance level. We talked about the Harvard study that he recently talked about at his meetings. He told me that his nearly 12 year experience says that study is bull crap. He believes that people do have metabolic issues and he believes in keeping the metabolism guessing. He said he wasn't going to change. He did say again (he said it at his meeting) that WW was really looking at the study.

We eventually got on to other things and he told me that his Blackberry was acting up. I offered for him to use my old one but then we are on different carriers. He was going to check with his and see if it would work. He is waiting to see if AT&T will lose their contract on the iPhone as that is what he really wants. I called AT&T and they gave me the code and instructions to unlock my Blackberry. I called Mike and left him a message and told him that I would bring it to him tonight.

Mark needed to work a little later tonight because he is going to have the next 4 days off as we ARE going to finish the office and hopefully the media room once and for all! He ended up getting home about the time I was walking out the door to go to Mike's meeting. It was funny...Mark looked at me and said "You don't look very happy." I told him I wasn't. He knew that Mike and I had been fighting all day long. He told me "Don't kill him." LOL! I must had the look of death on my face. I do that alot. He was going to work on getting our taxes together while I was gone. We decided that we would go to Applebee's for dinner. At this point I still had 12 points.

I went to the meeting and it was all about portion control. It was a real good meeting and the weekly reader was really good too. Mike really showed us how we can easily get our points off as much as 30% not being careful weighing and measuring. He talked about using things like the palm of your hand for 3 oz. of meat and showed us how his hand and that of another member is really different. He used the stainless steel spoons and showed us how not scrapping over the top of spoons could very well add up all during the day 30% more calories. SCARY! I've felt like I weigh and measure very accurately but I've been challenged to really look at the portions. Maybe that is a problem. Maybe I'm not being careful enough. I'm really going to stop and take a very close look at my portions and see if this isn't a problem. He talked about how all of us are portioned challenged. "It is who we are!" he said. He also said that being off 30% could stop the weight loss or could cause a gain.

The reader had some good tips but some of them were using your hands and fingers as far as helping yourself when you are out. After the meeting I gave Mike my Blackberry and all the cords and charger since it is a different model than the one he has. Mine is newer. I gave him the code and the instructions on how to unlock it. He told me that his Data Manager wasn't working and asked me if mine was. I told him yes and he told me that he may end up coming over to use it because he has so much information stored on the phone and not on the SIMS card. Whatever.

When I got home I grabbed a Tablespoon to measure dressing for the salad I was planning on having. The weekly reader said that the end of your thumb is the size of a Tablespoon. We'll I could see very plainly that my thumb is only about 1/2 of a Tablespoon. I could see more of what Mike talked about in the meeting. He said that we needed to look more at concrete objects like a tennis ball, deck of cards, etc. I just know that I'm at the place where I'm taking my little scale that I got off of Amazon, taking a measuring cup and measuring spoons in my cooler bag packed with my own dressing and spray butter, sour cream or whatever I may want when eating out. Frankly I don't care what people think. I want to lose this weight and once I do I want to be able to maintain it and I don't care what people think. I have to do what is best for me.

So...I know this was lengthy but I challenge you to take a look at weighing and measuring and thinking about getting you a small cooler bag and packing it and taking it with you when you go out to eat. Tomorrow I will share with you my little bag (camera battery is dead) and where I got it. You will love it and I guarantee you will want to get you one!

So, let's get after double checking what we are doing.

A note to "Not of This World"...thanks for your comment. I may end up looking at carbs. We'll see. I could never give up the freedom that Weight Watchers has given me. It has been hands down the best eating plan that I have ever seen. I can't change. Don't be frustrated. Take a look at what you are doing. Change things up. Most of all eat those flex points. They make a difference. Use them over a 3 day period. If you want to talk to me more. Email me. My address is on my website. Hugs to you!

Year 3, Day 98

2010-03-16T23:12:00.001-05:00

I took it easy today as I didn't want to push this ankle! It is doing better but I need it to be 100% before I start pushing it again It was still a little sore this morning but as the day wore on it got better! YEA!

I pretty much just kept my feet up and I napped, watched TV, read blogs, searched the web for some weight loss sites to give myself some encouragement. I keep finding the same old sites and I'd like to find something new. Mike called this morning and laughed and joked around and he called in the afternoon to see how I was doing and I told him that I was managing my points but my head just wanted to eat! He gave me his "Get out of the house!" I didn't want to so I just fought.

I really don't know what the deal is. I've just lost interest big time! Honestly with what my weight has been doing I just don't give a shit any more! This is so dangerous. If I don't figure how to turn this around I could be headed for trouble! I know that there is no use to trying to talk to Mike about it all cause he will just start yelling about buying a casket, being dead and things that just don't help. That doesn't work for me for some reason. Maybe because he has used it for so long. I know that he is right. Obesity kills and I've been obese for way too long. You'd think with the suffering that I've just gone through with my ankle would shake my world but the reality is that it hasn't. What is wrong?!!!!!

Do you all have any suggestions for me to get my excitement back? How do I make this all new again. How do I get this weight going again? I'm just so blah about everything. I know lately I've accepted just staying within my points but at least I'm doing that. I think that it is habit and so that is a good thing but I want to be excited about it all again. I need to get below 286 lbs!

I did cook a good dinner tonight. I re-heated what I fixed Saturday night by shredding the left over chicken and taking the sauce and adding some more Chili Garlic sauce to it to get it alot more spicy. I heated up the rice and I made the veggie recipe that was in the Weekly Reader from 2 weeks ago with Sugar Snap Peas, Scallions and Carrots. Boy was it ever good. I could eat that every single day! Dinner was so good, I just may repeat it again tomorrow.

Tomorrow Oliver's family are coming to visit him. The kids are on Spring Break and they are missing him (Bless their hearts!) They are suppose to come at 2. Not sure how long they are gong to stay but I am planning to go to Mike's meeting. I just may have to start going to a meeting every single day. I may have to visit other meetings besides Mike's. I'd like to have a nice snack for the kids while they are here but I don't want any temptation. I do have some fresh strawberries so maybe I can offer them some Strawberries and whip cream. I'm really hoping that they will not be here forever! I'm so bad aren't I!

We did watch Lost and watched the review of Flash Forward. I think that we are going to start watching it. It looks interesting. Mike told me a while back that he thinks that this series will be like another Lost. We'll see. I really don't want to see Lost end but I'm sure nobody that is a fan wants it to either. What an awesome series this has been. Can't wait to own it all on Blu-Ray!

Well here is to a better tomorrow. Pray that I hang on! I've got to! Also...I promise to get my food journal caught up tomorrow!

Year 3, Day 97

2010-03-15T23:09:00.001-05:00

Well you are going to have alot to read if you want to catch up. I did write about Friday, Saturday and Sunday so the blog is all caught up. I have some pictures posted from the get-together on Saturday.

Last night I still had a horrible time getting comfortable with my foot and I had to use the walker all night long. It was brutal having to get up at all. I just wanted to cry.

When Mark woke me up I managed to get up and make it to the media room to have some coffee. I also managed to get Mark's lunch made and get him out the door. I grabbed some more coffee wanting to get this blog caught up but just couldn't get any creative juices! So pretty much today I stayed off my foot, played games and watched TV! I struggled with wanting to eat but I'm happy to report that I made it!

Mark brought home Boston Market so that I didn't have to cook. He also picked up some meds for me and went and got a tire leak fixed on my truck. We watched the special on The Bachelor and Mark dozed in his chair.

My ankle has popped a lot today and this evening I'm able to walk without the walker! Yea! So I'm all caught up again except for my food Journal. I will work on it in the morning. It won't take long to catch that up. It's just a matter of copying my journal. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to finish up on the house. Oliver's former family are coming over Wednesday afternoon to visit him. That should be interesting! Stay tuned! Tomorrow has to be a better day!

Year 3, Day 96

2010-03-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

Oh Man...Not good!

During the night when I had to get up to go to the bathroom, I couldn't walk! My right foot hurt so bad I could hardly put any weight on it. I hobbled hanging on to the bed, armoire, walls anything that I could grab. I made it back to bed and I got up 2 more times during the night in horrible pain. When I first got in bed I about never found a comfortable position for that right foot of mine. I knew that I was toast!

Mark let me sleep in because he knew how tired I was and how much I had done. I got up and everyone was sitting in the living room drinking coffee so I joined them. I sat and worked my ankle round and round and round and it seemed to be loosening up some.

Since Mom and Dad had given us the money for our Wii Fit I got up and started it up and showed them how it all worked. I did a little bit of excercise and burned about 217 calories. I shouldn't have done it. I was trying to be careful but my foot and ankle was killing me. After than we all went into the kitchen for some more coffee and bagels.

Dad and Mark ran to get a paper and to Lowe's to get air filters for the house. When they got back they found Mom and I visiting and not doing anything. My mom jumped up and ran and got ready to leave. I loved that they came up on such short notice and it was wonderful getting to surprise my nieces with a visit from them. I wished you all could have seen their faces! It was priceless. We were going to get pictures of their reactions but it just didn't happen. Memories will be forever in all of our heads! LOL!

Mom and Dad got off and Mark and I headed over to Brother's Pizza for our Pizza fix. Mike called to check on me before we could even get out of the driveway. He wanted to know how the dinner went and how my menu was since I cooked out of the new Slow Cooker Book that Weight Watchers just came out with. We talked about it and talked about his bowling. He and his Sweetie were going over to her daughter's house to celebrate her birthday which is Monday. I'll have to get her a card or at least put it in my address book so that I don't miss it next year as I really do like her a lot. She is a real sweet heart and a very beautiful person inside and out.

Something was majorly wrong with my foot as the more I tried to do the more it hurt. Just riding in the car it was hard to get it comfortable and there was alot of pain walking into the restaurant. After we got through eating we came home and I got off my foot! OMG! When I had to get up and go to the bathroom I thought I was going to fall flat on my face. The pain was near unbearable. I could have sworn my ankle was broken. Mark had to get my walker out. I just wanted to die! I hadn't had that kind of pain since 2007 when I weighed 427 lbs! and in 2008 when I was 350 lbs. I didn't have this kind of pain at Christmas. What is the deal?????

I suffered all night long. Mark made us sandwiches for dinner and we watched the movie Slum Dog Millionaire. That was a pretty good movie! I'd like to see it again. I just never could get in the mood to blog so that is why I'm behind. I could have caught this up today but I just didn't feel like it. I could not get my brain to work. So at least I'm getting you caught up now...right?

Well pretty much after the movie, we fed the cats and hit the hay!

Year 3, Day 95

2010-03-13T23:09:00.001-06:00

I got up this morning and did a few things before I jumped in the shower. I got my grocery list ready, changed purses, fed the cats and got everything ready to get out the door. I knew that I was going to be up. I don't get it. I really don't! I didn't want to go at all! I knew that it would be trouble if I didn't go. It isn't worth it.

Well I was up 3.2 lbs! SUCKS! I'm sorry but I am having a hard time letting this one go! For the mild screw up with the peanut butter and chocolate chips I know for a fact that I didn't eat 10,500 calories of the stuff! What the hell? ARG!!!!!!!!

After the meeting I stayed because I had a insulated bag in the car for Mike, plus I needed to get a bag back from him. I realized very quickly that he had many new members so I walked up to him and just asked him for the keys to his car. He went to looking for them and remembered that he had the candy that I had bought on Wednesday. I didn't want it and I told him that I didn't want it. He told the new people that he had to go down to his truck and he would be right back. We got on the elevator together and I told him that I had gained 3 lbs and he told me that he didn't that it was too bad that he really had thought that it was going to be worse. He told me that if I didn't behave myself this week he was going to pull my fingernails off one at a time. I just cut him a look and he cut me one back. He was serious! We got out of the elevator and walked out to the parking lot. Someone came up and started talking to him and I just kept walking towards the car. He grabbed my candy out of his truck and started walking towards the car. I had the door open and he put the candy in the car and walked back to the trunk where I gave him a big cooler bag that he has been wanting to haul pizza in. Crack me up! He thanked me and I got in the car and he went back to do his new members meeting.

I left there, called my parents and they were getting ready to leave and I headed for the store. I got everything that I needed there and got things loaded in the car and headed for Costco. I got what I needed there and got home and got everything unloaded and put up. I got the bathroom cleaned and I started on getting things together for dinner. I called my parents and told them not to stop for lunch that I had picked up some chicken salad and for them to come on and have a sandwich.

Before they got here Mike called and we talked some more. We talked about some about my rape back when I was 18 and his concern if I felt guilty from it. I assured him that I had no guilt about it because of the therapy that I got back in 1993. I told him if anything some of the anger has come back because I know without a shadow of a doubt that this weight problem is a direct result of that rape! Add the horrible abusive marriage and an abortion to the mix and I was a very missed up 21 year old! We had a pleasant conversation and I think that we are a little more on the same page. We didn't talk long as he was meeting his Sweetie at a function that she was at and I my parents kept calling the house phone but I ignored it because we were in too deep of a conversation to interrupt it. As soon as we hung up I called my parents back to make sure everything was o.k. and they were close so I got things ready for lunch.

The rest of the afternoon Mom talked to me and helped where she could as I got the meal prepared. She made the salad and grabbed things for me, stirred for me, offered to help more but she has just had a bunch of vein work done on her legs and is still dealing with quite a bit of pain so I was trying to give her space to do what she needed to do to keep her off her feet.

Well, I had done so much yesterday and had been going since 4:30 a.m. my feet were starting to kill me as well. I don't think that I stopped. I know by the time we all sat down for dinner I didn't even want to eat. I was so tired and in so much pain that I didn't really even want to eat. I did manage to eat and everyone was sweet and sat around the table and visited while I tried to get my points in.

My Mom, nieces and Mark cleared the table, rinsed the dishes and put the food up. That was a huge help to me. When I got up I loaded up the dishwasher and got one load going. Mark fixed a pot of coffee and we all had dessert. I totally forgot to take pictures. I'm not real sure how I feel about the meal. I changed some things and it may not have been the best idea! I will have to make it all again and the decide if it is worth posting or not.

I was in near tears by the time everyone left. Mom, Dad, Mark and I sat in the living room and visited a little bit before we decided that it was time to hit the hay. It all went well. Everyone was surprised and that was great! It was so worth all the work! I'd do it all over again. Here are some pictures taken tonight:

Enjoying wine and some appetizers!

I was putting the finishing touch on dinner! Everyone else was partying!

Starting from the left: My Mom, Melanie, Jon, Shanon, Meredith, me and my Dad. Poor Mark he is always the one stuck in taking the pictures. Thanks Sweetie!

Year 3, Day 94

2010-03-12T22:13:00.001-06:00

Whew! I'm behind!

I will start this with Friday and tell you about all that I remember. I have a pretty good memory so hopefully I won't leave out much! LOL!

I had mentioned that I was having my niece and her partner over for dinner. Then my other niece wrote on my Facebook page that her and husband were coming too. Her husband is on a 2 week leave from Iraq. So I decided it would be wonderful if my parents came up and surprised the 4 of them. It would also guarantee them to get to see Jon before he has to go back to Iraq. You know how it is, bless his heart, home for 2 weeks, a newlywed, and everyone wants a part of him. He told my parents that he was planning to get to see them but I wanted to make sure it happened. I called my parents and asked them to come and they accepted.

