Year 3, Day 139

Mark let me sleep in till 6 this morning. I really wish that he hadn't. I had a Dr.'s appointment and I really needed to shower before him this morning. I was rushed to get him out the door and then to get myself showered and out the door for my 10:00 Dr.'s appointment.

I really do like Dr. Youngblood. He really cares and he listens and understands. My blood work from last week showed that my kidney's are handling the lasixs and I talked to him about if there were any tests that could be run on my metabolism and he said nothing other than the TSH (thyroid) He looked at my last 2 thyroid tests and he knows that we just went up on it a bit. He wants to test it in about a month and see if maybe if he can't push it a little higher. He told me that diuretics and pushing the thyroid to the hilt isn't the way to lose weight and I told him that I couldn't agree more. I showed him that I had the Body Bugg and while he said that he didn't know much about it, once I explained to him how it worked, he was pretty impressed. He told me all about calories in versus calories out and I understand all of that and I couldn't agree more. Mike just doesn't want me to excercise more than 3 times a week unless I can find something else to do. I told Dr. Youngblood that I was thinking about hiring a personal trainer and he told me that he didn't think that would be a bad idea. We talked about what I read in Julie Hadden's book about the machine that showed her muscle/fat/bone and how in the beginning she had no music and it was hard for her to lose the weight. I'm beginning to think that could be my problem as well. I should be able to get myself off the floor and get down on the floor with ease but I can't. What is with that?

I also told him about me starting therapy and he thought that was good too. I told him that I was so sad and while I wouldn't try killing myself that I wanted so much at times not to wake up. He immediately said "Let's up the Zoloft to 200" and wrote me a prescription. He also wrote a prescription for the lasixs. He doesn't need to see me after my next blood work. He said that he can communicate with me after he gets the results with a phone call. He told me not to ever stop trying that I'm doing well and reminded me that from my highest weight I've lost 175 lbs. He told me that this was going to take time.

When I got out I called Mike but he didn't take my call. I'm not sure what is going on with him but frankly I'm getting where I don't give a shit. I texted him a couple of times and he finally texted me that he was swamped and that we would talk later. Whatever! I'm getting the feeling that now I've agreed to see Anna he is backing off and I'm o.k. with that but tell me that is what you want to do and don't make me feel like he is making me feel. We've gong from talking at least every day or several times a day to I haven't talked to him since Friday. WTH?

I stopped and put gas in my car and picked up a few things from the grocery store and headed home and made me some lunch when I got home and ate. I soon fell asleep in my chair and I woke up around 4:00! OMG! I then thawed some chicken for dinner so that I could marinate it and then I started preparing veggies for the grill. I also boiled some red potatoes. Dinner was delicious. Mark cleaned up the kitchen for me and washed a load of clothes. I watched Ruby that I fell asleep during last night and then we watched Jamie's Food Revolution from Friday. I hate to see this show end. I think that people/sponsors should get on board with what he is doing and they ought to show him going all over this country turning us around. I can't imagine living long than our kids! SAD! SAD! SAD! I almost can't stand it! What are we doing?????

Well, it is late and I'm tired. I have to get up early and hit the shower to get my hair done before I get Mark off to work and then finish dressing and get out of here by 9:00 to go and see Anna. May she start this new journey. I'm ready to be o.k. I'm so ready not to be sad anymore. I'm so ready to see this freakin scale move. READY hear me?????!!!!!!!