Got up this morning and got Mark out the door and then I got some breakfast, jumped in the shower, got dressed and left for my trip up to the Woodlands to do my weekly weigh-in. I did not want to go. The scale at home showed that I was up and I was fit to be tied.
Here I go out and I buy the Body Bugg and I log in both my WW journal the points and in Body Bugg the calories and such to make sure that I have a 750 calorie deficit so that I will have a 1 1/2 lb weight loss! What in the hell is gong on? OMG! I just wanted to cry!
I drove up there in traffic and drizzly rain. It wasn't fun since I left at the end of the rush hour time but I made it. I walked in the meeting and got in line and Mike came in behind me and I handed him some CD's that I had burned for him. He thanked me and said to me "I thought you weren't coming early" I told him that I wanted to get it over with cause I was up. I then teared up and told him that I was losing my will to keep going. He put his arm around me and hugged me and told me to go home and look at my before picture and that would make me feel different about it all. I just kinda shrugged and he hugged me again and told me that it would be o.k. I then almost lost it and asked him if he would just let me go home and he said to me "No you need to stay!" I stayed in line but I was teary and I just didn't want to weigh in.
Well here is what happened...
Up 1.3 lbs!!!! What the hell???? Body Bugg said that I maintained my 750 calorie deficit so why didn't I lose 1.5 lbs like it said that I would? I'm so pissed!
I went in and sat in the meeting. I didn't want to be there. Mike asked me a few questions during the meeting which just further ticked me cause I didn't want to talk. As soon as he dismissed the meeting I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came out low and behold my therapist was there. She said hello to me and asked me how I was and I told her o.k. and what I really wanted to say was "I'm screwed up. I hate where I'm at. I'm losing my will. Mike won't save me so will you?!!!!" Mike mentioned that I was going to Dallas and Anna said "Oh how fun!" and I said "No so much, but a "have to" trip" I told both of them to pray that I control ed my eating and they both told me that I would be fine. Then Mike said to me "I'll call you later and then told Anna "I need to give her a pep talk" I thought "Yea right Mike!" I told them "bye" and headed for my truck. I was sobbing before I got there.
I got in and got my iPod hooked-up and I started the drive home bawling! I finally cut off the iPod and called my friend Bobbie and she talked to me and let me cry and gave me a understanding shoulder to cry on and told me how much she needed me to be strong yet she understood my frustration and that we needed to support each other. She kept telling me I couldn't quit even though I told her I couldn't go on.
Once I got home I got into the food and I blew it! After all my strength with my last ordeal with Mark I lost it. I probably went over my daily target by 16 and that isn't terrible but the fact is I chose to blow it and I did it and I feel weak and like a failure.
I ALSO DON'T WANT TO GO DO DALLAS!!!! NO LIKE THIS!!!! NOT IN THIS MOOD!!!! NOT UNDER THIS STRESS!!!!! I WANT TO STAY HOME!!!! DAMN IT!!!!!
Mike called this afternoon and assured me that he was going to figure this out and told me to hang in there. He wants me NOT to eat out after Sunday. Monday-Friday he wants everything prepared at home PERIOD! I told him that I could do that.
I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping so that I would stop eating! I had so much do but it just didn't get done. So...here it is late and I have more to do before I will be ready to go! I still don't want to go and Mark told me that I could stay home. But after buying new clothes, paying for a hotel, getting hair, feet and face done I best go.
Mark brought home dinner and a still dozed. I'm just about ready to go. I have a few things to do like pack up this computer and packing in the morning.
I guess I better shut this off and get to bed! Pray for me this weekend!
Till tomorrow night!
Friday, April 23, 2010
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You can do this, I KNOW YOU CAN! I agree with Mike about not eating out. I'd go even further and challenge you to only one meal out a week. Fresh food, none of it processed, could make the big difference.
ReplyDeleteHow cool that your therapist was there! Just to see you? You are so surrounded with people at WW and Cookies and friends and family who love you so much.
Remeber that journal I gave you? Use it to write down you gratitudes. Every day = 10 gratitudes. I don't care how small or insignificant you think it is, if you are grateful for it, write it down. {{{{BIG HUGS}}}