Well, I hit the panic mode because my house was awful. I got busy and I cleaned all day and all night long. Climbing our step ladder cleaning on top of furniture and the whole gamut! Mark worked all day and brought home Chick-Fil-A and we ate dinner and we talked about the conversation the Mike and I had in the afternoon. Then Mark and I got busy and worked till about midnight and then went to bed.

Now to tell you about my conversation with Mr. Mike. He called and of course I still wasn't in the greatest of moods. It was everything that I could do to keep my focus on my dinner party and getting the house ready for it all. When he asked me how I was doing and I said "OK" he caught on really quick that I didn't mean it. He said "Pretty mono-tone Laura, talk to me." I told him again that I was OK but he wasn't buying it. So then I told him that I was still upset about our conversation on Thursday. I told him that we didn't get to discuss my view point. He again told me to talk to him that he was driving. We discussed all that I thought. He did listen and told me that he understood alot of what I was saying. We talked about how I hate how my body is looking, my fear of not being able to fix it. Of course I had to endure his what is better hanging skin or dead. I understand what he is saying and if I die we can't fix anything. I know that my weight is still at a very critical level and I do respect what he says but I need someone to understand my fear and this fear is what I think is causing me to struggle and lose my focus. I told him what I did for the week and he told me how I needed to realize that in every circumstance I have a choice. He ended up upsetting me again about different stuff. He raised his voice at me a few times as he told me while we both deal with an addiction it isn't the same as crack. I just about decided with the last 2 conversations that I'm not sure if I want to tell him anymore how I feel. I know that I need help but I need someone who will listen before they go into attack mode. So that is what I remember of the conversation. I didn't feel any better other than I knew that he knew what I wrote in my document as to "why" I keep doing the things that I do.

Oh yeah, one other thing we talked about is I'm either not being honest with him or myself and I'm telling you all and I hope you believe me when I say, there is no one that wants to get to goal more than I do. I want it so bad I will die to get there! I wouldn't be coming out here every day writing down my feelings and sharing the journey. I wouldn't. I wouldn't give a shit! I would do what I did from November 2004 until May 2006 and just do program and take the losses and gains and go on with my life. Let it be what it will be. But when I drew that line in the sand back on December 8, 2007 and with frustration of not knowing what it would be like to lose 268 lbs. and how there might be someone else like me looking for someone that could share with me what it was like to lose this much weight I decided to journal my journey, good and bad! I will continue it. I don't care how boring it gets or if anyone wants to read this. I'm doing this for me! One day I hope that I can sit down and read it and laugh and cry over all of this because frankly I can't tell you how I felt or what I wrote back in 2007. I'm not going back to read it yet. I am going to reach goal first. It really doesn't matter does it? What matters is to continue the journey even though I'm more frustrated than I ever could imagine. I will go on. Mike or not!

Year 3, Day 93

2010-03-11T23:19:00.001-06:00

My day started out o.k. I had some dread knowing that Mike and I were going to talk about what I have been doing this morning. I had breakfast and got Mark off to work and then I tried to figure out what I had done with the chocolate chips and peanut butter. I also finished journaling my dinner last night. Things are not good but they are what they are. I can't go back to change so I have to accept them and move on.

I didn't really want to get started on anything so I sat around and waited for Mike to call. When he finally did call he talked about other things and not about my message to him last night from Mark's cell or about the 2 boxes of candy bars that I left with him too. As he told me that he had to go and do a meeting I reminded him that we needed to talk and he told me that he would call after his meeting. I continued to wait as I wanted to talk to him. I am really concerned with the fact that I can flippantly decided that certain things don't have to be counted or written down. That is scary. While I knew what I was doing there was something about hearing him talk about it happening at some point in time and that it happens to everyone. I've heard it over the years but I've been determined not to let myself go that way. And now I'm finding myself doing it!

I knew when we hung up this morning that it wasn't going to be a easy talk. It never is with Mike. I knew that he was going to say to me "You need to ask yourself why you do these things...Why do you?" Well I decided since he was in a meeting and was going to call me back when he was through that I would just open up a Word document and see what came to mind. I'll share it with you.

Why do you keep doing this?????

I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m frustrated, tired, bored with it all. I’m sad because I see so many people consistently lose their weight. I see people reaching goal. I’ve been at this since November 20, 2004 and I should be there but I’m not. I know that I screwed it up building this house and from time to time I really screw up my points and I don’t really understand why. I think about Rene who lost over 200 lbs in two years and here I am at 3 years and 92 days and not even half way there. I know that I am hating my body, fear that we won’t have money to get it fixed and wondering if I can live with the aftermath. I’m sad because I did this to myself. In a weird way I’m mad because I don’t deserve this, yet I know I am the one solely responsible for it all. No one shoved food down my throat. It was my decision and because I am way too emotional. I also get mad when I see huge people who don’t have the dark screwed up legs that are so ugly deformed and they don’t seem to give a shit about their size or even care or try to do something about it. I also get mad at seeing people who seem larger than me doing something about it and have no physical damage to their feet and legs. I’m been trying to get back to a normal size since 1977 and I can’t get there. Why? I truly believe that I do things more right than I do wrong and I just don’t get it.

So listening to myself as I try to write about all the things that bug me, I have to ask myself is the reason why because I’m a whiner? Because I feel sorry for myself? I bet if I were to read this to Mike he would tell me YES! That is scary because I’ve learned Mike is always right. ALWAYS!

How do I stop this? I don’t know. Get a gun? Believe me there are times I think about it but I know that isn’t the answer either. Have I prayed to die? You bet. I know that is stupid but truthfully there have been times in my life that I have prayed that every day especially in my first marriage being abused everyday.

I really want this. I really do. Is Dr. Hamilton right when he told me that I will never be thin? I’ve wanted to prove him wrong ever since he told me that bull shit. I won’t stop trying. I want to stop doing damage to progress I’m making. How do I do it? Apparently I can’t stop. Why? Read this again for the answer. How do I stop the Merry Go Round. I’m clueless.

Well, he didn't call back after his meeting like he said. I know he is busy and I tried not to let it bother me. The thing that got to me was he made me feel like it was important and he was stern last night about us talking about it and figuring it all out. I also know that he can have things come up that are out of his control because he also has his own business.

I ended up texting him telling him not to call because I was sleepy and I wanted to take a nap. I told him that I thought over what I had done and what he would say which was to ask myself why? and I told him about the document that I wrote and told him that I would share it if he wanted to hear it. I also told him that I needed to figure out how to stop the Merry Go Round. I also told him how I figured the points and my deficit for the week. He texted me back "OK". My fatal mistake was to text him back and tell him to eat the bars that I had left him or to give them away and that I didn't want them. I don't. I know how good those pretzel bars are and I fear that I would not be able to control them. About 20 minutes later he texted me "Don't get crazy" and then 30 minutes after that he called.

It was a horrible conversation that he controlled. He wouldn't hardly let me talk. He was on a totally different page than where I was. He brought up stuff that he says to me all the time and I felt like he badgered me with it all. When I was able to say anything I told him that I was on a different page and asked him if he wanted to hear what I had written. (He is always encouraging his class to keep a emotional journal and that is something that I may have to start keeping) He told me that he did want to hear it but not now He told me that he was fixing to go into the Post Office and that he would hear it later. He kept on his course saying all kinds of things to me and hurting me and at the same time making me so mad I couldn't talk but had tears running down my face. Of course when he realized how upset I was and I couldn't hardly answer him he started his thing telling me that he loved me and that "we" would get there and "he" wasn't going to let me fail and on and on and on. I just wanted off the phone. He ended the conversation with "I'll check on you later."

When I got off the phone I cried and cried. I wanted to tear this house up. I called Mark and told him that we had talked and that Mike had done his psychology trip on my head and that I couldn't recall everything he said other than he would not give me a chance to talk nor did I feel that he would even listen to me. Mark majored in psychology in college and he told me that the thing that is really wrong with me I won't be able to put a finger on till enough is said in other ways that I figure it out on my own. WHATEVER!

I hung up from Mark and called Bobbie and we talked and she let me cry. She let me vent and release my frustration and anger. I managed to get dinner fixed. I had made a Slow Cooker Lasagna that was in one of the Weekly Reader I got a few weeks back at my WW meeting. It was excellent and I will post it to the website sometime later this weekend. I ate dinner in tears and Mark and I talked about what I had written above and how I feel about my body and my fears of not being able to deal with the weight-loss aftermath. I finally told him that I didn't want to talk any more about it because I didn't want to be crying when Mike called back. Well, lucky for me, he didn't call back.

Now I'm exhausted and my eyes are blurry and stinging from all the tears. I have so much to do tomorrow as I'm having company Saturday night. I need a good day tomorrow or at least I need to get a lot done before Mike calls. I know that he will. Right now I don't want to talk about it. PERIOD!

Year 3, Day 92

2010-03-10T23:50:00.001-06:00

What a day!

I got my hair cut, colored and my toes done this morning. I'm all fresh and I love it! Of course I don't like spending the money but it is a necessity! My hairdresser is very reasonable. I got all that done plus my lip waxed for just over $100. Oh yes she even flat-ironed my hair.

While I was there she asked me how Mark was doing. I was telling her about how Mark has really been struggling with his knee and how badly he needs knee replacement surgery, a lady waiting for me to finish overheard our conversation and told me all about her husband's experience and shared with me the Dr.'s name. Mark and I both have been scared to death to start this adventure because he is straight commission so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. Giving our financial circumstances it scares the living daylights out of me. His knee has gotten so bad when he stands he has to "set his knee" before he walks. He walks all day long and is crawling around cars doing estimates and such (works 12 hours a day). We have an appointment to see this Dr. who uses robotics to do partial knee replacements. He runs one of the first 5 hospitals in the country to do this type of knee replacement. We need alot of prayers about this as we need to get it done and we need to make it financially. I know we are going to have to hit the retirement again! ARG! If he can qualify for a partial his time off work will be minimal and maybe only a few days off but back to work in a limited capacity. We need that to be the outcome so pray hard! His appointment is next Thursday at 10:15.

I came home hungry so I fixed a snack and started surfing the web about partial knee replacements and also looked at the Dr.'s website. Man the technology that this Dr. uses is amazing! He had videos on his site that local TV stations aired about the surgery and had patients talk about it.

I don't know what is wrong with me but the last couple of days I have been journaling but not measuring everything that I eat. What is with this? SCARY! I knew the first time that I did it that I needed to tell Mike what was going on but I knew that he would just scream! I talked to Mark and told him that I needed to go to a meeting and he was having a busy day so it all worked out for me to to Mike's meeting and then we planned to meet at Applebee's afterwards.

So I got to the meeting and they were giving out samples to WW's new Caramel Pretzel Bars and I was hungry so when I sat down I ate it. I had also bought a box of 1 point Caramel Bars because we were out and one box of the new Pretzel Bars. Mike asked me how I liked them and I'm telling you they are the best things that WW's has come out with in Chocolate! WOW!

Mike came and started the meeting and he handed out alot of awards. I've told you all that is my favorite part of the meeting, especially when I'm feeling down about my journey and/or things that I've done. I love to see success! His meeting was good as usual but towards the end he asked the question "Do you ever have days that you just don't want to track?" I about flipped out. How did he know that was how I have been feeling over the last couple of days. I haven't been this way since we built the house so what I have done twice this week has kind of scared me. After he ended the meeting I had brought him a new product to try and some of my pasta sauce and that Ranch Dressing mixture that I got off Kim Bensen's website. I waited while he talked to other members and when the room was just about empty and I thought I was going to get to tell him I had something in the truck a girl walked up to him with issues so I knew I had better just get the bag out of the truck and leave it. He could call me later about it all.

As I walked out to the truck to get it an overwhelming urge and thought struck me that I could eat on that candy on the way to get Mark for dinner. I was able to realize the danger of putting those 2 boxes of candy in the truck and made the decision to walk them back into the WW and give them to Mike. He was still busy talking so I left the two things by his drink and walked out and told Bonnie to make sure he knew that I left the 2 bags. She wanted to know what was in them and I told her and I got out the door because I could feel tears coming.

I turned on my phone ringers and such and tried calling Mark to tell him that I was on my way and my phone would not let the calls go through. Finally it lost it's connection to the network and I couldn't call anyone so I hurried to his office and his phone was still working. I knew that Mike was going to panic when he found out that I left the candy bars and even more so if he tried to call me and couldn't get through. I left him a VM telling him about the phone problems and that I would call him after I got home from having dinner with Mark. I then called AT&T and tried to figure out what was wrong. Was it their network or my phone? It looks like it was their network.

Mark and I left in separate cars and met at Applebee's. Mark got out of his car on his cell and Mike had called him back. Mark gave me the phone and we talked for a few minutes and I told him what I had told Bonnie and he said that she never said anything including when they looked up who bought them and discovered it was me. He told me to enjoy my dinner and that we would talk tomorrow.

Oh boy...here it goes...I hate confession time! HATE IT! But I told him that I would never lie nor would I ever keep things from him so...here we go....

We watched TV the rest of the evening and now we both are ready for bed. So tomorrow I will go back and see if I can figure out how much peanut butter and mini chocolate chips I ate. OMG!

Here we go....

Year 3, Day 91

2010-03-09T23:11:00.003-06:00

I had real high hopes of getting lots done around here. It didn't happen. I mistakenly took a prescription sleeping pill last night late. It knocked for me a loop all day today and I finally gave into it around noon and didn't wake up till 6 p.m. with 3 cats screaming for their dinner. Won't do that again! Tomorrow I will take those pills out of my pill carrier. I've been bad about taking my pills everyday and yesterday I was determine to get back to it but that little white pill got pass me, down the throat and today I suffered for it. My system is just sensitive when it comes to taking meds.

Mark and I did enjoy the Steel Cut Oats with fresh blueberries! I'm hooked on that! I got his lunch made and got him out the door and I spent some time drinking coffee and catching up on e-mails and blogs that I like to read. Mike called and we chatted on his way up to Huntsville and we had a good time cracking each other up. Didn't get into anything heavy, he just kept telling me funny mafia stories. The guy has had a interesting life!

I did talk to Bobbie just before I drifted off to sleep as she had her weigh-in today. She was up .4 but we talked and I told her to look at her average and to let it all go. It is going to happen and I told her that I bet the .4 was fluid retention. She had a very hard workout yesterday with her personal trainer so I think that had something to do with it. Don't you?

So...then I slept.

Mark brought home Chick-Fil-A and we ate while we watched Lost. Mike called on his way home and we talked until he got into a area where he knew he was going to lose his cell signal. He was suppose to call me back but my phone never went off. Once the new episode started he called me back and I missed a good part so thankfully I am recording it on the DVR so I will have to watch it again tomorrow. He is a mess. He is going to kill me because I got into chocolate chips and peanut butter today. Not bad but I didn't measure or track so I don't know how to count it. Hopefully letting the rest of my flex points will cover my stupid butt!

