Year 3, Day 141

I don't know what happened but maybe it was backlash from my session yesterday. I fell into my not wanting to do a single thing mode!

Bobbie and I talked for awhile this morning and right now I don't know what I would do without her. She understands so much and sits and listens and encourages me. She is the greatest friend.

Mike called on his way to his meeting and we chatted a bit. I made the mistake of saying to him when he said to me "I'm so tired!" and I go "I know cause you haven't been yourself" He goes "What makes you say that?" (here is my mistake) "You have made me feel like you are ready to throw me away!" OMG! I got a lecture of "You are too sensitive and blah, blah, blah" I just finally just said to him "Mike, I'm just screwed up" and of course he agreed. He finally got off the subject and I was so pissed off I really don't remember what else he said.

I got blessed with a couple more phone calls from him in the afternoon. I also had to get the house picked up because Oliver's family was going to come and see him. They haven't seen him since we got him. I felt so sorry for the kids! Having to give up their kitty and then go to some one's place and see him run from you and hide and not want to play. Bert and Ernie played with them more than Oliver. He finally warmed up as they were getting ready to leave. I bet it was hard on the kids to leave him. Luis, their Dad seemed to be happy how he has blended into our family and seemed to be well adjusted and happy. If this was all about him wanting to know about Oliver I think I will scream. I just don't know if I would put a 7 year old and 10 year through that. Maybe I'm crazy. I did offer them to come back. I didn't know what else to do.

After they left I called Mark and told him that I wanted to go to Mike's meeting. I have been struggling all week having to cook dinner and I have really lost my drive to do this program. I was willing to do anything to see if it would help me make it through the week. I ran a brush through my hair, grabbed my phone, blue-tooth, keys, bottle of green tea and headed out.

When I got there and checked in with the receptionists, I walked in and Mike gave me a hug and welcomed me back from Dallas. OK. I sat down and I'm not one to strike up conversations. Believe it or not I'm shy when I'm in a room of people that I don't know. Mike finally came in and started the meeting and it was about "Habits". It made me realize that right now the only thing that is keeping me going is that program is a habit. I can't not do it. It comes natural! Thank you Lord! I know that I could be doing it better (better food selections) but at least I'm not doing what I would have been doing 6 years ago before I started WW.

After the meeting as I was walking out of the meeting room Mike hollered out at me "See you Saturday, Laura and he pointed his finger at me sternly" I just said o.k. and kept walking. Luckily on my way to the meeting I had told Mark how to get dinner started and when I called him on the way home he was doing what I had asked him to. I helped him some when I got home but I'm so flipping depressed! I told him that they way that I am feeling is driving me insane.

We got all settled in the media room with dinner and decided to watch a re-run of the Biggest Loser that I had DVR'd. Mike called about that time worried about me. OK we go from telling me I'm too sensitive and agreeing that I'm screwed up to being worried about me because I was quiet. Hell I'm always quiet in his Wednesday meetings. I personally think that he could tell by the look on my face or in my eyes that I'm extremely depressed and that telling him that I'm losing the will to do this may have hit home because things between us changed tonight. We talked for a bit and he had to run into a store.

Mark and I finished watching our TV show and I fell asleep in my chair till the wee hours of the morning. He had gone to bed without me. I woke up with my laptop in my lap and my fingers still on the keys. LOL!