Year 3, Day 140

Boy I had problems getting up this morning. It took Mark working on me for nearly 45 minutes! OMG! I just wanted to sleep! I got up and jumped in the shower because I had my therapist appointment this morning and then Mark had coffee waiting for me.

We watched the news and had breakfast and then he went to get ready to go to work and I got his lunch put together and got him ready to head out the door when Mike called to talk a bit. I sense some real tension and I'm not getting it. When I talk to him I feel like turning off my phone so that I don't know when he calls. I need to just be bold and ask him what is going on. Right now I'm not giving a crap!

We really didn't talk about anything other than about the message I left him yesterday along with a text. We talked about 20 minutes and frankly I don't remember much about that conversation but keep asking myself "Why did you call?"

My friend Bobbie called next and we chatted until it was time for me to get ready for me to go and see my therapist. I caught her up on what all the Dr. had to say and we chatted about program and encouraged each other. She had her weigh-in today and she was up but she hadn't been in a couple of weeks as she has been out of town and such. She is ready to get busy. I'm so proud of her.

I left the house and drove across town with dread! I didn't know what to expect. She had said that she was going to do some hypnotherapy and I hate that stuff. Done it before and I hate the way it makes me feel. At least that is what I remember of it. Maybe it was because I let go of some pretty painful things under hypnosis.

I got to her office and got lost in finding her office! LOL! They building has 4 hall ways and I think I walked all four hall ways! When I got there she was with a patient so I had to wait a few minutes. Then she came out and called me back. She asked me where I wanted to start and I told her that I would let her pick. She decided to start at the top of my list which involved my feelings that my parents love my brother more than me. I really do feel this way and it has caused deep sadness all my life. Mark can tell you that he sees a difference on how they treat my brother and how they treat me. We talked about me giving up playing the musical instruments that I know how to play. We talked about how Mark and I met. It was a "eh!" visit. I know that they have to kinda go through things in order to figure out their plan of attack. At the end of the visit she realized that she hadn't scheduled me forward which really ticked me a bit so I'm having to wait another 2 weeks for the next visit but we did get me scheduled weekly through the end of may and then we will re-evaluate. I want this to be over with! I am ready to find happiness and to stop being so sad! I hate where I am at. HATE IT!

It was a long drive home and I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few things that we needed before getting all the way home. Once I got here I hit the popcorn and ate 3 mini bags and that just about triggered a binge. The longer time away from that session and thinking about it the more irked I got. I ended up having a high point lunch and left myself with only 11 points for dinner. I know for some of you 11 points is alot for dinner but for me it just sucks! I like having more like 15. Did I want to excercise to earn some points? Hell No!

I fell asleep after lunch watching TV and when I woke up the boys were starting to make noises for their dinner. Mike then called and we talked about the session and he confirmed what I thought that a therapist has to find what the problem really is and then will go to work at making me realize it on my own. The conversation was better than this morning with Mike but there is still some tension. I think that if he calls tomorrow I am going to ask him what the problem is. If he is wanting to pull away just freakin tell me and let me move on.

I ended up boiling some potatoes for dinner along with one of the Green Giant Veggies for one (corn and peas) and then I took some corn flake crumbs and seasoned them with garlic, salt, pepper, paprika and cayenne, dipped some chicken breasts in egg beaters and then put them through the crumbs and baked them on a rack sprayed with Pam. We ate as we watched LOST which was good. We then watched the Biggest Loser and then called it a day.

I did go over my daily target points by 5. Oh well! Do I give a crap? Not right now. I'm just so frustrated with it all! Tomorrow will be a better day. I'll work out and let my 4 AP's go. That will help. Maybe...just maybe I'll get a loss this week. I hope so because right now I'm up about 3 lbs. What in the hell is going on???????