Tomorrow is hair and pedicure day. I need to do some shopping for the rest of the week and for this weekend when Meredith and Shannon come for dinner. I plan to go to Mike's meeting tomorrow night since I'm slipping. Why do I do this? I need to figure this out! NOW!

He is going to kill me! I hear the yelling now! But I promised him that I would be honest so I will be. So here is to walking the fine line tomorrow and the rest of the week and hoping for the best!

I did manage to wash some dishes this morning and load the dishwasher and ran it. I washed a load of clothes but forgot to dry them. I also paid a couple of bills so I did get a little done. I was just hoping to get the dining room and living room dusted and finish up the kitchen. Tomorrow that is what I will concentrate on.

Stay strong! I need you to channel me strength!

Year 3, Day 90

2010-03-08T22:55:00.001-06:00

I had a pretty good day today. After I got Mark out the door the phone started ringing. I was so tempted not to answer it because I wanted to get alot done today. But when I looked at the caller-id it was my friend Deb who called over a week ago and I had only tried calling her back once. I felt like I needed to take her call. Bless her heart she needed help in finding a recipe on the WW boards. She doesn't know how to search the site so I helped her and we found the recipe she was wanting and then spent time catching up. She still doesn't have a job and it will be a year Memorial Day. Right now she is doing all that she can. She is delivering phone books right now. Bless her heart.

While I talked to her I fixed a huge batch of Irish Oatmeal to have for breakfast this week. They were done by the time we got off the phone. I had bought some fresh blueberries at Costco so I put a points worth in them with some spray butter and Splenda and OMG. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. Never really ate fresh blueberries but now I'm in love with them! LOL!

I got my shower, fixed my pill boxes and called and refilled some of my drugs. I got the dishwasher unloaded and then it was time for lunch. I fixed lunch and then it happened. I fell asleep! Here is the funny thing...my hearing aid battery started beeping me telling me to change the batter and that thing beeping in my ear woke me up! LOL! Funny to wake up and start dying laughing. Wished my hearing aid had an alarm. I would hear it!

I called Mark and told him what had happened and we agreed that he would bring dinner home since I didn't get the lasagna in the crock pot. I went ahead and washed up some pots and I fixed the meat portion of the lasagna for tomorrow and then I put up groceries, re-tumbled his pants and hung them up. Loaded up the dishwasher and wiped down all the counters. Oh yes, I fed the hungry little boys! So even though I didn't get as much done off my list as I wanted I still got alot done.

We ate dinner and watched Jason's and Molllie's wedding on The Bachelor. Right during the wedding ceremony Mike called to check in with me. We talked for a bit and then he was at the grocery store and needed to go in a buy a few things. I wouldn't want his life! He is so busy he shops at weird times and everything in his life seems stressful to me and sort of backwards. He needs to marry his Sweetie so that she can help take care of him. But he is ornery enough not to let anyone. The man can be a big booger!

I some fun on the WW boards this evening with the cookies making up a story about two ladies who are vacationing in Vegas. That was fun while it lasted. It is late and I'm yawning like crazy. I guess it is time to hit the hay and make plans to hit the ground running tomorrow.

What are your plans?

Year 3, Day 89

2010-03-07T23:06:00.002-06:00

Had a wonderful day today with my Sweetie!

Ernie got me up again nipping at me. So I got up and fixed a cup of coffee and turned on the TV and found a infomercial about ZUMBA. I've been thinking about checking into this form of excercise as I love to dance. Well, let's say when I was younger I danced all the time. I'm also thinking that it might do me some good to get out of the house more. I just need to give this some more thought and check into it more. If any of you do ZUMBA please comment and tell me what you think, how long you have done it and what benefits it has given you. I'd really appreciate it.

We pretty much just watched TV together this morning and briefly talked about finding a church. Since I got out of the cult church just bugs me. I'm not sure that it will ever be the same. Mark would like to go back, I don't. So it will be interesting who will win this. For me to go back would take a very special place. One that I'm not sure exists. I just hate twisted scripture but my relationship with God is important to me. It didn't help finding a church that I liked until the pastor twisted the scripture and I busted him. I walked away and haven't gone back. I wish I could explain my feelings but if you have ever been in a cult you understand what I'm talking about.

We went out for Brother's pizza. It is such a nice treat for us as we both love pizza so much. Then we went to Costco and Mark stayed in the car while I ran through and picked up blueberries, strawberries, snap peas, mushrooms and some cutie oranges. Then we went to the store and we both shopped. I'm really getting worried about how Mark is getting around. Twice this morning I thought he was going down. He told me that he has to stabilize his knee before he walks. I'm so scared! One salary, straight commission, 6 weeks recovery and time off for a few months of physical therapy scares the crap out of me. I hate the thought of hitting our retirement fund again.

On the way home we got behind this old car that about fumigated us to death. It made me sick! My stomach was killing me and my head hurt. We came in and watched some more TV and ended up falling asleep and not getting anything done. I guess that is what we needed to do. For dinner I heated up our left over fish tacos that was perfect after the big lunch. We watched the Oscars and that was different for us because we usually don't watch them. There were several dresses that I loved and I asked Mark if he could picture me ever getting to wear something like that. He said that he could. It made me smile. I would love nothing to have a event or a possible cruise to dress to the hilt like that and really look fabulous! A goal to work for! I know I'll never have a designer gown but there are plenty of pretty things out there! Right?

I updated my Stats on the web-page and I updated my records on the WW site as well as my avatar stats. I did not realize that I had not updated them since January 9! How awful! But they are updated now and I won't let that happen again. LOL!

I have a lot to do this week as we are having my niece and her partner over for dinner and a movie night this Saturday. Mark works all day Saturday so it will be up to me to get everything ready and done and I'm up for the challenge since making a list everyday is really working for me. I'm loving it. There's something about getting to mark out something and seeing the things to do get marked off. I only keep 10 things on my list at a time. At the end of the day I add things to the bottom but I don't go past 10. I have yet to run out of things to do and slowly things are getting taken care of which is good.

I haven't planned meals yet either but there is plenty of food in the house and things that I can make. I know that tomorrow I'm doing the Slow Cooker Lasagna that was in one of the weekly readers that I got at my WW meeting. Heather gave it a glowing review on her blog and Mike told me Saturday that he is hearing alot that the recipe is really good. I do know that this week had a recipe using sugar snap peas that looks really good so I know that I'm making that. So I know I need to keep it easy and quick so that I can stay focused on my list.

I'm also going to work very hard on getting some excercise in and getting back to getting those Healthy Guidelines in. It doesn't look like that if you have check out yesterday's and today's food journal but tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to work hard for the rest of the week. You can't expect to be perfect all the time but I'm determine to make it at least 5 days a week.

So...let's have a great week. Let's get after our "to-do lists" and make smart choices and accurately weight and measure everything that goes into our mouth. I want another weight loss. It would be 4 in a row and I need it and I want it so I'm going to make it happen.

How about you?

Year 3, Day 88

2010-03-06T23:16:00.003-06:00

I am freaking out!

I lost 2.4 lbs!

How did this happen?????

Maybe I should continue to eat junk! LOL!

Just Kidding...It's not healthy!

Got up really early this morning as I had alot of little things to get done before we went to our meeting and then out to Santa Fe to see Bobbie. I got it all done and we got out the door and headed to the meeting.

I was shocked when I weighed in! SHOCKED! Mark was weighing in beside me and they didn't finish with him as fast as Sandy got finished with me. I walked over beside him and asked "Did you lose?" and Bonnie said yes eh did and I announced "Well, that is lucky cause he doesn't journal!" I am proud of Mark though because he is now 3 lbs from the high end of getting back to goal. If he would just journal he could be there in the next couple of weeks and we can cancel his monthly pass. We had everyone laughing in-line waiting to weigh-in. It was funny.

It was a very good meeting and Mike did what he said that he was going to and that was to talk about Harvard's new report. He did say that the WW's Science Department is reviewing it and they will study and find other reports to compare it to and if they feel that they need to make changes to the program then they well because that is what WW is all about is to stay with the newest findings of weight loss. It is so good to know that there are people behind the scenes that are looking and studying the best weight to get us to goal and help us stay there. Weight Watchers is absolutely the best way to lose weight, in my humble opinion HANDS DOWN! I love this and I have to agree with Mike...I'm not a Weight Watcher I am Weight Watchers. It is my life and I'm not going back PERIOD!

After the meeting Mike and talked and he was so happy about the weight loss. He is not going to change a thing with what I'm doing. He said to me "Why fix something that isn't broke" I am going to trust him. Hard as it is!

We left and went had breakfast at Cracker Barrel and then went to Costco to pick up a few things that Bobbie wanted and he headed to her house. It takes about an hour to drive down there. We had the best time shopping at Dollar Stores and we went to a wonderful mexican food place and had the best fish tacos I have ever eaten. This place makes their own soft corn tortillas and they are really thick so they don't get soggy. They grilled tilapia and they served them with lettuce, tomatoes and fresh avocados. The salsa was great and the rice and beans were very tasty. The portions were huge. The dinner came with 3 tacos. I was going to eat all three and then as I was finishing the 2nd taco my head went off with Mike going "No more than two of anything! Eat for the body you want...not the body you have!" I freaked a bit and I had taken a picture of the plate before I started to eat. I whipped out my phone and I texted him a picture and asked for help. He called me right away and told me that there was too much rice. I hadn't touched the rice on the plate at this point and Bobbie had a measuring cup in her cooler bag so she handed me a plate and I measured out 1 cup of rice and I promise you there was over a 1/2 cup left on the plate. I was so happy that I did that and showed me that a small measuring cup needs to go into my cooler bag. We talked about the tacos and I told him how he went off in my head and he told me that he was proud of me and we discussed my thoughts in counting it and he told me that I had a good grip on how to count it. I still felt odd because I'm so use to eating at chain restaurants with nutritional information but I really want to learn how to eat at the non-chain restaurants!

Mike talked to me a little bit more and told me how happy and proud he was of my weight loss the last 3 weeks. I am happy too. I told him "I love my leader, teach and mentor" and he thanked me for my words. He is the best and again. I am very lucky to have him as such a good friend! I just need to keep moving forward and keep trying. I will learn how to eat out and master it. I will!

We went back to Bobbie's and we visited while Mark worked on getting some bad scratches off her car and off of his. We had some coffee and talked more about Weight Watchers and it is so cool and good for me to see someone so excited to be on-program and excited about it not being a diet. It just proved to me that I am turning it in to one and I need to change my attitude and get excited about all that I can have and get out of this rut of not cooking very much and eating the same foods and the same places. So...this week I'm on a mission. Stay tuned.

This ship is turning around! Good Thing!

Year 3, Day 87

2010-03-05T23:45:00.002-06:00

I really wished that today would have been a better day. Don't get me wrong it wasn't bad it just could have been better. I felt myself trying to be whiny all day long. I've got to break out of the negative whiny mode especially since my dear sweet "cookie" friends have really brought this to light and really opened my eyes to it. I admire each one of these beautiful women and they are the most honest yet loving group of ladies that I have ever encountered and I don't know what I would do without them. Many of them have been a part of my life and journey since 2004! That is a long time for such incredible friendships with women that many I have yet had the chance to meet face to face!

Ernie again woke me up nipping me on my shoulder at 4:30! I got up and I got some things done but then I go so sleep around 10:30 so I took a 2 hour nap. I don't know why I give into to this cause after I do it I get very very lazy.

My eating wasn't the greatest today either. I couldn't get over only losing 30 lbs in the last year. It is just freaking me out. When you look at March 2009 and March 2010. What in the hell is going on? I didn't eat bad today I just ended up with alot of points late this afternoon. Mike called me late this afternoon and I tried to have my heart to heart with him. But...OH NO! His response when I told him about only losing 30 lbs in the last year was..."So! Would you like to have gained 130 lbs this last year? You could have. At first I just wanted to slap the crap out of him and I told him that I wanted to meeting him in the parking lot tomorrow and beat his ass. He just cracked up laughing at me which makes me madder. He said something about someday mud wrestling. Yea right! I soon realized that he was right. In the last year I could have easily gained 130 lbs. I did it building this house. So even though I'm not happy with the number I am starting to realize that maintenance is good. My "cookies" have told me the same thing. I have come a long way and I need to just enjoy the journey and not fret! That is so hard for me but I'm willing to work on it!

That is a good thing!

Mike also shared with me about an article he read that he is going to talk about tomorrow at the meeting. Harvard has done a 8 year study about losing weight and they found that when we diet we actually eat 30% more than what we think. You know the rounded serving of potatoes, things that we pop in our mouth not thinking and the list goes on. Think about it. They also said that there is no "starvation mode" which Mike and I both disagree on because over the last nearly 6 years for me and 13 for Mike we've witnessed people who didn't use their flex points and then start using them actually lost better weight. So...we both agreed to leave the jury out on this fact. He also said that Standford has released a new study but he hadn't a chance to read it yet but told me that he would try and read it tonight.

We talked about doing a Kick Start, we talked about lowing my points but then Mike decided that he didn't want to make a decision till I weighed in tomorrow. So...we may be changing things because he understands my frustration and a Kick Start may be something that I need to do to get things moving well in the right direction. We'll see.

Mike wasn't too happy when he heard that I had so many points to eat in the evening. He told me to let all but 10 go. I was shocked but I did what he said. I wasn't in the mood to eat anyway so when Mark got home I heated up Jilly's Taco Pasta and we ate dinner and watched 20/20 and now it is time to hit the hay. Tomorrow will be a long day as we re planning to drive down to Santa Fe (which is a few miles north of Galveston, to see my old high school friend Bobbie to further help her on her weight loss journey. She's lost just over 9 lbs so far. I'm so happy for her and it has been good for me to see her excitement about program. She is going to do well. I'm happy for her.

So...here is to tomorrow. I fear by the scale today it is going to be ugly. I dread to see what Mike does as far as a Kick Start or permanently changing my points. I'm so grateful that I have him. He is really smart when it comes to this program. I'm really lucky!

So...say a prayer! Thanks!

Year 3, Day 86

2010-03-04T22:20:00.002-06:00

I had a pretty good day today even though I felt like I spent the majority of it in a on-line chat with Technical Support at Webs.com over my website. What a mess! The site is going to renew in about 15 days and they sent an email which gave me a link if I wanted to unsubscribe to any feature before it renews. Well, for the last 2 years I've paid for extra bandwidth and never even come close to needing it, so I thought I would go out and no renew that portion of the site. OMG! I followed their instructions and now my subscriptions with Webs will automatically renew through Pay-Pal but my domain will not. They use to do it all at the same time but something happened to change all of that when I followed "their" instructions. They can't fix it! So every year for now on I will have to remember when I get my renewal receipt from Pay-Pal to go out and use the coupon to renew the domain. I just want to scream. If I lose this domain name I'm really going to holler! I'm so frustrated with Webs but I don't know HTML so I'm stuck right now.

