Year 3, Day 146

I got up tired and had a list a mile long to get done before my parents hit town. I had a few things to finish up with the house but I also had errands to run, a meal to prep and I needed some "me" time so that I would emotionally be ready for my parents. It hasn't helped that I had to ask my Dad to stop reading this blog because all it did was upset him when I was upset. I knew with the start of counseling that if I happened to choose to talk about it here that I wasn't sure I wanted him to drop in since some of my issues have to do with my growing up and some strong feelings that I have lived with for 46 years. (Now you can figure out how old I am! LOL!)

Anyway, I got Mark off to work and then I decided to just throw on some clothes and hit 3 different grocery stores and the bank. I got it all done but I didn't get home till nearly noon. I quickly called my parents and they were about to leave so I knew then my time was going to be tight. I grabbed some lunch and put up the groceries and finished up with the things that needed to be done around the house, hopped in the shower so that I would be clean and they got here as I was cleaning the granite in the kitchen. Everything was fine as I got them coffee and they got settled in and we had the usual small talk. They hadn't stopped for lunch so Dad was looking around for something to munch on and I offered to make them a sandwich but they didn't want me to do it. They know that I cook large meals.

My two nieces showed up about the same time and they came in and I got out the chips and salsa for something to munch on while I finished up the lasagna. Once I got it all put together and sat down my nieces asked me how my weight-loss was coming and I told them that I had lost last week and they were so happy for me. My Mom then asked me what my highest weight was and I told her the highest was 468 but this time around it was 427. I also said that I was close to having 200 lbs off from my highest weight and when it happened I didn't know what I was going to do. She started in on me. "Why you will be happy!" and I said "They will probably have to call 911" (meaning because I would be so hysterically happy) and she took it as it being bad so you know where she was heading.

I know that I shouldn't have waited this long to write this blog but I have had to sort through some things and get away from other things and now I'm not sure I can remember exactly like it all played out but I will share with you the best that I can remember.

My mom gets on the topic of the counselor being able to help me and how ridiculous she thought that I needed one. The conversation got pretty heated and I asked her not to go there and my nieces kept trying to make her understand that my feelings were mine and they were real and her feelings didn't have to be the same as mine. I don't remember how we got to the topic of how I felt growing up and my feelings about my brother but we went there. I told here that my feelings at 7 years old were real that I really felt like they loved Robby more than me. I told her that it was unfair how I got my butt beat for that! She told me that I had a vivid imagination and I lost it! You don't imagine feelings that well up from your toes. You don't cry yourself to sleep at night as a child feeling like this. You don't feel like you had never been born and you don't feel like you would never wake up! Do you? IF THE FEELINGS WERE NOT REAL????

OMG! You can only imagine how this went. It is probably a good thing that I can't recall every word spoken. I know that I will at some point in time but I'm still reeling for it all. My two nieces were crying. I know at one point in the conversation I told my mother that I had never felt loved by this family. My nieces went berserk! Melanie grabbed my hand and started going "You know that I love you Aunt Laura, don't you?" and Meredith got up and ran to me and threw her arms around me telling me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. My mother didn't say a word. My nieces were apologizing for how my brother makes me feel and I was telling them it wasn't their place that Mom should have taught him better. I was bawling and the pain inside of me was almost more than I could bear. My Dad came in at some point in time and said a few words and I don't remember exactly what he said but he said something about let the counselor handle my feelings and let her help me work through them. About that time the buzzer on the oven rang and the lasagna was done but nothing else was ready so I jumped and wipe the tears from my face and moved double time to get dinner on the table.

We made it through the night without another incident. I was wanting to die inside. I was so angry that my mother wouldn't take my warning when I said "Let's not go there" and continued to push me to exploding. I hate that my nieces had to see first hand my pain. I fear that this has had an affected on them because when they left they both told me that they would see me in 2 weeks. I don't want them to say anything to Rob and I fear that they will tell him how shitty he has treated me. OMG! It is a mess. But we made it through the evening o.k. I texted Mike and told him that I had a melt-down and needed to talk. I knew that he wouldn't call but would make sure that he will talk to me tomorrow. Boy do I have alot to say.

Mark doesn't know what happened because he was at work when it all went down. I'll have to tell him tonight before we hit the way.

I hope I can make it till I get them to the airport! I need some time before they come back. Luckily I will see Anna the day they come in. Hopefully she will be able to help me.