I also talked to several Tech Support Reps about the on-going problems with the blog function on the website. I hate paying for the site when it really isn't getting used like it did before I moved the blog over here to Blogger. I really want to move it all back to the site. After many conversations they have opened a ticket and are going to try and see if they can help me straighten out the Blog. Been through this before and they have never been able to fix it. So...I'll give them a week and then I am going to sit my lap-top next to my desktop and delete and re-type the entire blog and comments back into Webs. What a pain!

Blogger just makes me nervous of the Blog disappearing even though I have many friends who have used them for years and haven't lost a thing. I wish Blogger worked more like a website but it doesn't. I may just think about checking into taking a HTML class at the college across the street from us. Wouldn't that be a hoot to go back to school! LOL!

I did get some things done around here in spite of my nearly all day project with Webs. Yay! I wished it could have been more but I am doing better so I'm so proud of that! This list thing that Marina told me to do and then all the other Cookies have encouraged and shared what they do has really helped me. Now to work on my negative attitude! This will be a big one!

Looks like tomorrow I am going to try to have another heart to heart with Mike in regards to what is going on with this weight. What is bugging me the most is it was last year at this time that I reached that all important 100 lbs lost! I was so happy and so pumped to keep on moving and ending the year with about 160 lbs gone. Didn't happen. Here we are a year later and I'm only down 30 lbs from last year. That average is less than a half a pound a month and that just really sucks! We really need to figure out what is wrong! I want to be up and pumped but with what my weight loss has been doing I'm just extremely frustrated. Have you noticed that I haven't been updating my Stats on the site? Why bother? See what I'm talking about? I've got to get out of this rut or I am going to self destruct! I don't want to do that. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished and I am happy that I'm not gaining at record speed cause I sure could be doing that! Maintaining is o.k. for a while but come one I want to lose! PERIOD!

When I talked to Mike today I told him the rut that I have been into for the last 2 weeks of not exercising and not meeting my Healthy Guidelines. I told him that I was having anywhere from 3 to 8 points in sweets. He asked me if I was managing my points which I am but I'm just not eating good. His response was as long as you are not exceeding your points you should lose weight no matter what you eat. But he told me to "stop this shit" and get back to doing things right. He told me to get the sweets out of the house and leave them out for awhile. He said when you are ready to bring them back in when you are able to control it, do not bring in more than one box of anything at a time for both you and Mark. So...the sweets are out of the house except for the last shipment of Vita Muffins which are not even opened so I am going to try this again. Please God help this body release some weight!

Mark brought home Gaguby's (Luby's) for dinner and we watched some TV. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and then...are you ready?...I posted the 0 Point Spinach Soup on the website! I hope that you all will try it and let me know what you think. I love it!

Well, I have alot that I would like to get accomplished tomorrow so I had better hit the hay. Be good and stay strong! I'M NOT QUITTING! I AM GOING TO GOAL!

Year 3, Day 85

2010-03-03T23:34:00.000-06:00

I just about let the day get out of hand today.

Rhonda had posted some pictures on her Facebook page of her and her college roommate and they had matching purses which I just fell in love with. I love Vera Bradley and their purses reminded me of those so I went shopping on E-bay. Bad move. I did way too much shopping but I did win a wallet to match the purse that I'm trying to win. If I don't win the purse then I will probably just order it directly from Vera Bradley. Anyway, I ended up bidding on two wallets and spent most of the morning trying to get that resolved with the seller. We finally got it resolved just minutes before I won one of them. LOL! Keeping my fingers crossed on winning the purse!

The exterminator came today and I scored big time. He wen out into the garage to spray and he noticed the sub-woofer that use to be in my van. He wanted to know if we would be willing to sell it. I called Mark and he said that we would and for the exterminator to make him an offer. It was a Polk Audio sub and we paid alot of money for it. Mark let him have it for the price of a extermination. That saved us $70 and got rid of something in the garage! Yay!

I got my Beefy Pasta sauce put up in the freezer and unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher, washed some pots and pans and made Jilly's Taco Pasta Skillet for supper. That recipe is on the web-site. It is so so good! It is easy and fast too!

Mark and I got caught up on the Biggest Loser last night and I'm not too sure that I like the way they put the teams together. Looks unbalanced. The blue team has some big people on it and all the small people are on the black team. Well the black team pulled it off and the blue team had to vote one off. GO BLACK TEAM! I'm not enjoying this season as much as I have the past. It was strange having it stop during the Olympics and was kind of hard to pick it back up again. I love the fact that they are helping larger people (like me when I started) but I'm having a hard time seeing the body changes and stuff and that is what motivates me!

My eating is still in the toilet. I'm back on sweets again and I'm eating too many of them. I'm not exceeding my allowed points daily and with the flex but I've stopped exercising and just have become complacent. I need to shake things up and make it all new again. I have 4 TLC Chocolate Chip Cookies and 1 WW Peanut Butter cookie left and those types of things will be gone. I do have Black Bean Brownies in the freezer but hey don't call my name that much because they are frozen. I also have a box of Vita-muffins that I bought through a Hungry Girl deal but they are frozen as well. I do have some 1 and 2 point things from WW in the pantry but I control those o.k. I think typing this out I'm seeing a pattern and see some more red flags. Eating 6 or more points a day in sweets have got to stop!

Tomorrow I'm going to try a new recipe that I got off of The WW Chick's blog. Heather really does post so neat things on her blog. This is a slow-cook lasagna. I think I have everything but an onion so I guess the grocery store is on the agenda tomorrow. There are a few recipes in the new WW Slow Cook It that I want to try so I guess I better get this closed and make some decisions and work on my list.

Stay strong and let's keep moving toward our goals!!!!

Year 3, Day 84

2010-03-02T22:13:00.002-06:00

I don't know why I am just now writing my blog, but I am. I really had a good day. There is no excuse. Maybe deep down I am overwhelmed that I had the day that I had.

I was determined to get some things done and today I did! Here is what I got accomplished:

I paid some bills
I got a batch of Beefy Pasta Sauce (on the website) made
unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher
put some things up
got a load of towels done
prepped and cooked dinner
I did not take a nap!

By the time I got to dinner I was really tired and my back was killing me. I've gone from lots of feet pain now I'm having back pain. What is with this? I've also been noticing that my back has been bothering in the morning when I wake up. I guess it is time to check our sleep number bed and see if I need to add more air.

I tried a new recipe for dinner from the Weight Watcher's Take Out Tonight. It is a old cookbook but I found a copy on Amazon and I highly recommend it. Mike told me about it and he was so right on! He said that the General Tso's Chicken was outstanding and boy ever was it. It was so good and easy and we were so hungry I forgot to take pictures of it for the website! That just means that I will have to make it again in a couple of weeks.

Speaking of recipes, I did not do what I promised and that was to post the recipe for the new 0 point soup. Of course you know me and I made some changes to it and after making it a 2nd time I'm telling you the base to this soup is so good that just adding any 0 point veggie would be outstanding. This time I also used chicken broth instead of veggie broth and I like it tons better! I increased the garlic and I increased the crushed red pepper. I will put my notes on the recipe.

We watched Lost and it is getting so good and I can't imagine it coming to an end in 10 weeks! What are we going to do? We watched all 5 seasons so fast so that we would be ready to see Season 6 I'm sure we missed little interesting details. I think that we will go back and watch it all over again. We both want to own it when it comes out on DVD in August, I think!

Mark is sick with sinus (so he says and he had better be right this time!) if I get this crap I just may have to beat him! Well, I'm tired and since this is actually Wednesday night late! I know that I will need to get up in the morning and get today's blog written. So...check back.

I'm sorry I'm so late. I will also catch up my Food Journal tomorrow as well.

Love ya'll!

Year 3, Day 83

2010-03-01T23:29:00.004-06:00

You know...

I hate writing about sucky days!

Again, my day started out with a bang and I died in the afternoon. If this week continues to go this week I'm going to the Dr. If this is depression then Zoloft sucks!

I got Mark off to work and I jumped in the shower, got dressed and headed to Lazy Boy to get the pillows re-ordered. After that I stopped by the vet's to get Bert and Ernie some food (Ollie has enough for now) and had them combine Ollie's records with Bert and Ernie's. They were really happy that we ended up with Oliver. Now if he will just continue to adjust. He is sweet to us but he doesn't interact well with us yet. He will not come into the media room when all of us in here. Maybe I should get him when all of us are in here and close the door so he will understand that we want him in here.

My mistake was sitting down to eat lunch when I got home! I got sleepy and I at least set the alarm on my iPhone for a hour. The problem is I turned it off and dozed back off instead of getting up. I slept for 4 hours. NOT GOOD!

Of course the boys were all screaming to be fed when I did wake up. I fed them and then called Mark to bring dinner home. The kitchen is a disaster and I didn't have anything thawed. So guess what he brought home? Freakin Luby's! GAG!

My fault! I deserve having to eat gaggy food since I've gotten so lazy or something else is wrong! Tomorrow I am going to fight with all my might to get alot done. I will eat my lunch at the breakfast table and not even come into this media room at all tomorrow. I will get dinner cooked PERIOD!

I also ate like crap again today. Too many sweets but I did eat some of the new 0 point soup that WW's put in the weekly reader in January. Here is a picture of it:

I will post the recipe on the site sometime tomorrow. It is delish. I like it so much I've decided that I am going to make a double batch the next time I make it. It is great to have around to have with sandwich and it helps gets those veggies in. You do make it in the crock pot. I never realized how much I really love spinach. I know some of the "Cookies" like soups that have Kale in it and this would be a easy soup base to change veggies in. So look for the recipe on the site tomorrow. Probably in the evening since my promise is to get lots done!

I did watch "The Bachelor" but I didn't like his pick. He'll have to live with the decision but I think that she is a fake! I'm also not crazy about the next Bachelorette Allie cause I think that she is a snot! She made me sick on the After The Rose show and on Jimmy Kimmel. I about died laughing to hear that Kate Gosselin will be on Dancing with the Stars and her new hair-do needs to go. She has really turned into a sleaze. OK that is my gripe for the day. I know probably most of you don't agree with me but you know what they say..."That is what makes the world go round" LOL! I love the fact that we can disagree. I also like that we can agree to disagree and let things go! Right?

Mark came home not feeling good and he actually went to bed around 9:30! I was shocked. Bless his heart. He had just better not get me sick! I'm wondering if I should just go and crawl into the Guest bed. Probably should but that room doesn't have a TV set up. It has satellite but the TV isn't hooked up. I have to have the noise of the TV to sleep with the ringing in my ears.

Well there is another boring day! Not real sure that you all want to hear about my cleaning house either. But I do plan to do some cooking and I do have alot of recipes and pictures to work on for the site. I am going to start adding a recipe a day so make sure you check out the site each day. I am going to try and figure out how to use "side bars" to announce new things on the site. We'll see if I can get it to work. I'm still wanting to move this back to the site. I may start working on that too. I hate not having this 3 year and 83 day journey not all together!

OK...I'll shut up and go to bed!

Keep trucking!

Year 3, Day 82

2010-02-28T23:15:00.003-06:00

Well...this is pathetic...

Another boring day to report. You know I'm getting really sick of this. I've got to do something because I'm boring myself so I know I'm boring all of you!

Did the usual morning stuff...you know, drink coffee, have breakfast, play on the computer, talk on the phone. Then we got dressed and got out of here to run some errands. First stop was to Brother's Pizza for our big weekly treat! I never knew that I loved pizza so much. This place has the absolute best pizza in Houston, TX! Hands down IMHO!

Then we had to go to Lazy Boy because we are still dealing with the pillow issue. I'm so ticked that the old manager did not take care of the pillows that we took back and now Lazy Boy has done away with the Pillows! So after nearly 2 hours of looking at fabrics we brought home 3 choices. None of which I love like the first one but we did find one that will work. I have to go back tomorrow and return the samples and get the flippin pillows ordered. The manager is leaving for vacation at 1:00 for a week. I'm wondering what they will do about the credit for the special trim we bought for the last pillows that we are not going to need on the new? Should be interesting but the new Manager kept apologizing to us so maybe he will throw in an extra pillow or something. I don't care, but really I do and really I would like for them to credit our account for the difference. We'll see.

Then it was off to Costco and it was a ZOO!!! The last day for their coupon book and that place was just nuts. Poor Mark had to walk from the south forty and I'm telling you his knee is really starting to scare the hell of of me. I think that this year we are going to be facing him being off of work while he has a knee replacement. The bad thing is we are up to debt to our eyeballs and struggling to make ends meet (our fault!) and the thought of him going without pay for 6 weeks because he is straight commission and having to tap the retirement fund again scares the hell out of me too. Between the economy and this screwed up government which is letting things go further down the tubes I don't think that we will ever see retirement. We lost over $200K when this all started. SUCKS! Anyway, we got the few things at Costco and I'm wondering if it is even worth the trips over there anymore. I'm really working hard on not hoarding food and that place really does make you hoard! We'll see how it goes a little longer.

Then we stopped by the grocery store on the way home to get coffee filters for our new Hamilton Beach Brew Station that we got finally last week in the mail. We scored on it big time through JC Penney as we got it for nearly half prize and with free shipping!

Came home and spent the rest of the night messing around on the computer, watched Ruby (I'm loving that show) and watched the movie UP. That was a really good movie, especially in Blue-Ray. Mark fed the cats and went to bed and I just got through uploading a ton of pictures on my computer and on my Facebook page.

How do you like the picture of our new "Oliver"? Isn't he a pretty kitty boy? We are falling in love with him. He is sweet, little standoffish but sweet.

Here is to a better week. Drink your milk and get those Healthy Guidelines in. I've been relaxed but I'm tightening my belt the rest of the week. How about you?

Year 3, Day 81

2010-02-27T23:58:00.001-06:00

Maybe doing my hair on Friday isn't a good idea. I slept until 5:00 instead of 4:30 and then I missed around with the cats and I was late getting out of here for WW's. We made in time and thankfully it wasn't crowded today. I hate what I'm seeing in my normal meeting. It is really falling off and our class is getting smaller and that is totally weird for Mike! I can tell WW's making the decision to move him out of a center into a church was a bad decision for him. He's told me that his noon meeting is only having about 4 people and I would have to agree that would be hard to have a meeting. I hope that corporate WW's see that making the decision to move meetings into 24 Hour Fitness was a huge mistake...at least in this market and they will wake up and sign some new leases and move Mike back into a center. Mark commented today that some people just hate going to church period. Maybe that is the issue or it is just the economy. I can't imagine letting WW's go! I think I would say good-bye to my cell before I would stop going to the meetings. They are so important!!!!!!

DID YOU HEAR ME???????

IMPORTANT!!!!

I lost 1.2 lbs this week and I'll take it. I'm still missing my big numbers be we all know how I struggled with food this week. Today's journal entry shows the same but it was my choice and I am going to enjoy my weekends and I am going to enjoy my Flex points. However, I am determined to keep 10 Flex for later this week.

After the meeting we went and had breakfast at Cracker Barrel and then we went to Super Target to get a baby gift for my friend's daughter Claire. I went to the shower this afternoon around 2:00 and had a great time. She got alot of great gifts and wouldn't you know that I would pick something and someone else would buy but not have it taken off her registry. Bummer. I did get to see a old bible study friend that I haven't seen in a couple of years because she has gone back to teaching. It was great to catch up with her. We promised to all get together as soon as school is out for a lunch out. I'll look forward to that!

Our plans were to go to Brother's Pizza and then to Costco but I didn't get away from the shower till near 4:00. I didn't eat anything at the shower because the only point friendly thing that they had was fruit but I feared as soon as I ate some of that it would make everything else a temptation. You know sometimes it is better not to get going. I got me a small punch glass of Apple Tea and I sipped that while everyone else ate. They ate before opening the gifts so that was why I couldn't escape sooner.

Mark and I ended up at On The Border and put off our Pizza Treat and Costco till tomorrow. We also need to go to Lazy Boy to pick out new fabric for our replacement pills for the sofa in the office because the one that we originally picked out has been discounted. Wouldn't you know. I hope our decorator is working!

When we got home I fed the boys and Mark vacuumed out the 2 cars and I fell asleep. We were going to watch the movie "Up" but I couldn't keep my eyes open for anything. I eventually woke up around 10:00 and I mean I was wide awake but Mark had gotten sleepy. He went to bed around 11:00 and here I am wide awake!

So there was my day. I'm ready to make this a better week. I have some recipes I want to try after I get the ones I already have planned out of the way. I need to get busy with the crock pots. Maybe tomorrow I will finally get my Beefy Pasta Sauce going!

Here's to a fantastic week!

Year 3, Day 80

2010-02-26T23:35:00.007-06:00

I am determined to make today a good day. I've started blogging throughout the day in hopes that I can get this posted in a more timely manner. I've been so bad recently!

I didn't hear the alarm this morning so I was rushed getting up and taking my meds and eating within that first hour. I must get Mark to understand to wake me on the first go around on the alarm. He snoozes it for about 20 minutes! Why doesn't he just set the alarm 20 minutes later and then get up? Weird!

Well, I got him off to work, checked in with all my friends on-line and email and got busy on my projects today. Clean the kitchen and dining room and prep dinner. I just finished the first sink load of pots and pans. I will get this accomplished today. I'm also going to MANAGE MY POINTS TODAY! PERIOD!

OK, I'm not staying focused and have been missing around on this computer. I'm having a snack and my last cup of coffee then I'm going to take my shower, do my hair and start a load of clothes. Then lunch and back to work on finishing the kitchen and prepping dinner. Why is it so hard to stay focused? Any ideas? Could it boredom?

Got my shower and did my hair done too. Just had lunch and I'm feeling super lazy and a little sleepy. I think that I will take a 30 minute power nap.

Boy...that was a mistake! Screwed up another day. I need some serious help here. Now I've been munching and I could give a crap about staying on program. I'm having all kinds of wild ideas. I best be putting on my boxing gloves and fighting this like crazy!

Mark is on his way home and I told him how I was feeling so he suggested Applebee's for dinner. I'm ready, packed my spray butter and salad dressing in my little cooler tote bag. We had a very nice dinner and came home and was going to watch a movie but I remembered I wanted to see a segment on 20/20 so we watched that instead and wouldn't you know Mike would call in the middle of it. He had a crazy day but still wanted to check up on me cause he knows how crazy my head has been. I told him that it was just as crazy, that I was considering not coming and he told me to go buy a casket. I got smart and told him I already had and it was a double-wide. He didn't think that was too funny. I also told him that I had thought about whipping the crap out of him in the parking lot and he really cracked up laughing. I just want to hit something. I feel so stressed out over this weight and the way my life is going. I just want to scream. We talked for a very short time and I missed what I wanted to see. I just caught up with the cookies and called it a early night. I need to get some sleep because tomorrow is WW and that means getting up at the crack of dawn.

So...wish me luck.

In surfing the net I found this great quote and want to share...

"Success will come when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change."

I hope you like it as much as I do.

Year 3, Day 79

2010-02-25T23:33:00.002-06:00

I am determined to make today a good day. I got up and fed the cats, fixed me a good cup of coffee and logged onto this box. I had breakfast within the hour and I have been doing that and hoping that Mike will be right and this will help my metabolic rate.

I got Mark's lunch fixed and got him off to work, fixed me my real breakfast and enjoyed a few more cups of coffee while I caught up on blogs and with my "cookie friends". Now I need to get busy getting 3 crock pots going of what I have been trying to do all week long plus cook up Jilly's Taco Pasta Bake and then I'll have some dinner's cooked up. I need to wash up pots and pans, and freeze the left over chili. I have to get this done! I just have to!

Well, all this cooking is taking longer than I thought so I am going to back up and not do as much but trade off and get some other things done. I think tonight for dinner I will defrost a pork tender from Christmas and I have some Jalapeno Spaghetti Squash in the freezer so I will thaw that as well. I will boil some new potatoes and make a salad and we'll have a roll for dinner. This afternoon I think that I will prep my Beefy Pasta Sauce to start in the crock-pot later tonight.

Mike called this morning and we talked awhile about all kinds of stuff. He wants me to check out my iPhone in the Yamaha dock and he told me about one of his members who can use her iPhone on a FM Transmitter like a bluetooth. Humm....interesting. Well I'm sad to report my iPhone will not work on my FM transmitter like that but the Yamaha dock will charge and play the iPhone. It gives a warning message but Mike told me how to by-pass it and it works perfectly. Now do you think for a minute that I am going to take this phone out of this flippin hard case to use on that dock? NO! It is too much of a hassle. The iPhone will get charged in the car on the FM Transmitter or using the USB/wall outlet cord in the house. My classic iPod can rotate between my Boise dock and the Yamaha dock.

This afternoon after I get the Pasta sauce prepped I need to unload and reload the dishwasher and wash up some pots and pans. If time allows I need to start cleaning on the kitchen and dining room. I'm going to try and cover 2 rooms a day and see how that goes. Not too much (I hope) but a good start or should I say try?!!!!

Well my afternoon went south with some drama. That is all I want to say because it isn't worth going into it here. Let's just say it made me sad in a way cause I realized that who I thought was a good friend isn't and it is very apparent that she has some issues that need some professional help if she will only realize it.

You know last week I told Mike that Mark was the only one on my list of people who loved me. Well, that list grew by leaps and bounds today as I saw first hand the true love of friendship from my "cookies" as they came to my rescue over the situation. I've always known that my "cookies" are one in a million type of women but today they exceeded that and proved to me their deep love. I love each of them just as much. Friendships are precious. We must never forget it.

Needless to say Mark brought dinner home again. I think that I will skip dinner if I hate to eat food from Luby's again! LOL! I spent the evening on-line with the "cookies" and I hate to say that I blew it by 6 points today. I know it won't kill me but Mike is right! I've got to stop this. I've got to really work hard at this. Emotions are going to kill me. It isn't worth it.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm letting today go and I'm going to concentrate on making tomorrow a good "HAPPY" day. I made a list of things to get done. I'm concentrating on the kitchen and dining room and prepping dinner. That's it!

It's a start!

Year 3, Day 78

2010-02-24T23:13:00.002-06:00

I hate the way my days are going. I'm just so dang lazy! LAZY!

I hate where I am at. I feel paralyzed about doing anything. I just want to sit and plunk around on this damn black box! What is with this?

I know I am overwhelmed by my house. I hate my life. I'm bored. Tired of not having any friends to do something with during the day. Just plain tired!

I was lazy again today. My butt seems to be planted in the media room with the computer in my lap just plunking around on the Internet. I have to break out of this. Someway...somehow! Karen texted me today and asked me when we could get together. I didn't even want to make the commitment. I will but I didn't want to think about it today. Where are the days that I use to run up to the Woodlands a couple times a week? I can still do it. Why am I not motivated? I told her that I would check my calendar and get back with her. Have I done it? No! I need to make sure when my next Remicade appointment is. Something tells me it is early March. But tomorrow I will figure it out and call her and set up a time to go and spend the day with her.

I hadn't talked to Mike today so I called him and we talked about the debate on Night Line about "Is it o.k. to be Fat" The girl who took the stand that it was o.k. to be fat and that you could be healthy really irritated the two of us. I told him that you can watch the whole debate on abcnews.com and click the Nightline tab. Interesting. We talked about our iPod docks connected to our receivers and and he told me that it will charge my phone. I need to take the phone out of that flippin case and check it out.

I didn't cook supper today. Mark was happy with the chili again. We watched American Idol while we ate our chili. I have been recording it on our bedroom DVR and we haven't even tried to watch it. They have already picked the final 24 so Mark thinks that we should just jump in now. Oh well.

Mike called after his meeting and we chatted some more and he told me some pretty funny stories about commercials that he likes. I did talk to him about my frustration and he even told me that he thinks that I do things right. He said what I need to work on is having 2 good days and the a screwed up day and then 2 good days and a really fucked-up day (his words). He's right. I had looked at my stats and here really soon I will hit the anniversary of my 100 lbs gone and I've only lost 30 lbs. Talk about a wake-up call and a real bummer!!!!! He told me that it wasn't all my fault but some of it was. I told him that I would accept responsibility of the times that I knew that I didn't do what I know that I should. He ended up setting a new goal for me. Getting below the 280 mark by then end of April. He said that it can be done. I just hope that he is right!

My eating today was just awful. You'll see that if you are following my food journal blog.

Tomorrow has to be a better day! (Here we go again...) It just has too! Wish me luck in turning this all around! I am going to need it!

Year 3, Day 77

2010-02-23T22:12:00.003-06:00

Got up this morning to feed the cats so that I could take my meds and get something in my stomach within that first hour! This is driving me crazy but I will do if what Mike says is true which it must be because I've never known him to lie about things like this.

I enjoyed my coffee and had a Vita Muffin and then fixed Mark's lunch and got him out the door. I played around on Facebook waiting for Mike to call since we didn't talk yesterday. He called and we talked about my day yesterday and about our Ipod's and Ipod docks and he wants me to check out some things since we both have the same dock attached to our Yamaha's receiver. So...I must get that done today...sometime.

When I fixed my regular breakfast I took the time to load up the dishwasher and started it and got my thoughts ready to spend alot of time in the kitchen preparing things for the crock pot. Beefy Pasta Sauce, 0 Point Soup, and starting the Chili for supper.

That is as far as I got! I'm so bad. I just didn't feel like doing much today except watch the weather and waited to see if we would get some snow. I did get the Chili fixed and it was over the top HOT HOT HOT!!!! It had a Habanero packet in there and I added the whole thing. It made our mouth tingle the whole time. We even had to take a break between the first and 2nd serving of the stuff! Not sure if I will keep it or not! LOL!

While I was making the chili the cats were jetting around going crazy and then I noticed it was snowing like crazy. I stood there and just watched for awhile. It was melting as soon as it hit the warm ground but fun to watch. Mike had called this afternoon and he was really in the thick of it and told me that it reminded him of snow in the NE.

Mark got home and we had the chili and watched LOST. Then House Hunter's and I fell asleep! I'm so bad! I wanted to see Kim Bensen on Nightline and that was good. They have the full debate (about obesity) on ABCnews.com. I think that tomorrow I will go out there and listen to all of it. If it is good I'll post the link tomorrow. I'm so tired! I think that I will hit the hay and try again to get more done!

Year 3, Day 376

2010-02-22T11:29:00.002-06:00

Today was a pretty good day. I didn't get done all that I wanted to. I keep having an issue of falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon. I think that I am going to start beating this by not allowing myself to stop and take a break!

This morning I talked to my friend Bobbie for awhile to help build her confidence in doing WW. She had eaten out during the weekend and wasn't real sure about how she counted some of the food she had eaten. After sharing some more with her about eating out and showing her how to go out on the web to see if a restaurant has nutritionals or their menu she seemed to grasp what she needed to do the next time. Tomorrow is her 2nd weigh-in and I'm excited to see how she does. This has been fun for me.

I won a prize on one of my favorite blogs yesterday for a free box of Gorton's Fish! I haven't tried it so I'm so excited about it. I should be getting the coupon pretty soon in the mail. I'll let you know what I decide to try and what I do with it. Heather made fish tacos out of their grilled tilapia and I may just do the same! They sounded delish!

I ran some recipes through the recipe builder that I am planning to make tomorrow and got my points figured for that. One is a mix that I had bought some time ago for some chili. Tomorrow we are suppose to get some ice and snow so chili will be a good dish for the weather that we are expecting. If the snow sticks I'll take some pictures and post them because it will be strange for Houston to get it! Especially this time of the year! It won't be here long as tomorrow our high will be in the 50's.

Tomorrow I'm making some 0 point soup, the chili, Beefy Pasta Sauce (on the website), Jilly's Taco Pasta (on the website I think!) and a new soup recipe that I got a couple of years ago when I attended Brenda's class made from WW's Smart Ones...should be interesting. This week I'm also planning on trying Heather's crock pot lasagna. So...I'll be in the kitchen most of the day. I also need to start getting caught up on laundry and cleaning this filthy house! Too many things to do! I know Marina...make a list. I think that I will cause I'm a bit overwhelmed!

Because I slept till nearly 6 this evening Mark brought home dinner and we watched The Bachelor and then we went to the store. Poor Mark had washed the sheets when he got home so he is in there making the bed. I should go and help him. I know that he is tired. He had a hard day at work today after being off for 4 days. I've also got to get him in to see a Sports Medicine Dr. about his knee! He had a hard time getting around the store. Thank you Lord that I can get around better because now it's my time to take care of him. At the store tonight they closed the doors that we were parked closest to so I had to go and get the car cause he was barely walking. I ended up just driving home. So...I best call it a night so that I can get alot done tomorrow.

I've managed o.k. today, didn't blow my points but I struggled with my head. Will this ever end? At least I won today!

Till tomorrow...STAY STRONG!

Year 3, Day 75

2010-02-21T22:49:00.002-06:00

After staying up half the night I woke up at nearly 9:00! Mark got up with the kitty boys and then came back to bed. I woke up with Bert walking back and forth over my head pulling my hair and Ernie biting the blanket on the bed.

Mark made coffee and some Vita Muffins from a mix and I fooled around on the computer for a bit. Then we got busy. Mark put up all the glass Christmas ornaments that were on a iron tree that Rosie gave me for Christmas while I cleaned out and re-organized my spice rack. The only thing left to do is the refrigerator door in the house. It is all done and it feels great to know all that I have and now I can get busy cooking once again! Yea! No more freakin Luby's chicken, green beans and new potatoes! I was getting so sick of that! Trust me!

We fixed some lunch and then Mark went and got me a paper for my couponing and I fell asleep in my chair while he was going. He couldn't get me to wake up when he got home so he let me sleep. We wanted to get some work on the office done. Mark finished the box of papers that needed shredding so at least something happened in there. I feel bad that I let him down. He really wants to get the office finished. I do to but it is still overwhelming me a bit. But we will have to tackle it! We'll get it done.

Once I got up I did cook us some dinner and we watched Ruby. I'm really liking that show. That is all I need is another show to keep up with! LOL! After that we watched a little bit of TV and now it is time to go to bed. I am tired. I have lots to do tomorrow. Lots of things to get washed and a I need to make a trip to the store as we are headed for another cold snap that may bring some snow to our area. I know...Texas doesn't get snow that counts but here a little bit of ice and snow shuts down the city so I need to go and get what I need.

I would like for this week to be another good loss. I'd like more than 1.4 lbs but we'll see. I am sure going to try though. Are you with me? Let's work hard this week. We can do it! I know it!

Year 3, Day 74

2010-02-20T23:46:00.002-06:00

I lost 1.4 lbs! That was a miracle with the emotional state I was in this week and still am! I hung on and fought and won the battle this week. Now if I can just get this weight to go back to my lowest weight. I want that so bad. I hate having to re-lose weight all the freakin time!

Here is an awesome quote that I heard walking by the TV when Tiger Woods was doing his thing:

"It's not what you achieve in life, it's what you overcome."

~ Tiger Woods, February 19, 2010

Those are some powerful words for me. Having a brother who achieves in everything he tries and being the one who quits, hasn't achieved much in life (compared to him) and knowing that he has (my brother) some real issues I have overcome alot in my life and I still I am I will overcome and win my food and weight issues. I will do it! I think Tiger is right when you have to overcome one of life's hardest things it is far better than achieving the top of anything in life. I don't know about you but with the issues that I have in my life and ones that I battle the most especially out of what I have gone through this week. This was power, I needed to hear it and I will treasure it. Thank you Tiger Woods!

After WW's we went to Cracker Barrel to have breakfast and really enjoyed talking about our day and the rest of the weekend. After we left there we went by the water company to drop off the water bill and then decided that we should go on to Wal-Mart to get a cartridge for my printer, take back a Blu-Ray that we bought a duplicate of and pick up a few groceries. We ran them home and decided to get our weekly pizza meal out of the way. After all of that we decided that we needed a little nap before we tackled the kitchen pantry. Mark couldn't get me to wake up so he let me sleep a little longer and he worked on our "to shred" box in the office. When I got up we started on the pantry. We had the iPod going and were loving the music and we were pitching things like crazy. I've decided that I am a Pasta Ho! OMG! I have enough pasta to feed a army. I had the fan on and turned around and found Mark running around the kitchen in my black hoodie jacket. I just cracked up. I wished I could have gotten to the camera. We did get hungry around 9:00 or so so he made us a ham sandwich and we kept on working. We got alot done and my pantry is awesome and I know what I have and already have ideas of how to attack getting things used up. I'm done hoarding food! DONE! As soon as I can get through this I am going to shop for 3 days at a time and stop this panic feeling that I have when it comes to not buying everything that is on sale and wanting 10 or more of! SICK! Our food is going to be fresher and I know that we will save money and not be throwing it away. I can't imagine how much money we pitched out to the trash cans this weekend! GROSS!

We had fun with Bert, Ernie and Oliver playing around our feet and playing chase but we did have to break up a few cat fights. Silly boys. We are happy that Oliver is getting use to his new home. Glad that Bert and Ernie are accepting him. I did take some pictures so I get them posted. I couldn't believe when I looked at the pictures that are on the camera that I found food pictures for recipes that I haven't posted and Christmas pictures. SICK TOO!

We went to bed at 2:30 a.m. We slept till nearly 9. Yes it is Sunday and I'm back dating this. You'll have to come back tomorrow to read about what all happens today! Gotta run and get busy! Have a good one!

Year 3, Day 73

2010-02-19T23:18:00.002-06:00

Got up this morning with cats! What a trick it is to feed all 3 boys. Bert and Ernie know to go to their rooms and Oliver will stay in the kitchen. This were I feel so bad because Ernie use to eat in the kitchen. He knows to go to the media room when there is another cat in the house. They are too precious. They are such smart animals but I just don't want Bert and Ernie to think less of us, or that they are loved less because we added Oliver. We got Oliver cause he needed a home and his picture struck Mark at the vet.

I have been doing what Mike said and eating breakfast within 1 hour of getting up. Actually at 45 minutes I fix me something small and will eat my regular breakfast after I have some time to enjoy my several cups of coffee. I have to look at my points differently but I will get use to this because I can't afford to lost 30% of my metabolic rate.

Mark worked on shredding some papers in the office while I paid bills and then we had some lunch and we ran some errands. By the time he got back he took a quick little nap and we got busy cleaning out all 3 freezers and both refrigerators with the exception of the door on the refrigerator in the kitchen. We just felt like we had already had the door open too long. We will get that done tomorrow. I bet we threw away 100 lbs of dead food! SICK! I am a hoarder! Not anymore. I refuse to do this again. I have to get busy cooking and really work towards what Mike has been talking to me about for a year and that is shopping for 2-3 days at a time. I'm really coming to like the idea as the food will always be fresh. However, I am starting to coupon so I am going to have to find a balance. I've got to get more cash flow so that we can work on all of our debt!

I heated up some BBQ chicken from the freezer and I made some BBB asparagus, new potatoes and heated us each up a roll. We watched TV the rest of the evening till I remember that I had to download some music from EMusic or lose them. It didn't take us long to get that done. Then we both were ready for bed as 4:30 comes real early on a Saturday morning!

We still have alot to accomplish. Tomorrow is finishing the refrigerator and doing the pantry. Sunday is finishing up the office. So...I had best get to bed so I can face it all!

Year 3, Day 72

2010-02-18T23:38:00.000-06:00

Got up this morning before Bobbie and Mark. Fed the boys and got me a cup of coffee. Mark got up and shortly after that Bobbie was up.

My parents had all of our slides put onto CD's as a Christmas gift and I just received them in the mail. I enjoyed looking at them this morning. Some had really faded. Made me sad. Wish there was a way to have them restored. Humm...I wonder if you can?

I fixed us egg sandwiches this morning so get got to try the new Bagel Thins that I found. OMG! They were so good and Bobbie was blown away with my 4 pt. breakfast sandwich. I used a Thomas Bagel Thin, 1/2 cup egg beaters scrambled with Pam, Tennessee Pride Breakfast Sausage patti, spray butter and a slice of Kraft 2% American Cheese. YUM!

Bobbie and I messed around on the computer some more showing her websites and showing her how to track her weight on E-Tools. I then got up and went through our pantry gathering things that I could send her a sample home to try. She wanted to go home this morning as she had an appointment with her Personal Trainer. As we were getting her ready to go Mike called and that delayed things a bit. Things were not as tense today and I was relieved.

I came in the media room to get the blog written when Bobbie called from her cell to tell me that Susie (her daughter) called and said that a plane flew into a building in Austin. Mark and I quickly turned on our local stations and starting watching what was going on. As I got some information I called her back and told her what I could. Mark and I had lunch watching the news reports. Mark fell asleep and I fell asleep pretty quickly after that.

Mark woke me up just after 5 as he was headed to the office to put in a estimate that his boss couldn't get to go. He also had worked in the garage finishing up putting the Christmas Lights up. He also took all the plastic grocery bags to recycle at the store. I fixed dinner last night and that was a treat. I finally wrote Wednesday's blog and we watched some TV and watched the boys play with each other. They are so cute. I will have to get some pictures and post them. Oliver is adjusting really well.

Tomorrow is cleaning out the pantry, both refrigerators and the 3 freezers. Lots of old food is going in the trash and I'm getting geared up to start cooking again and saving money using "The Coupon Game" and saving lots of money on groceries. I hope it works like they say it will. We'll see. I will be paying for the service but looking at the lists I can see in one week's time I can save more than I pay! So that will be good. I'm sure that this will also change my cooking habits as well as I will be using things that I save money on as opposed to just buying what I want and need to hell with how much it costs. Going to be different.

I'm feeling better about my issues as Mark and I are talking about me getting a little counseling. We can't afford much probably about 6 sessions. I'm just not sure if that will be enough. Praying that it will. It for sure couldn't hurt and I'm sure that it will start the healing process and hopefully let this pain go. I need to learn to trust people and trust their love. I want to be happy the rest of my life. I sure have spent all of my life being unhappy deep down. I'm good at putting a smile on my face and acting like everything in my world is perfect. I need to stop that too, I think!? Anyway, thanks again for the support. I would covet your prayers as I seek out a counselor and prayer that 6 sessions will go along way with my problem.

Till tomorrow...

Year 3, Day 71

2010-02-17T19:50:00.003-06:00

I'm so sorry that I didn't get this done last night. I guess later is better than never.

First I want to thank you for all the sweet words of support that you have given me while I'm going through this rough time. The comments left here, the emails sent and comments on my Facebook page mean the world to me and has shown me that I have some mighty awesome friends and people who truly care about me.

I had a better day today thanks to Bobbie who came to spend the day and night with me. Who got my mind on other things and to cause me to have alot of fun. I needed that! I can't tell you all how much I needed it! Now to share our day...

I got up and worked out. It went better than yesterday, no freaky heart beats, in fact when I did my 3 min. run I exceeded what I did yesterday at 87%. After I finished working out I got my shower and got dressed and it wasn't very long that Bobbie got here. We unloaded her car and we headed for a trip to Costco. We both found a really cute jacket by Jones of New York. She got a white one and I got a Khaki one yet they had one that was apple green and I'm so into that color right now I really wanted it. We shopped getting all the things that I normally buy and things that Bobbie wanted plus she bought some things for her Weight Watcher journey that I recommended to her. We also bought some of their chicken salad for our lunch, checked out and headed for the house.

I hadn't heard from Mike and I was really upset and worried. On the way home from Costco he called and I about lost it. It was different but we had a good conversation and when he asked me about what I thought about LOST I asked him if he got my text message and her sternly told me "yes, but I am asking your personally" OMG! I knew then that I had better walk carefully. I reminded him that I was bringing Bobbie to his meeting and that I wanted him to re-explain program to her. We talked about Bobbie for a bit and I told him how she had lost 2.6 lbs her first week and he asked me how much she weighed and I got a laugh out of that because I had forgotten what she told me and I couldn't remember and didn't want to guess too high. I told him that she was in the car with me and that I had better get it right. She was laughing at me and fortunately I guessed right.

We got home fixed our sandwiches and chips and then we headed out for a grocery store lesson. I scored big time and finally found the Thomas Bagel Thin!!!! I was so excited. She had a blast going through the store and me showing her all that we use and enjoy on program. I think that I put her on overload with all the information that I had. We rushed home to have a snack. I showed her what it was like to have a 1/2 cup of Fiber One Cereal and a WW yogurt. She flipped out over it. I told her that she would realize that we both would not be hungry till it was time to eat dinner. We were planning to go to Applebee's so that she could see the WW menu and try it. I tried something new that I had seen on one of Kim Bensen's on line videos (you have to pay to be a member and I do that cause it gives me some of the added support that I need). This one paid off. She takes a bottle of Hidden Valley Fat-Free Ranch Dressing and mixes it with the same size bottle of Hidden Valley Light Ranch Dressing. OMG! It tastes just like regular Ranch and you get 2 tablespoons for 1.5 points! Her video says 2 tablespoons for 1 point but I took the nutritional information from both bottles, added them together and the cut them in half cause it was based on 4 Tablespoons and that is what I got. If you like ranch dressing and miss it I highly highly recommend it.

We fixed our little cooler bag of our dressing and butter spray, I put together Mike's stuff that I had bought him, feed the boys and we took off for the meeting. It was a good meeting on eating out. After the meeting we stayed and talked with Mike for a bit. He walked us out to my truck and he got his stuff out of the back seat. I put my stuff in the back seat and he put his arms out to hug me and we hugged and he said to me "Baby, it will be alright, we will work through all of this" I almost lost it. I was so relieved that I still have my mentor and friend. I was really nervous about it all cause I know him and he doesn't mess around with bull-shit or with people that he thinks wastes his time. I was so fearful that after what I said to him that I would be slung into that category in his life.

Bobbie and I left and I called Mark and he met us at Applebee's. We had the best time at dinner all talking and laughing and we all got home and I made some black bean brownies and had some coffee and then it was some lessons on the computer. I showed her how to use E-Tools and we built a couple of recipes. I should her some of my favorite websites and we watched a couple of short videos. Bobbie was worn out...by this time it was after midnight. She was ready for bed and I knew that we all should get some sleep so we all went to bed.

You will have to check back later to hear about my today! You can see I needed today. I really did. Thanks Bobbie!

Year 3, Day 70

2010-02-16T23:46:00.002-06:00

Today started out pretty good.

I got Mark off to work and I grabbed some coffee and a bagel and waited for Mike to call me from the road so that we could talk.

It went pretty well. We talked about some issues. We talked about about portion control and my need to have cheese enchiladas. Mike recommended that I try Amy's Cheese Enchilada dinner. He also told me of a mexican restaurant that I could go and be pretty confident of counting cheese enchiladas the way that we discussed. I will keep that tucked in my memory just in case some day. He agreed with me that it has been way too long since I had them and if they keep coming up that I need to take the points and have them. We talked about Ruby and how the show was having an affect on me. I brought up my past and Mike had a few words for me. Just enough that about 3-4 hours later they kicked me in the butt as I recalled a conversation that we had about the same issue back during the holidays. All about me not feeling loved. He is really wanting me to eat within an hour of waking up. He thinks that because I wait nearly 3 hours before I eat that it may just be causing me problems and stalling my weight loss. He told me that if you don't eat within that first hour you metabolic rate drops 30% That is huge!!! I've heard him say this many times but I guess it just never stuck. It has now.

After we hung up I talked to my friend Bobbie briefly and then I got my workout in. I also had a mid-morning snack. By the time I finished my workout it was noon and about the time Mike said that I should be having my lunch. We talked about me having the Amy Enchiladas for lunch. I still needed to shower and wash my hair so I fixed a sandwich and got my shower and got dressed and headed for the store.

I found the enchiladas that he recommended but the size of the box concerned me as to whether or not it would be enough so I also bought some vegetable enchiladas and I finished my shopping, checked out, loaded up the truck and headed home. Mike called me on the way home asking me if I had moved the dresser to get my satellite radio going. I just laughed and told him no but I told him that I did work out.

I also told him that I did a 3 minute run and I ran at 80% which was my highest on the Wii Fit. The other scary thing that happened is my heart started beating all kinds of strange and I had a tightness in my chest. I quickly sat down and took some deep breaths and waited for my heart to calm down before I continued my workout. I just ran way too hard. It scared him as well but I also reminded him that I hadn't exercised in 2 weeks and I now that I just pushed too hard! The rest of the workout did not cause any problems.

We started talking about the enchiladas and the points and I told him about buying the extra packages of the vegetable ones. He told me that he did not want me to add to the dinner. He told me that I had to stop hoarding food. We had another real long conversation about it all as I sat in my driveway with the truck running. I the apologized to him about bringing up my past to him again this morning. I told him that about 2-3 hours later I recalled our last conversation and I how sorry that I had forgotten all the good advice he had given me. I then told him that I have decided to write every single day "I will forget my past and the pain as I can't go back and change it, the past is the past and it needed to stay there and I need to move on." I went further to tell him that I was going to list everyday who loved me. He told me that the list should be pretty long. Then I made a very fatal mistake or so I feel right now. I told him that there was only one name on my list and that was Mark. He told me that he felt sorry for me and went on to tell me that he could be trusted and that he did love me and I was a very valued friend. He reminded me that what he does for me was not in his job description as a leader. He told me that he did it cause he cares and because we are friends. He said some other things which I can't recall tonight and then went back to talking about how I could make this little frozen dinner into a meal and how I was going to have to start working at it.

The more he talked the more I realized his love for me and my heart started breaking into a thousand pieces. He kept talking but I got so quiet he kept asking me if I was there. Though I was choked up I managed to tell him that I was still there. By the time we hung up I was near bawling cause I knew that I had hurt him badly. I felt awful. I really wanted to die. He has given so much of himself daily. He doesn't have to. What a slap in the face did I give him. I unloaded the truck bawling my eyes out. I could hardly see putting things up. I ended up texting him and apologizing and telling him that I knew that he loved me and that I loved him too and how much his friendship means to me. No response.

Mark got home and I told him all about what happened. He knew of our conversation from the morning and as I was crying and telling Mark, Mark told me that he thought things would be o.k. Me...I'm not too sure. I know Mike.

I fixed our dinner adding some baked tostitos and salsa and some Mission Carb Balance Tortillas. It wasn't much food but Mike was right it was enough. We watched Lost and I was sure that I would hear from him. He said that he was anxious to hear what I thought about the enchiladas. I broke down and texted him again and thanked him for the tip of the enchilada dinner and how much it took care of my craving. I told him what I did to enhance the dinner and what I planned to do with the remaining points of the day. Nothing.

My eyes hurt from crying. I don't know what to think. I need my mentor. Most of all I need my friend. My stupid mouth.

I'm such a freaking idiot. I belong in a psych ward! I'm really sick...

Year 3, Day 69

2010-02-15T23:02:00.002-06:00

Today was another HELL day!

I spent most of the morning talking to and encouraging my friend Bobbie on her new journey as she was driving home from San Antonio after spending the weekend with her husband Doug. Right now he is working out of town so Bobbie spends alot of her time on the road. Bless her Heart. Really bless them both as I can only imagine what it would be like if Mark had to work out of town all the time!

We went over what all she had eaten over the weekend and as we talked she realized things that she didn't count. I told her everything that goes into her mouth needs to go down on paper no matter how small. I need to have the BLT discussion with her when she comes on Wednesday. She is doing great and really was good at guessing some of her points. Her fatal issue when she joined was that she didn't buy a kit. You can't do this program without the Dining Out Guide and the Complete Food Companion. They are must have. I have 3 Dining Out companions and 2 Complete Food plus access to the computer plus the app on my iPhone. I have no excuse. Bobbie doesn't really care for the computer so she really needs those two books. I have to commend her for doing program as well as she has this week. Her weigh in is tomorrow. One concern we both have is she has high blood pressure and can't handle alot of sodium in her diet. She had way too much this weekend and she knows that she is retaining fluid! But she has a positive attitude. I just wish it would wear off on me.

I know must of you know about the show on Style called "Ruby". Well, I've started watching it and her show "Ruby the first 100 lbs" kinda did me in. This evening I watched the beginning of this years show twice and she is dealing with the psychological issues of being trapped in her obese body and as you know Mike has already told me that I need to be in counseling. He also told me that it was going to take 2 of them to get me to goal. This evening it hit me like a ton of bricks. There is a reason why this has happened to me. I have established that I am addicted to food and I'm willing to learn to live with it and I feel like I am making progress in this area. At least I haven't gone to a fast food restaurant and bought 4 meals and consumed all at once in a long time. I know that my warped head feels like I'm not loved. The competition that my brother gave me and my parents allowed have caused great grief in my life and is an issue that I can't seem to resolve. I know it is ridiculous but it is a fact. I have felt and still feel like they love my brother more than me, they give him more approval than me, I've talked to them about this and they tell me how much they love me and that they are proud of me but for some reason my head is just screwed up. I know as a adult that those childhood feelings are ridiculous but the fact is I felt them. At times they creep in. I know that this is the root of my pitty party.

I long to be loved and accepted. Who doesn't? I watch shows like The Bachelor and wonder why I have never been adored like that. However, I know that Mark loves me unconditionally and that he has been with me through some of the toughest times in my life and I'm secure that he will never leave me. But why do I feel the need to be adored? This is crazy. If only we weren't so much in debt and could afford for me to go back into counseling and explore some of these crazy warped feelings! I really need to get this straightened out. I scares the crap out of me that this is the root of the self destruction that I seem to keep going through. Why I want to quit everything I start. Why I quit things that I'm successful or talented at. This is nuts.

I've never had alot of friends, I seem to run them all off. My best childhood friend has told me that Mark will have many jewels in heaven for putting up with me. She no longer will take my calls, answer letters. Why? I'm sure it is this negativity side of me that comes through that people run from. I want friends...lots of them...I want to get out and do things...I want to be positive...I hate me! I really hate me!

So...today is a crazy blog. Maybe just maybe things may come to head soon. I'm tired of being sad, tired of feeling unloved, unlovable, tired if deep down wishing that I wasn't here, wasn't born, poor excuse of life. I'm sick of it. Bottom line...I need help. Someway somehow.

OK...pity party over with. I got alot off my chest today. I needed to. Thanks for listening. I promise that tomorrow will be a better day. Mike and I are scheduled to have a talk in the morning. I texted him today and told him that I was having a rough day and was being a whiny butt and that he probably didn't want to talk to me. He honored that. I did text him earlier tonight and told him that I needed to talk and asked him to call in the morning. He texted me back and said that he would.

Now for a new psyc lesson. Maybe he will have words to work on this screwed up head.

I did manage my points today. I don't know how...probably caused I slept most of the afternoon. But I am grateful that I made it. Now to make it tomorrow.

One day at a time...That is all we can do!

Year 3, Day 68

2010-02-14T23:17:00.004-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope it was a beautiful day for all of you! It was a lazy day here.

We got up and found Oliver on the couch. Shocked us! Mark said that last night he was on the couch when he went to bed. We locked Bert and Ernie up to eat their breakfast and let Oliver eat in the living room as he got under one of the end tables once we got up. He walked around a bit looking for the boys. I went down the hall way to get Oliver and when I went to pick him up he growled and hissed at me. Wrong thing to do. I'm not afraid of cats so I whisked him up and he continued to growl and hiss at me. Silly boy. He jumped out of my arms and the little booger let Mark pick him up, hold him and pet him all without incidence. He must like men!

We drank coffee while I messed around on the computer and Mark made me my favorite Fiber One muffins for breakfast. We watched HGTV and just decided to have a lazy day. Mark needed a haircut so I call my hairdresser (who is open on Sunday's) and she could work him in at 3:45 this afternoon. He needed a hair cut so bad! He hadn't had a haircut since before Christmas I hate to say.

Mark also fixed us ham sandwiches for lunch. I was going to make a special Valentine dinner but couldn't get in the mood. We decided to put the special one off till next weekend when he will be off for 4 days. I was planning to make some pasta and have a salad and garlic bread but about the time I got ready to get up and start putting it all together our power blipped off and back on> That went on for about 15 minutes and it finally went off and stayed off. Mark made it out to the garage and got a flashlight and he decided that we would just go out to dinner since we had no power. So he measured us out some chips as I went and got dressed by flashlight and we had to open our iron gate with the key and we went out to the famous On The Border! Our hang out! Luckily we got there before the whole subdivision thought of the same idea! LOL! I'm telling you there was a huge section of our subdivision plus another one with the power out.

By the time we got back home the power was back on so we came in and got into our comfy clothes and Mark made us a new flavor K-Cup that we just got...German Chocolate Cake! OMG! It tastes just like having a piece too! I'm sure that it will be one that Amazon will have to ship often! Right now I have it set up on a every six month rotation but trust me this may move to a once a month order! LOL!

Mark watched the History Channel and I played games on the computer. We got a e-mail from Oliver's Dad asking how the boys were doing and as I was writing him Mark told me that Oliver was on the couch again. After I wrote him a long e-mail about how worried I was about Oliver adjusting and his growling and hissing at me, I went into the living room with my iPhone and caught Ernie and Oliver playing! What a sight it was to behold. I took several pictures with my phone. They all are too dark to post here but I promise to catch them in the act with our camera. I quickly e-mailed the pictures to Oliver's Dad and I'm waiting to hear back from him. I know that he will be shocked just like we are!

Mark has gone to bed cause this is his early week. He decided that tonight we would leave our bedroom door open and we'll see what happens. Right now Ernie is where he usually is...next to me in the media chair asleep. Not sure where Bert and Oliver are. Sweet Boys! I sure hope that this is signs that it is going to work out!

Jilly, thanks you for your encouragement today. I need it! I'm just so frustrated but I will keep going. I have to. I have no choice. This will be life for me like it or not. I just need to make the best of it and I need to get back to exercising every single day and working on those healthy guidelines. Today my eating wasn't the best but I'm letting it go and I plan on making the rest of the week a good week. I'm not over my points or anything but I don't have very many flex points left. That's o.k. I can bank my AP's! THANK YOU LORD!

So...tomorrow is a new day. I will go after it with determination. I will try to smile and enjoy it! It is all that I can do!

So...I hope everyone has a great week. Valentine's is over and it is time to move on! Right?

Let's go! Continue on! Are you with me?

Year 3, Day 67

2010-02-13T23:53:00.003-06:00

In a bad mood!

Up 4.2 lbs!

SICK OF THIS!

Just want to eat the house down! I can't help it! I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride! I know that I didn't have a good week but not bad enough to substantiate such a gain!

I just want to quit! QUIT!!!!!!

Mike and I talked and he thinks it is sodium and I say NOT! I've tracked it and I don't think that is the problem but I will do what he says. He promises that we are going to get to the bottom of this. I hope soon. Not sure how much more I can take. No consistent weight loss since October! This is nuts!

I just saw on the WW boards that a girl lost 251 lbs. in less than 2 freakin years! She is a year younger than me! I don't freaking get it. I work so hard at this and it seems like the last 4 months or so there hasn't been any reward. GRRRRRRR!!!!!

I need to take my whiney butt away today!

I will track my freakin sodium Mike! I hope you come up with a different plan! I hope you are hearing me....

I'M SO SICK OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Year 3, Day 66

2010-02-12T23:14:00.002-06:00

What a day...dealing with 3 cats. Not real sure that this is even going to work out. My Ernie is so upset. When I hold him he just growls and whines and tells me all about it. He will still let me hold him and kiss on him but he will not stay in the media room because Oliver has taken up residency under a media chair. We have the house open up except for the Guest Room and our bedroom because we don't want him to take up residency under the beds. Oh yes, we also have the utility room closed because the first thing that he did was try to go behind the washer and dryer!

It was a quiet day but I worried about Bert and Ernie and how Oliver was affecting them. I felt so bad cause they slept on the living room couches and usually they are in the same room with me! At least Ernie is. I hate this! Bert and Oliver will pass each other and just look and do nothing but Olive hisses at Ernie and Ernie hisses back and then he growls at him. I WILL NOT LET THIS CONTINUE TO AFFECT MY ERNIE. One week totally and if things are not tons better Oliver will have to leave and his family will have to find someone who doesn't have any other cats!

I struggled all day long with eating. I know that my weight is up and I'm so frustrated with it all I just want to eat. You know just have everything that I haven't allowed which also is telling me how much this has become a diet! Not good. I want some ribs, I want some cheese enchiladas period! Nothing else is really calling my name but I just want to eat out of frustration. I did exceed my points today bad! Not enough to substantiate the gain that I'm seeing but I didn't stay within my daily target. Oh well. Saturday starts a new fresh week and we will try again.

I slept alot again and this is driving me nuts. I don't know why I am so sleepy and tired. If it continues into this next week I am going to the Dr.!

Mark brought home dinner and we watched LOST. I didn't see it the other night but Mark did. I was on the phone so I needed to catch up. It was so good.

We spent the rest of the evening watching HGTV and Mark says he is ready for bed. I have to go with him because we lock Bert and Ernie up in our bedroom with us at night. So...there you have it. A real interesting day. A bad day! I'm not proud but I will continue on. I won't let it get to me or stop me!

Year 3, Day 65

2010-02-11T23:26:00.002-06:00

We have a new member of the family...

Oliver is here and it taking up alot of my time! I'm worried about him and I'm more worried about Bert and Ernie as I don't want them to think that they were not enough for us.

Oliver's Dad Luis, came and stayed for a couple of hours. Of course Oliver just wanted to hide and he did most of the day. After Luis left, I fell asleep and slept all afternoon. Mark woke me up! SHAME! This has to stop. I feel like I have a sleeping illness.

Mark was able to see Oliver last night and even picked him up. He's alot bigger than our boys. Bert seems to be o.k. but Ernie is doing alot of growling and they both are hissing. OMG...What have I done??????

Mark says that we have to give it some time. Oliver isn't eating. That worries me, but Mark says that when he gets hungry enough he will eat. I sure hope so.

We had chili and potatoes from Wendy's and watched the Biggest Loser. I was happy with who got sent home! Now the husband needs to go! Just my opinion.

Well, Mark is wanting to go to bed so I guess I better follow since we are locking Bert and Ernie up with us and letting Oliver roam the house during the night.

So...pray that this will all work out and the 3 boys will bond and be brothers...Pray for me to stay calm and have some patience!

Till tomorrow...

Year 3, Day 64

2010-02-10T23:17:00.002-06:00

Day was a blur...

I don't know what is wrong with me but all I want to do is sleep and today I could not keep my eyes open to save my life! If Mike hadn't called me at 3:30 I think I would have slept till Mark got home from work. It was a good thing that he called cause I was planning to take him the Kim's Pop Cakes that I got on Sunday. After we talked for a few minutes, I jumped in the shower and got dressed, fed the cats and left for the meeting.

Fun day huh? WEIRD! If this continues I am going to have to call the Dr. but I have a feeling I know what is causing it. I missed my meds up about a week and a half ago and this might be caused from taking my Zoloft!

I went to Mike's meeting and it was on exercise. Well, I'm failing badly in that department this week. Just too tired. My weight is showing it too. I'm up right now and I know that I haven't been eating as well as I was last week and the week before. Could there be something to really eating the right way? I guess this week will be a test for me. I'm so sick of this and I'm totally bored with it. I know alot of it is because I'm not cooking and not planning and just fooling around with this. You know I've been doing this long enough that it should be my life style. Why do I feel that it is not? I can't give up and I will not quit. I won't.

Tonight I wore a black wool jacket that my parents gave me a long time ago. It is a timeless style. But when they gave it to me the sides of the coat barely wrapped my hips. Today...OMG! it is way too big but I wore it any way. The front now over laps each other by about 6"!!!! Talk about being shocked! I felt small! I'm not but I felt that way and it was a wonderful feeling.

After the meeting I came home and picked up Mark and we did our weekly On The Border night out. I showed Mark how the jacket was fitting and he was shocked as well. We had a great dinner and great conversation. On the way home I check my cell and had a text message from my friend Bobbie so I called her and we talked on the way home and for a bit once we got home. She is amazed at what all she can have on WW's. Maybe her excitement about program will rub off on me. I had sent her a huge email of all the things that we buy and enjoy on a regular basis. It blew her away.

Mark and I cleaned on the house for awhile because tomorrow we are getting Oliver. I'll be glad for this to be over with. It has seemed like it has taken forever! He is suppose to come at 10 in the morning. My feelings...very mixed. More than anything I don't want Bert and Ernie to feel any rejection or that they are loved less. I just want to give a poor kitty whose family should have never gotten him a home that will love him and give up on him. We will be Oliver's 3rd owner and this baby is just a little over a year old. OMG! It is so cruel. Their reasons for giving up this cat is just absurd! The mother can't deal with cat hair...HELLO...HAVE A CAT YOU LIVE WITH HAIR, YOU EAT HAIR BUT YOU LOVE THEM ANYWAY AND YOU CLEAN UP AFTER THEM ON A DAILY BASIS! ACK!!!!!

We had a good cup of coffee and a brownie bar from WW. Put me over my points by 2. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I will get on the Wii again and burn some calories and leave the activity points alone. Maybe it will all work out in the wash!

Stay tuned. I bet I have some good Oliver stories tomorrow. I will make this a good OP day and I hope that you all will too!

Year 3, Day 63

2010-02-09T23:24:00.000-06:00

I hate when you have something scheduled in the middle of the day!

You can't hardly start something before it is time you have to leave. At least that is how I feel about it all. Also by the time you get home the day is winding down.

I had an appointment today with a new dermatologist. This guy blew my mind! I went mainly to get skin care help on my legs to help cut down on my chances of getting anymore leg infections. Get this...he wants me to mix up a solution of 1 part bleach to 3 parts water in a spray bottom and spray my legs, groin, under arms 3 times a week. Suggest a cream to use 4 times a day and a prescription to use twice a day. He then proceeds to tell me that I don't have lymphedema but venous insufficiency. What?!!!!! He thinks that I need to see a plastic surgeon as at the appropriate time will benefit from a total leg lift and work done on the veins in my leg. Well...I'll do the bleach and cream things but this other? I think that I am going to have a get another opinion before I take this journey, besides I'm not ready for any of this! I still have alot of weight to lose.

I stopped at the store on the way home to see if Kroger's had the new Thomas Bagel Thins and they didn't but I did score on my Beeman's chicken sausage on a good sale so I bought several of those. I then headed home cause I was so hungry.

Had some lunch and wanted to close my eyes for a few before I worked out and started dinner. I was trying to fall asleep driving and I didn't want to work out on a full stomach. I slept till 5:00! OMG! I just can't let myself do this! It is bad. I slept through 2 phone calls on top of it so that should tell you just how tired I was!

I got up and fed the boys and returned one of the phone calls. My best friend Bobbie joined WW yesterday. I have been praying about her joining for along time. Bless her heart she has some serious health issues and weight loss is the key for her turning them around. I know that you can't force someone to lose weight but she has finally reached the point that she wants to get serious and she chose WW to do it. So we talked for almost 2 hours about everything.

Mark brought dinner home since I was busy with Bobbie and we tried to watch Lost when I got another phone call. So...I'm so happy that I DVR'd LOST so I can go back and see it without any interruptions. After the show I started working on a list of things that we use on program for Bobbie. Mark took some boxes to recycle and got the mail. We got the worse news. We do balanced billing on our electric and it is going up $80 a month. We don't get it. Nothing has changed so I spent the rest of the night pulling light bills to see if we can find the problem or what could cause it. Mark talked to the Light Company last night but got nowhere. We are not done with this deal. So...I'm bused...I need to get to bed! It is nearly 2 a.m.

Year 3, Day 62

2010-02-08T23:57:00.002-06:00

Today was just a screwed up day! I made a list like Marina encouraged me to. I got Mark off to work and I caught up some here and then I got signed up for the Coupon Game which I think is an awesome thing and I can tell that we are fixing to save a whole hell of alot of money. Different lifestyle but hey if we can take a $600 grocery budget and save more than half of that I'm for it. I went to the store to get a few things that we needed and when I got home I cratered!

I am so overwhelmed with the house right now. While I was gone over the weekend Mark built out the media closet. That means there is another closet worth of crap sitting all over the house. OMG! You can hardly get in here. I'm so furious at him. He has bugged and bugged and bugged me about building it out and I have told him till I'm blue in the face NO! NOT UNTIL WE GET CAUGHT UP ON ALL THE OTHER PROJECTS THAT ARE NOT FINISHED YET!!!!!! I just want to hurt him bad!

The real bad thing is we are suppose to get Oliver this week. This house is a mess. Marina can attest to that! Now it is even worse. I just don't know where to begin. DAMN YOU MARK!

When I was younger I could handle this kind of a mess. Now being a menopausal witch NOT! When Mike called this afternoon he picked up on my mood and kept asking me if I was o.k. I didn't want to get into with him. He asked me if I was down and I told him that I just didn't feel good and that I was tired. He asked if I was depressed and I said No and he said to me "You have a tendency to want to sleep all the time when you are depressed" (Shit head!) I'm not depressed I'm way overwhelmed! I again just told him that I wasn't feeling good. We hung up and he called me back 5 minutes later to bug me about it all again. I told him what Mark had done and he agreed that he should have done it if I requested for him not to. Mike told me to make Mark deal with the mess. I told him that I was.

I just watched TV this evening and Mark worked on cleaning up some of his disaster. At least I can walk in the entry. The media room...I could just scream and of course this is the room that we spend the most time in. The kitchen, dining, and living room is all a disaster so I guess that is where I will start when I can figure out where?!!!!!

I had a hard time controlling my points today. Thank God for Flex Points. They saved my day. Some how I need to get Mark to understand not to upset my world. It is just not a good thing! Tomorrow has to be better! The only bad thing is I have a flippin Dr.'s appointment as 12:10! Of all things to break up my day.

My agenda tomorrow...the dining room, kitchen, excercise and the Dr. I will cook dinner too!

Let's see if I can do it....

Year 3, Day 61

2010-02-07T22:28:00.002-06:00

Marina, got up before me and when I woke up she was quietly reading and softly told me that I didn't have to get up yet. Well, I did cause the bathroom was calling my name and once I'm up I'm up! She had already showered and dressed so I jumped in the shower and got dressed and packed everything up and when we got downstairs it still was dark. It was 6:45! We looked at each other and both of us looked at our watches. Very strange that it was still dark outside. We decided that we would have a cup of coffee and visit before we got on the road to head home.

Marina had the coolest book and I am going to have to find it. It was entitled Eat This, Not That and it showed a picture of a really rich version of a food and then showed a lighter recipe. It was also full of all kinds of tips. Really cool book! We sat and looked through it and talked about things. We got up and got a refill of our coffee and we took off for Waco to pick up her son Paul for breakfast.

The navigation system, failed us again! LOL! But Marina got us turned around and on the right route. There was construction and it caused us to miss a turn. We got to Paul's apartment on time and he was waiting for us. We went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. He is such a wonderful young man...great looking, sweet, very well mannered, kinda quiet but I could tell that if he knew you well he would open up and be hysterical. He thinks the world of his Momma cause he told me so! I have no doubt that Marina and Bruce raised their kids right! We took Paul back to his apartment and we continued our journey home.

Marina and I talked and talked. We both were so tired and we both were having a hard time staying awake so we talked about everything. I probably talked her arm off. In fact I know that I did. Sorry Marina! While we were in "The Ville" Andrea had told us about a new product called Kim's Pop Cakes that were "the thing" going around her WW group> They are a huge thin disc that is very airy and 4 of them is only a point. She got them at the Central Mark in Ft. Worth. Well we happen to have a Central Market in Houston so on the way home I looked them up on my phone and called and they were "popping" some at the time and they told me that they could hold me some. I had them hold 10 bags of the things. Marina said that she wouldn't be able to get down there so I knew by going I could come back by her house and drop off some for her to try. I also wanted to get enough to give some to Mike to try. I had no idea what these things were like till I got to Central Market to pick up them up. They are awesome! I will have to take a picture of them and get them up on the blog.

In fact, I have been thinking about creating a new page on the site and putting all my food finds on it so that you can try to locate them in your market!

So once Marina dropped me off at home, Mark and I jumped in the car and went to Brother's to have our weekly pizza meal and then we headed for Central Market. Mark dropped me off at the door and I went in. That place is a zoo on Sunday's! After we finished there we went by Marina's with a surprise drop off! It was so funny and felt so good to surprise her. She is so sweet and giving of herself.

We then went to Costco for a few things and then home where we watched the Superbowl and were so happy that the Saints won! That is such a cool thing for New Orleans. After all they have gone through it was cool to see that happen. Of course I think that the best team should win and the Saints played well deserved to win.

I didn't think that the commercials were that good this year. I loved the half time show "The Who" It wasn't the best, you could tell their age but it did bring back some pretty happy memories from another point of time in m life. I did like the Dorito commercial with the dog. Crack me up!

I crashed and burned right after that. So...there was my Sunday...

Year 3, Day 60

2010-02-06T21:39:00.008-06:00

I just got back to the hotel after a long day. I'm exhausted as I got about 3 hours sleep!

Forgive me but I will catch this up tomorrow as soon as I hit the door.

Hard day, sad day, happy day...

Well, I didn't keep my promise! I will catch you up on Saturday and then I will go and write yesterday's blog. Bear with me.

Marina, came and picked me up and we started our journey to "The Ville" (as the cookies call it!) We talked ourselves silly about all kinds of things. I'm sure Marina would agree with me that we did that to keep from crying all the way. My heart was so heavy. It was great getting to catch up with Marina, it had been way too long.

Marina had printed maps to use on the way and Mark also printed and marked maps for us. Marina had GPS and she had that going. Just outside of Waco, she hands me a map to navigate. OMG! I screwed up and got us on the wrong road. A journey through areas we didn't know where we were caused Marina to get flipped off by another driver. THE NERVE!!!! We finally got back on the right track and were both dying laughing by this time. We pulled into "The Ville" about the time we thought we would get there. In fact it was a bit earlier than we thought. We decided that we would look for the funeral home first. Little did we know we passed it on the way to look for it. We drove into town and commented what a neat place to live. The old architecture, the town square was so neat. We found the college that Kim worked at and then we decided we had better get some lunch. We drove trying to find somewhere for lunch. I used my iPhone app to try and locate a eatery and we decided that we needed something quick so that we could find the funeral home and meet up with another "cookie" Andrea! Well, chief navigator (me!) got us lost trying to find Sonic but I fixed it using the iPhone and worried Marina a bit when I took her through a neighborhood using the navigator map on my phone over to a Sonic. We saw Sonic but we also saw a McDonald's so we decided that we wanted McDonald's instead. Got went in and grabbed a grilled chicken sandwich and some fries and ate quickly. When we found the funeral home we cracked up because it was sitting on our left when we reached the first red light coming into "The Ville".

After a couple of calls to Andrea we all hooked up. Andrea made us all ribbons to wear. They were so cool. The cookies "Love Leopard Prints! and she took some leopard print ribbon and laid a thinner pink ribbon on top and made us pins to wear. I will always treasure this! Thank you so much Andrea. Another "cookie" Peggy made angel necklaces and sent them to Kim's daughter BriAnne to give out at the funeral. They were made by tying a pick ribbon onto a metal paper clasp (the ones if you turn them the right way resembles a angel dress with wings. She tied the ribbon through them and placed a bed that slid down the ribbon to hold the paper clasp in place. Marina took pictures and I asked her to send them to me but I can't open them. Once I get them I'll come back and add them to the blog. I'll let you all know. They are a must see!

We visited before the services started avoiding a slide show of our Kim! It was so hard to watch it but we all finally managed through teary eyes. They even put a picture of her in a bikini! I know Kim was flipping out looking down upon us. She was such a beautiful person, inside and out. The service was really hard and her pastor had many great stories and things to share about Kim. I learned some things about her. Her love for youth and I understand why her email started with KIMSPLACE01...Her and Jay had the love for youth and they converted their garage into a huge room and the youth from their church were always there hanging out. Her pastor talked about how Kim's light always shined and that her request is that we all let our lights shine. The music in her service was so moving we all were nearly sobbing. There were lots of beautiful flowers there and beautiful pictures of Kim placed on easels.

At the closing of the services the pastor told everyone that they could greet the family. We stayed in our chairs as there were standing room only at her service. It was huge! Kim was so loved in her community. The first glimpses at BriAnne, Ben and Jay were hard and I know they will be engraved in our hearts. Marina gave a little wave at BriAnne and she eventually came over to us and we told her that we were "the Cookies" we all hugged her and had special things to say to her. She is so precious! Beautiful like Kim, reminded all of us of Kim. She is an awesome young lady. A couple of Kim's closest friends came up and we all started talking then her son Bed came up. We just about missed Jay as he was loading up flowers and we went running out of the funeral home to give him our condolences.

We decided to go and check into our room and visit for a bit as we had some time before the private gathering at Kim's home. Again, Marina gave me a map and I did what it said which was head SW and the sun was setting to the left of where we were and so I told her to take a left! OMG! The map was starting at a different point so we really needed to go SE! Once I got Kim's address plugged in my phone I got us over to Kim's house. Poor Andrea was following us and we had to call her and tell her how I screwed it all up and she was laughing and said that she was o.k. We did make it over to Kim's house!

Once we got inside BriAnne came up and we all started talking then Jay came up and joined in. Marina asked Jay to take some pictures of us together. Then we went into their bedroom where Jay gave us all some of Kim's belongs. Marina got the blanket that some of the "Cookies" knitted and crocheted squares for that was sent to Kim, I was given a leopard print hat and gloves that Kim wore and Andie got a cape trimmed in leopard print and Jay gave her all of Kim's knitting supplies and she told Jay that she would share it with all the cookies and make sure that Kim's yard went into future throws that are needed to be sent out.

We said our tearful good-byes to Kim's family. It was so hard and we all walked back to our cars with tears streaming down our faces. Andrea headed back home to Ft. Worth and Marina and I headed for Chili's for dinner. We had to wait for a table so we decided to wait in the bar and have a drink. Of course just as we got our drinks our table was ready. We placed our "OP" order and visited and told stories.

We both were exhausted and we left Chili's and drove across the street back over the hotel and headed for the room worn out. Marina posted to "The Cookies" we both got ready for bed. I started to blog but my eyes were so heavy and Marina was almost asleep so I just called it a night!

I want to share this as I feel this written by Jay, it was on the inside of Kim's program...

Grab a tissue...

From Dark to Light

Today we celebrate a special life with family and friends.

Unfortunately, it was not always filled with happiness. There were days of darkness, and others filled with anger, and I wondered why she was chosen to be in such danger. I cried out 'why is this happening, what did she do?' I was scared and felt helpless for what she would go through.

As days and months went by, I saw her change and helped her cope and discovered the meaning of hope. I wondered how to comfort her, and someone told me there would be angels by her side.

She is in a much better place today than she has been over the past few years and she had family and friends to thank for that. She wanted me to tell you that YOU ALL were the angels by her side.

RIP My Sweet Kim! You will always be in my heart!